ONCE UPON A DREAM; For my Scots Boys

Dear Boys, 

Whichever way you voted yesterday know that I am proud of you all.  I'm sorry Scotland has been torn in half by the Referendum but I'm sure it will pull together again soon enough.  Stay indoors this weekend and don't get caught up in any drunken scrapping!  Tensions and emotions will be running high. I expect my boys to remain calm and centered.  I'll be back to see you next month. Look out for me then.  Meantime, here is a pic of me at Bannockburn to make you smile;

with love to you all, my little pride of lions

Maz 

xoxo

BOOK NOOK; Gravitas by Caroline Goyder

www.gravitasmethod.com

Caroline Goyder is fast becoming one of my favourite self-help authors.  I fell in love with her first book The Star Qualities some time ago and reviewed it here  on my blog.  Her new book is called Gravitas and it has been on my to-read list for a while. As I am back in night classes once more studying a psychotherapy course, now seemed like a good time to read it.  It was just what I needed!

Caroline has a very gentle authorial voice; she isn't pushy with her readers, commanding them to 'just do it'. Instead she comes across like a big sister, sharing her knowledge and pointing out the pitfalls to watch out for.  She is a kindly mentor. As public speaking is one of my fears and presentations are a compulsory element of the course I'm on, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, but on reading Gravitas, I now have a vital box of tools to help me through the trauma of it all.

Gravitas sounds like a big word, a big deal. It sounds quite intimidating and I probably wouldn't have bought this book if I wasn't already familiar with the author's previous work.  I have found The Star Qualities to be so useful over the years and I'm sure Gravitas will become my anchor in a sea of uncertainty.

We communicate everyday, on so many different levels, yet rarely are we taught how to do it effectively.If you have ever struggled to be heard in a meeting, or missed out on a promotion due to shyness, or you just need to speak with more authority over the phone then Gravitas is what you need.

I especially enjoyed the section where Caroline talks about 'the gremlins' - those people who try to undermine your confidence, sabotage you at work, nit-pick at everything or just drain you to the point of exhaustion with their garrulous conversation.  Gremlins are the people who feed your anxieties and make your head spin so that you cannot think clearly and they can then hold the floor and work to their own agenda.  Not only does this book teach you how to spot the gremlins in your life, it also tells you how to deal with them and neutralize their negative impact. I found this part of the book very reassuring - it's not just me being mean - these kind of people do exist and I have, in the past, invited them into my life.  Thankfully I now know what to watch out for.

I have enjoyed reading Gravitas and I am eager to see what Ms Goyder comes up with for her next book.
Check out the link above to find out more about Caroline's work.  You can also follow us both on Twitter;

@carolinegoyder
@marie_bruce

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Autumn in the Highlands

Watch out for me boys...I'm coming back!

It seems as if the brief summer is now over as there is a chill in the air and the distinct feel of autumn approaching.   The nights are drawing in earlier and it's now dark for 9 pm.  It is the time of year to think about making the house cosy with rugs, throws and faux furs to snuggle into;  to turn towards comforting dishes of lasagna and Shepard's pie, baked potatoes, and apple and blackberry crumble, drenched in custard.  I've taken to lighting candles in the evenings again and I've put away my summer oils, replacing them with autumnal fragrances for my oil burner instead.

As the seasons start to shift my thoughts are turning back to Scotland.  Last year I went to Oban, a place I'd never visited before. I had a great time, made friends with a lone piper, and walked by the sea everyday.

This year I will be returning to my old haunt of Strathpeffer.  I've taken the advice of the hotel manager there and decided to go a little later in the autumn than I usually do, so I can enjoy the golden colours of the Highlands. It will be the height of the rutting season, so I'm hoping to see some wild stags - I usually do see stags in Strathpeffer, but the rut might mean that they are too busy scrapping in the glen to come and see me, so I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed. I'm looking forward to being in Scotland again...my soul sings when I am in the Highlands and I feel the magic of the place reaching out to me with every step...

It won't be long now...just a few weeks to wait.

In the meantime I plan to enjoy the return of the darker nights with spicy scented candles, cable knit slipper socks, chai tea latte, dark chocolate covered ginger biscuits and a pile of  Country Living and Country Homes autumnal back issue magazines, to get me into the spirit of the new season.  It's time to still the soul with a bit of self-nurturing and the fine art of staying in. 

ONCE UPON A DREAM; For every tear...

So very true.

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Love Letters

Seal it with a kiss and let the postman be your messenger of love

"We write letters because they last, even when the love that inspired them has gone..."

Quotation from How to Write Love Letters by Michelle Lovric

In a technological age it would seem that we have lost the art of writing love letters.  These days we rush off an email, a text or post a message to someone on Facebook or Twitter, but the romantic gesture of actually writing and posting a love letter is all but forgotten.

For me love letters are the best possible approach from a new suitor; less fattening than chocolates, more lasting than flowers, the humble billet doux will always get my attention.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer and so a written message captures my interest.  If it's written down, I simply have to read it. I cannot ignore it, like I can dismiss a pick-up approach in public.

There is something rather special about a letter, or even a cheeky Hallmark card that says just the right thing, coming unexpectedly through the letterbox.  It is a small act of genuine regard that has the power to make someone's day.  It can make the difference between a romance blossoming or falling flat before it's even got off the ground.  It can pave the way for a new love to be made welcome in a woman's life.

There is much to be said for this type of 'softly-softly'  approach.  A love letter isn't a demand for a woman's time and attention; it isn't an unexpected and inconvenient knock on the door when she's in the bath.  It is a gentle whisper that says 'When you have a moment, read this'  A love letter is a non-threatening approach, so perfect for the gun-shy girl, wounded by love in the past.  It is an invitation to consider the possibility of something more.  It is a private moment when she can experience a man's regard for her, without being expected to give anything in return.  There is a purity to the love letter - the gentle caress of the wordsmith leading a woman to make a reply; it gives her permission to speak the truth of her heart without fear of embarrassment because distance creates a protective shield. 

The billet doux can quite respectfully be taken to bed long before the suitor; it can be read, over and over, while the moonlight filters into the bedroom and the candles flicker.  The kisses written in a love letter are just as treasured as the real thing, and they last forever.  If lovers are forced to spend time apart, a love letter can be the best way to ensure he is the last one to wish her goodnight and sweet dreams, as she peruses his  words before she goes to sleep at night.  It can be the bridge that brings them together in the end and the hope for a brighter future together.

"Mine own sweetheart, these shall be to advertise to you of the great aloneness that I find here since your departing"

Henry VIII to Anne Boleyn

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Beware the Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Beware the wolf in sheep's clothing...don't stray from the path...be careful who you trust...never let your guard down etc etc.  Little girls are taught from a young age to be careful of the people they trust for they may not be all that they seem.  Little Red Riding Hood is a parable designed to teach this early on, yet as we grow up, it's often the 'wolves' that get our attention first.

I have a tendency to see the best in people and while this sounds like a great virtue, over the years I have come to realize that it is actually my biggest flaw.  It means that I sometimes trust the wrong people, those who would manipulate others to serve their own agenda.  It means that I have been deceived in the past and I have failed to recognize when I am under the influence of what psychologists call truth bias and traumatic bonding. 

Put simply truth bias is when the facts are staring you in the face but you just don't allow yourself to believe it, so you believe the word of a liar instead, because you love the person who is being dishonest.  In that moment it is easier to accept a lie than it is to deal with the reality of the truth.  Truth bias is a twisted form of self-preservation...believe the lie and kiss and make up; believe the lie and go on as before; believe the lie and avoid change. Because change seems more painful than deception.

Traumatic bonding is when you find yourself in a relationship that is not really of your choosing, but which just seems to develop during a stressful time in your life.  If you are dealing with illness or bereavement, it can be difficult to see when you are being manipulated and drawn into a relationship against your better judgment.   There are some people who would take advantage of any situation, even funerals and serious illnesses, in order to compromise you and take advantage.  They are wolves in sheep's clothing - they look like good guys, they act like good guys - they might even be in a profession which garners automatic trust such as doctors or the police - yet they are acting from their own selfish agenda and you have inadvertently become their latest little tidbit.  

Traumatic bonding and truth bias frequently go hand in hand, meaning that you become blind to the situation you are in, partly because no-one likes to admit that they can have been so easily manipulated, taken advantage of and fooled in every way.  So you just carry on as you were.   Eventually though, you become so broken by disappointment and let down that you stop caring about anything at all...and this is the turning point.

At this stage, an influence far older, wiser and deeper than either truth bias or traumatic bonding steps in and takes over - in short, your survival instinct kicks in, rips the blinkers from your eyes and gives you the strength you need to move on.   You can acknowledge, to yourself at least, that yes, someone DID try to take advantage of you; that yes, they DID offer silver-tongued empty promises to be there for you, to catch you when you fell, to care for you...and then promptly left you to drop and fend for yourself because you failed to meet their demands and you ceased to be convenient to them.  Someone DID try to reel you in at a traumatic time, not because they had any genuine care or compassion for you, but because they viewed you as an easy target.  When you begin to see the truth, then you can deal with it.

Just because someone claims to have your best interests at heart, does not mean that they do.  Ask yourself "Is this a treat or a threat?"  "Is this a show of support or a strategic seduction?" "Is this a friend, or a fiend?"   At the end of the day, you will be stronger for surviving the disappointment and you will have learnt to look beyond that which is being presented to you, to see the deeper truth lurking beneath.

And while you will always be wary, the wolves in sheep's clothing should also beware...for they'll never know when or if the loose cannon they left behind might go off with an almighty bang.

WRITER'S DREAM; Be Self-Supporting

" I'm writing a book and I don't know if it's any good or not...would you read it and tell me what you think?"

If only I was given a pound every time I was asked this question!  What the aspiring author is actually requesting is a professional critique.  My refusal is always polite but firm.  From a purely business point of view, why would I spend several hours reading and critiquing someone else's work, for free, when I could spend that time writing my own work for my current publishers and get paid for it?   It just wouldn't be a productive or lucrative use of my time.  The only exceptions would be if I knew the aspiring writer as a personal friend - then I would be very interested and excited to read their work because I would want to see how their personality carries across the page.

There are plenty of agents, publishers and editors who offer a professional critique service for budding writers.  While there is usually a fee to cover their time and expertise, following through on their feedback can be the difference between rejection and publication of your MS.  They know their job and what is likely to place in the market.  Such services can be found in literary press and The Writer's and Artists Yearbook.

It can be difficult for new writers to get any  really useful feedback in the beginning.  Writer's circles and such like frequently advise their members to let as many people as possible read early drafts - this is so that you can craft as you go.  The problem is that so many people are unlikely to agree on how the work can be polished.  It could well be a classic case of too many cooks spoiling the broth.  Family and friends are likely to be either too gushing in praise of what a wonderful writer you are, or they might be utterly dismissive of your work and ambitions.  Either way, it's not that useful to you, the writer.

My personal feeling is that you should be wary of who you share your work with, particularly in its early stages. I know from personal experience that not everyone with whom I shared my work and ideas had my best interests at heart, though I felt at the time that they were being very supportive and they encouraged that belief.  The wrong attitude from a 'reader' can seriously damage your creative confidence and could be enough to shoot the project down in flames completely.  Sharing your work with the wrong person could prove to be disastrous.  

I once was foolish enough to let someone read the first few pages of a novel I'd started, only to have him spend the next 4 hours slating it.  Four hours!! I know - why the hell didn't I just get up and leave, taking my MS with me? Why did I allow myself to sit through this kind of verbal abuse?  In hindsight I should have known better than to show him the draft in the first place.  This is a man who's greatest and only talent is finding fault with everything and everyone unfortunate enough to cross his path. In fact, he prides himself on his nit-picking abilities and his 'suggestions' which he expects to be carried out as military commands.  But because I mistakenly believed him to be a friend, I let him read my work when he asked to see it.  It was a big mistake.  I didn't pick up that manuscript again for years and have only recently returned to it, having ended all association with the nit-picker several years ago.  I can see now what his problem was - the draft isn't half bad! In fact, it's quite good and the potential is clearly there.  It must have made for very difficult reading for such a negative, ambition-less individual. 

Beware those readers too, who secretly share your ambitions.  Their intentions may not be a pure as you presume. I've blogged before about my piggy-backing 'friend' and it is important to reiterate that someone you trust could well be trying to stealthily set themselves up as your direct competition, in an underhand manner.  This is not too detrimental if your career is already established as mine was when it happened, but if you are just starting out, be careful of who you discuss your ideas and prospective markets with, as they might start making some surreptitious submissions of their own! There are limits to friendship - career sabotage is one of them and definitely a deal breaker. 

The bottom line is that any creative writing venture requires nurturing.  A project needs time, space and love if it is to grow.  You wouldn't leave your child or your pet with just anyone, so don't do it with your writing.  

I firmly believe that an attitude of self-support and privacy is the best way to go.  If you keep your work to yourself, no-one can slate it in spitefulness or steal it in jealousy.  You need to nurture the project and yourself the writer.  Go back to a state of childlike innocence and play 'let's pretend to be an author for the next hour'.  Take the pressure off by putting the fun into your work. Make your writing your personal, private escape.  It is just yours.  It isn't for sharing just yet, and when you are ready to share it, choose only those people who are affiliated in some way with the publishing industry.  They may not sugar-coat it, but they have no reason to sabotage you either. 

BB Marie x