WISE WOMAN; Prom Queen Syndrome

 

I didn’t have a prom when I left secondary school in 1990.  It wasn’t really a thing back then, but in recent years this American tradition has leap-frogged into the British school system and lots of teenagers now anticipate their prom with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation.  Because with the Prom, comes the Prom Queen; or at least, a magnification of the comparisons and envy that are a part of life and not just confined to our teenage years.

            I am reminded of a line in the film Ice Princess when Joan Cusack hits the nail on the head saying; “I guess no matter how old we get, some of us will always hate the Prom Queen”.   And it’s true isn’t it?  Because for every Mean Girl who grows out of such spitefulness, there is always the odd one who grows into it; that one woman who sees all other women as a blanket threat she has to tear down.  To such an individual as this, we are all the Prom Queens she loves to hate!

            So how do you navigate interactions with this kind of envious woman and how do you support your daughters and granddaughters as they face similar challenges in their own lives?  Well, first it helps to know where envy comes from.  We are led to believe that envy is an emotion, but while it is felt at an emotional level, it has its root in the psychological workings of the mind.  Psychotherapists often talk about the Locus of Evaluation and how it can be Internal or External.  Basically, this is a posh term for one’s world-view; bear with me a moment as I explain.

People who have an Internal Locus of Evaluation focus on their own lives, goals and ambitions.  They form their own opinions and they are not governed by what others think about them.  They are true to themselves and tend to be well-adjusted and productive individuals.  They also tend to begin their sentences with “I think/I feel…”

            On the other hand, people who have an External Locus of Evaluation focus on what everybody else is doing.  They begin their sentences with “She thinks/They think…”  as in “She thinks she’s all that!” – another Americanism, but one which is a classic sign of an External world-view. They constantly compare themselves unfavourably to their peers and have trouble making their own judgements.  This means that they watch other people’s lives from the side-lines, not to be a cheerleader, but with an unhealthy degree of competitiveness and a tendency to find fault in the ‘competition’.  So if they see a woman who is doing well, they are likely to be resentful of her success and the seeds of envy have been planted.  Acting from a place of envy, they might then attempt to sabotage and tear down their rival.

            But the truth is that this kind of envy really comes from a deeply repressed sense of admiration. The envious woman is in a bit of a bind, because in truth she admires everything about her rival and wants to be just like her – she might even emulate her rival’s style and hobbies etc., to prove to herself that she is just as good.  Yet because she cannot bring herself to openly admire the competition, instead she resentfully tries to pull her rival off the pedestal, in an attempt to try and take her place.

            I call this kind of behaviour Prom Queen Syndrome, which isn’t an official diagnostic term, rather it’s a phrase I use with my clients to help them understand what’s going on. Because sadly, it is often close friends and even sisters, who demonstrate this kind of behaviour, seeing their targets as the Prom Queen they want to tear down.  It can be difficult to cope with and damaging to relationships.

            In a strange way, Prom Queen Syndrome is a kind of compliment – a twisted compliment admittedly, but still a compliment - so try to take it as one and let the envious woman know that you take her sniping jibes that way.  The last thing she will want to do is offer you compliments, so telling her that’s how you will take her spite, might well be enough to silence her and nip it in the bud! 

Also try to get her to focus more on herself, pointing out the things she can do that you can’t, and nurturing in her a more Internal world-view, as you maintain your own Internal view-point. Because if you spend too much time worrying about any envious woman, then she’s already won.  So live your life, you do you - and to quote Anne Boleyn “Let them grumble”!

Until next month, Serene Blessings

Marie Bruce x

 

 

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Formal vs Self Education

 

My University Crest

As the end of the university semester approaches, my studies are moving away from structured lectures and towards more self-guided learning, although I still have Masterclasses and tutorials to attend.  I completed and submitted my penultimate assignment a week or so ago, and now there is only the largest piece of work left to write - the dissertation.  I know lots of my fellow students dread writing their Masters dissertations, but for me it's more like my day job of being a writer, so I'm not too phased by it.  I'm actually looking forward to being free to throw myself into it.

I have enjoyed being a part of the university life for the last two years, although this final year has been somewhat disrupted due to the Covid pandemic.  Still, it has been lovely to meet a group of people who are all on the same level and with similar ambitions and interests.  I have found the work to be enjoyable and my tutor tells me I am on track to pass with at least a high merit, so I don't have anything to worry about in that regard.  

I'm glad I had the university experience, though I must confess that I am also delighted that I can finally read whatever I want, rather than the set reading list and core texts!  I can't wait to immerse myself in a new series of fantasy novels, something I can escape into, instead of the dry-as-sticks university reading I've been having to do for the last two years.

I have now been studying, in formal education, for eight years, so I'm ready for a little rest!  And I have to say that the Masters degree has been much more enjoyable than the counselling diploma ever was.  Yes, academia will always be a pretentious world, but if you can take it for what it is, without being drawn into that pretentiousness, it can be a very fun experience.  Just don't fall into the trap of taking yourself too seriously.

Having said all of that,  I am greatly looking forward to the self-directed learning of the dissertation.  It's going to be wonderful to just tuck myself away in my cosy, dark academia study and work on my final project, as sometimes it has felt like the classes are more of an interruption than a vital part of the course.  Maybe that is because I have always self-educated anyway. Working and learning from home is what I prefer.

However, nothing beats walking through a university and knowing that you belong, that you have earned the right to be there.  I don't feel sad that my time on the Masters is drawing to a close because the university maintain close ties with their Alumni, so even when I've graduated with my Masters degree this autumn, I'll still be going back into university for readings, Masterclasses and seminars every so often.  If something interests me, I'll go, and I can still use the library whenever I choose.  I suppose that is the advantage of living in your university town - it's always going to be right on my doorstep, so that world of academia will always be a part of my life now.  And I am already thinking about what I want to do next and making plans for the next stage!

I would say that you need to be of a scholarly frame of mind if you want to complete any course of formal education, because quite a bit of the work is done outside of class, so you need to be able to self-educate to complete those tasks and assignments.  And for certain professions a formal higher education is essential.  But for those people who just want to learn more about a subject, as a hobby, self-education is the easiest and the cheapest option.  While you won't get the kudos of a formal, recognized qualification or a graduation, you also won't have to read anything that bores you either. Nor will you be held to a strict timetable - you can learn entirely at your own pace. 

For status chasers, university will give you just that, because it's true that people do treat you differently once they know that you are completing or hold a Masters degree or above. It does alter how others perceive you, and in turn, how they behave towards you.  A university  education commands respect in a way that self-education does not, so it has that as an advantage, but the truth is, I don't feel any different now than I did several years ago before I returned to education in 2013.  It's just that people regard me as being 'very clever' now, whereas before, I'd just been 'very lucky' to get published! But I'm no different really, I just have more letters after my name. 

So my summer will be taken up in writing my dissertation, which is due in early September. I am also planning to continue self-educating at the same time, on the topic of Criminal Psychology, which is a subject we touched on during the Masters this year and I found it quite fascinating, so I want to learn more about it.   

In addition, having successfully published my psychotherapy column for the past three years with a magazine, I will now be re-posting the columns here on my blog each month, under the Wise Woman tag, so look out for those.  

Aside from all that, I will of course be making fresh plans and new goals to work towards, because I'm a Bruce and that's just what we do - we press ahead.  Plus, I have to start psyching myself up for another graduation ceremony later this year, pandemic permitting. I need Rescue Remedy just thinking about it!  Onwards and upwards!

BB Marie x 

WISE WOMAN; Parasitic Lifestylers

 

Have you ever found yourself being used by someone who is only interested in what they can get from you? It could be an ex-boyfriend who used you for sex and who still tries to create a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario; or perhaps a work colleague who pumps you for your ideas, just so that they can pass them off as their own during meetings. It could be a partner who expects you to work hard to provide for them, regularly draining your bank account with their needs. It could even be a friend who wants access to your professional contacts, just so that they can leap-frog over you in your career. In situations like these you may have inadvertently become the target of a social parasite.


Some years ago I knew a woman who led a very parasitic lifestyle. She was fit and healthy, yet she refused to go out to work and claimed benefits instead. To top up her benefits, she would regularly ask people for money or groceries. She would target one friend at a time, tapping them regularly until they got fed-up of the scrounging and sent her away empty-handed. Then she would move onto someone else instead. She was always the first one to welcome new friends into the circle, ingratiated herself with small gifts, then set about her feeding frenzy. She usually had a sob story to tell and would suck people dry by playing on their emotions until they opened their purse. She could gather a week’s groceries, just by phoning a friend or knocking on doors!

Now, I am all for helping those in genuine need, but you have to know when a person is taking advantage of you, and when to draw the line. Why should you waste your time, money and resources helping those who will not help themselves? It only prolongs the problem, for while ever they get their needs met by others, they have no incentive to start meeting their needs for themselves, so it fosters learned helplessness and becomes a cyclical behaviour pattern. Sometimes tough love is the best response. Just say no. Repeatedly. Until they understand that you’ve shut up shop and you’re not a cash machine!

It is important to recognize a social parasite early on, before they have drained you to the point of resentment – or bankruptcy! Most people have heard of energy vampires. Social parasites work in exactly the same way, only they drain material resources instead – food, money, goods, services and so on. Some are so skilled it’s hard to say no, like the friend who never has enough money to cover their share of a meal or a taxi. Others have been doing it for so long that they think it is a normal way to live. It isn’t. It’s intrusive, unfair and immoral.

With the economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic just becoming evident, parasitic life-stylers are likely to go into overdrive, so it pays to have a ready response should one come knocking on your door in the near future. As I said, tough love is the best response and saying no repeatedly should eventually have the desired effect and send them away.

Like all parasites, they need a host to feed upon, so if it becomes clear that you are not prepared to meet their needs, they will move on to someone else instead. Offer more practical assistance, such as suggesting they apply for jobs or additional benefits, contact a social worker, or give them phone numbers they can call for a referral to a food bank or reputable debt charity. If they keep asking for money, tell them you don’t keep cash in the house as you only use a debit card for your own expenses. Refuse invitations to go out with someone who has a habit of not buying their round of drinks, or those who eat and run before the bill comes in. Be firm with them and with yourself.

Of course, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give a cup of sugar to a neighbour in a pinch, only that you shouldn’t supply a full list of groceries to the same person, for months on end, with no signs of them trying to provide for themselves, thus encouraging their dependency. Use your own judgment and common sense to separate those in genuine need, from those who choose a parasitic life. Your refusal might be just the shock they need to get a job and get their life back on track. Independence and autonomy should always be encouraged wherever possible.

Serene Blessings,

Marie Bruce x