As winter begins to draw to a close and we look ahead to the brighter days of spring, it is time to think about coming out of hibernation. However, for me, that does not mean a return to the busyness of before. Something has changed in me this past winter. It is as if allowing myself the time and space to slow down has given me the chance to embrace my softer self. While I will always love my active hobbies - riding, skating, dancing etc., - I have a tendency to take on too much. A couple of years ago I was writing at least half a dozen projects a year, studying at Oxford, writing assignments, riding horses, going to music school for piano classes, attending the theatre, ballet, concerts etc. You name it, I was doing it and whilst it was a lot of fun and very productive, it was also exhausting.
Over the winter period however I have slowed myself right down. I booked a little time off with my publisher, realising that just because I'm self-employed doesn't mean that I'm not entitled to some annual leave. I am, so long as I give my publisher plenty of notice so that we can come up with realistic deadlines for future projects. I had Christmas and New Year off, which was lovely, but I was very careful not to overbook myself for too many festive events. As lovely as they are, they can also be quite exhausting to me because of the Chronic Fatigue.
So I slowed down. I finished up my final projects for 2025, redecorated my bedroom, got new synopsis in to my publisher for 2026 projects and then I just Flopped quite considerably. I have been in the Flop stage before. It's a natural result of being in Functional Freeze for so many years, but this time instead of fighting it, I just allowed it to happen. It was the best thing I could have done for myself, because I needed rest in order to process the difficult events of the last two years. I had to remind myself that I was not being lazy, that I had been retraumatized. I was feeling acutely triggered on a daily basis, even by people I love very deeply, and so I needed space to work through all the emotions that recent trauma had brought up.
In the space where busyness used to be, I felt a kind of healing begin to take shape. It's slow and steady and I'm not where I want to be just yet, but giving myself time and space, solitude and silence has really kick-started that process. I realised that the world was far too noisy for me. It was much too harsh, people were far too harsh, too demanding. So I retreated into my shell, into a world of my own making - my little house, where I could enjoy the peace and quiet, silence and solitude that I needed.
I stopped doing anything that left me feeling drained or anxious. Instead, I took up my quieter hobbies and became more of an indoor girl, as Jack says in Titanic. I spent my time stitching tapestry, knitting an army green scarf for one of my soldier friends (its about half-way done, Kermit!), baking chocolate brownies, having Lush baths and simply resting.
I prioritised my reading, enjoying the work of other authors and escaping into new novels. I watched Elven videos on You Tube and became so inspired by them that I decided to add faux cherry blossom vines around my four-poster bed, and deep red-rose vines around my fireplace and the screen in the living room. These simple, floral touches make my heart happy. I wish the flowers were real, but that's just not feasible for long term décor, yet they still add femininity and a touch of that Elven enchantment to my home.
I came to call these simple routines my demure days, where I would focus entirely on bringing more softness into my life and my home, bringing all my senses to a place of tranquillity. I listened to a lot of Enya and to Eleanor Tomlinson's Tales From Home, or Omnia's Naked Harp album. I read poetry and spent time colouring in my art therapy books, enjoying the process of turning a blank outline into something beautiful with a few strokes of a pencil crayon. I felt inspired to buy a few stickers so that I could add tiny flowers and butterflies to the images that I coloured in, placing butterflies in the manes of the unicorns and flowers on the fairy dresses.
I flipped through chic and feminine magazines. I gave some of my treasures a bit of a makeover, painting the dark brown frame of my French Pierrot mirror a pastel pink and adding chiffon butterflies to the frame too. I bought fresh flowers to arrange, digging out my old Pierrot bud vases and putting fresh blooms on my dressing table and by my bed, creating little vignettes of life and loveliness.
I set my piano playing gently to itself in the background, because it can do that, but I had never used that function before and it is actually rather lovely.
I invested in an answer phone and started letting the machine take all my calls, so that my peace was not disturbed at all. I reply to messages and get back to people, of course, but no message means no response from me. It weeds out the time-wasters from the genuine callers. I should have got one years ago!
In short, I enjoyed myself at home, in my own quiet way and it has paid off. I now feel calm and tranquil in my mind. My emotions are no longer being triggered at the drop of a hat - though this could be because I haven't been interacting with men, so there are no triggers around me. Only time will tell if that is the case, but for the most part I feel that my serenity has come back. I'm calm enough to pause before responding again, which is a big improvement on where I was a year or so ago!
My demure days have become an intrinsic part of my routine. They are an aspect of my self-care. Yes I am still studying at Oxford and I currently have an assignment to write, plus new books to start writing for my publisher too, but I'm not putting so much pressure on myself. I can enjoy my studies without feeling the need to be the perfect student. I can enjoy the process of writing my new books because I have a more generous deadline for them - 7 weeks instead of 4, in which to write them. This means that I have breathing space again, and time to enjoy my more demure hobbies and interests, as I surround myself with tranquil music and scented candles or a perfumed bubble bath. One day I will return to my active hobbies, but for the time being, all is soft, sweet and demure, and that's how I like it. It's exactly what I need at this phase of my life.
As women, I think that we have been conditioned into taking on hustle culture and being super productive, in addition to carrying the emotional needs of everyone around us, while neglecting ourselves in the process. It can be very draining. Demure days are a way to switch the focus back to softness, femininity and serenity. Back to yourself. Demure days are a source of better mental health and well-being. They are something that everyone deserves, regardless of gender. We all need more softness in this harsh world. We should all be much kinder to one another and to ourselves.
Demure days are not about neglecting your responsibilities. They are about helping yourself be calm and regulated enough that you can bring peace to those responsibilities. Being good to yourself, taking time out when you need it, asking for space - these are the things that will make you a better friend, girlfriend, sister or daughter. Demure days are good for you and in turn, for the ones you love.
I truly hope that I can maintain this sense of inner tranquillity that I have worked so hard to cultivate in myself these past few months. The real test will be when I come face to face with a man's ego again! Will I react, or will I breathe, pause and respond, with all the serenity of a Swan Queen? Time will tell, but I'm hopeful that it will be the latter.
Serene and Demure Blessings
Marie x
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