"...you must learn not to have those around you drink your energy. I have learnt the hard way. As a child I used to give away light like it was nothing. Those without it would fill themselves up with all that good energy like I was an eternal font. The purest light attracts the most impenetrable darkness."
from Hex by Jenni Fagin
We finally have a bit of sparkly winter weather, with our first proper snowfall of this winter making everything gleam! This is Mother Nature's reminder that the winter season is meant to be a time to bunker down, rest and dream of a brighter tomorrow. Hibernation is the key word at this time of the year, but I must be honest and confess that I have been in hibernation mode since early 2025!
Over the last couple of years I have reassessed my life and I have noticed a pattern. Like lots of empathic and compassionate people, I tend to give away too much of my light. I am very quick to step forward and help someone, to take on the responsibility for their safety and wellbeing. While this isn't a bad thing, and lord knows the world needs more kindness, too much of it can be detrimental to our own health and wellbeing. When it becomes a habit, as it had with me, it can lead to lots of one sided relationships that do not serve you, but only serve to drain you, leaving you exhausted.
Relationships should be reciprocal, meaning that you should get as much from them emotionally as you are giving. If that reciprocation isn't there, then that isn't a relationship - its a master/servant dynamic, one where you serve a purpose in someone's life and they are happy to keep you around for as long as you are prepared to serve, but you get nothing in return. You give, they take - but it never works the other way around. It's not a fair dynamic - and it certainly isn't love! Or even friendship. If anything, it demonstrates a complete absence of love and respect on their part. They have a use for you and that is all.
2024 completely altered my perspective on life. It was a great highlighter year, showing me where all my energy had been going - into the black hole of false attachments and sporadic acquaintance, with absolutely no return on my investment! People would phone me when they felt down, heartbroken or they were having a bad time. Men would flirt with me when they were going through a rough patch with their wives or girlfriends and their ego needed a boost. Their attitude seemed to be "Ring Marie. She'll make you feel better." And I did. I was happy to, but when I was the one who needed a bit of cheering up after the riding accident, I didn't see any of them for dust! They were all far too busy, too far away, too out of touch, deliberately unreachable. In fact, I received more affection and support from my editor and publishing house than I got from those who claimed to love and care for me! At first I made excuses for them, like you do. But slowly, in the midst of their absence and silence, I came to the conclusion that I needed to start withdrawing my energy, to take back all my love and light and keep it to myself.
As 2025 rolled in, I thought things were actually changing and I handed round second chances like a bag of sweets. Suddenly the phone was ringing most days, group chats were a thing I never signed up for but found myself in the middle of anyway, jokes were shared, promises exchanged, plans made (which turned out to be no more than pipedreams and future faking), male admiration quickly turned into resentment and intimidation at my academic achievements, and longed for reconnections at first made my heart soar - and then shatter into a million pieces. There are some heartbreaks you just can't ignore or make excuses for, particularly when you see that such cruelty was a deliberate act, and done with considerable force. My PTSD was being triggered left, right and centre by the endless tiffs their male egos demanded, all so that they could compare notes and turn me into a discussion point of male bonding. I was exhausted and shattered by it all. And I'd had enough.
So early on in 2025 I decided to withdraw my energies, to pull back my love and light and to begin to conserve it as the vital resource it is. I demanded space. I am not a never ending flow of love and support. My well of light was vastly diminished and what was left of it, I needed to use for my own continued healing journey, rather than handing it over to someone else. I was still recovering from the trauma of the hospital and the accident, but as women often do, I had put my own needs to one side in favour of helping others. In short, I had a bad case of compassion fatigue and emotional burnout. I have been in emotional recovery from it ever since.
Compassion fatigue basically means that you have been giving too much to others for far too long. You feel that you have nothing left to give anymore. You have no energy for your own life, because you have spent too much of it enhancing the lives of other people, being on call whenever they want you etc. It's like the steady drip of water from a pipe - if you ignore it it will turn into a flood, so you must find the leak and fix it to prevent further damage. That is what I set about doing for myself and my energy in 2025. I examined my life to see where the drip of energy was leaking out and this is what I discovered:
- A sporadic acquaintance is not the same as a friend, so they don't yet deserve the perks of friendship.
- If someone leaves for a number of years, for work or education, they effectively become strangers, and again, they don't deserve the perks of friendship.
- Never write anything without a contract in place that has been signed by both parties.
- Never sing anything without a contract in place that has been signed by both parties.
- The police do a difficult job, but it's not my job to help them with it.
- A charm offensive is very convincing, but the signs are always there, if you look. So look.
- Never ignore the red flags. Highlight them, then leave.
- Social media is designed to sap your life of all meaning and to rot your brain. Don't allow it.
- Just because I am a qualified counsellor doesn't mean that I am obliged to help anyone and everyone who is going through a rough patch.
- Healing hurts. It takes time. Physical healing is faster than mental and emotional healing, but all three need to happen before you are fully healed. Allow this space.
- Accidents, injury and healing changes you and your perspective on life.
- The people who are at your hospital bed are the ones you can rely on.
- Yo-yo men are a waste of energy - just cut the string! Be done with it.
- Men who are intimidated by a woman's achievements and academic success have some serious growth to do. Don't let it stop you from succeeding anyway.
- Never feed the male ego by responding to the ridiculous tiffs they instigate. This is simply rage-baiting IRL. I learnt that through experience. You don't have to.
- Understand the difference between a gift and a bribe. A gift is given freely, no expectations, no cover-up, no strings attached. I don't respond to bribery. Even if its called compensation.
- Scam callers aren't just irritating, they drain your energy.
- People pleasing is damaging to your wellbeing.
- My talent is strong and authentic, people will want to purchase it, but I am not for sale. Only the work is up for grabs.
- A meeting of the minds is not the same as a meeting of the hearts. Love matters. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
This kind of life edit is a form of self-care. Once I had identified these leaks of energy, I set about fixing them. Most were simple enough - I just distanced myself mentally and emotionally from the drains, or I blocked them completely.
I focused on my work, writing new books and psychology decks for publication in 2026.
I signed up for a new academic course.
I stopped answering my phone, unless it was my mother.
I did a lot of journaling.
I scrapped my old car and the endless new batteries it was constantly draining.
I stopped my hobbies and just stayed home more.
I slept and rested more. I allowed myself the time to heal that my body and mind needed.
I refused the bribery of compensation payments.
I told the police to do a better job, that I wouldn't do it for them.
I booked a holiday to the Highlands for this year.
I took Christmas and New Year off work for the first time in ten years.
I invested in an answer phone.
Detachment = peace = Victory Ever After.
Most importantly, I began to put myself first. I had always been in the habit of asking people What do you need, what can I do to help? The people pleasing had gone into overdrive, so I turned it around and instead I began to ask What do I need, what can I do to feel better right now? The PTSD screamed back Build the barricades! Pile the books high! I replied with How about we just do a bit of nesting, to make the fortress as comfy and cosy and pretty as possible? How about we read the books and enjoy them, and perhaps re-organise the library next year? So that's exactly what I did and two of the most beneficial things I did for myself in 2025 was to give my bedroom a beautiful pink makeover, and invest in an answering phone. It is quite surprising how much this has calmed and soothed my spirits. My room is a restful retreat once more, but its also light and bright and ethereal. And it shimmers!
The answer phone gives me peace of mind because scammers don't leave messages, they just stop calling! Screening all my calls also means that I am not interrupted when I'm writing, or reading new books for review. And men can't instigate their ego driven, rage-baiting tiffs with a machine! I honestly wish I'd got an answer phone much sooner. I had one years ago and I had forgotten the additional layer of personal protection it offers. It creates a soft barrier between you and the outside world. Those who know me will leave a message, those who don't or who are ringing for nefarious reasons will simply hang up. Either way, my peace is protected. My soft space remains just that - soft, quiet and peaceful. It was the best purchase of 2025!
I spent much of the last twelve months withdrawing my energy in this way, being more selective in who I communicate with and how, thinking about where my energy goes and how this makes me feel in the long term. I've attempted to delete from my life anything that drains me and so far it's going well. This is the first winter in more than a decade that I haven't had to be anywhere - no job to go out to, no external hobbies such as skating or music school, no night classes, no ice to smash on field troughs or horses to exercise in the depths of winter, no books to write over Christmas and New Year weeks. I spent Boxing Day watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy and New Years Day watching The Hobbit trilogy. It was the best fun! Its something I've been wanting to do for years, but never had the time. I was always too busy working, studying, writing. This is the first winter in more than ten years where I can truly hibernate and enjoy the season for what it is meant to be - a time of rest and recuperation. A time to nourish my roots and recover from the past few year's activity and all the harsh lessons learnt.
I haven't interacted with a man or a sporadic acquaintance in months - unless the postman counts! - and suddenly I feel so much calmer and happier than I have in years! It's been bliss. I wish I'd identified all their games much sooner, but better late than never. My world is quiet and feminine, dreamy and ethereal once more. Withdrawing my energy, keeping my love and light to myself, for myself, is certainly working. I feel calm, soft, safe and centred, sure in the knowledge that should the need arise once more, I have the capability to defend and protect myself, but that I need not be in fighting mode all the time. Even a warrior princess needs some time off! Even a Bruce is entitled to rest after the battle is won.
I feel grounded in the best way. I've taken charge of my time and my attention, instead of letting it be syphoned off by people who do not have my best interests at heart, who only have a use for me, a purpose for me to fill in their lives, or a egotistical game to play. Now I spend my days quietly at home, writing my books, reading books for review, watching films and boxsets, taking Lush baths, enjoying my quieter indoor hobbies such as tapestry and art therapy, listening to sassy female musicians like Sabrina Carpenter and Rose who were the sound of my summer last year. Taylor's Life of Showgirl has been playing on repeat since my birthday. And I am the most relaxed I've been in years!
Men are the biggest conundrum to me - brave yet brutal, courageous yet conniving, false and faithless, sweet yet selfish, controlling disguised as protective, apparently supportive yet secretly resentful, afraid to make a move yet angry because we don't just jump naked into their arms! They want the chase, the challenge, but then they berate us for not making it easier for them, for expecting them to actually step up in a real way before we return their interest, for wanting them to show and tell that our devotion is returned, that they are not just a sponge absorbing all our adoration as if they are entitled to it and giving nothing back. Their beauty is only skin deep and their cruelty knows no bounds, but at least they are providing female musicians with a plethora of material to sing about! Personally, they are a puzzle I have decided I really can't be bothered to solve.
From now on I will be putting myself first in all things, in all respects. And I shall certainly continue my peaceful hibernation mode well into 2026. It's working like a charm and I couldn't be happier in my quiet little nest!
How have you been spending your energy? Where has your love and light been going, and is there any return on your investment. If not, this might be the winter you need to withdraw too.
Hibernation mode ON.
Serene Blessings,
Marie x
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