Saturday, 19 May 2012
ONCE UPON A DREAM; Dear Diary
I usually enjoy flicking through my diaries - and there is a pile of them to get through! Its always nice to see the dreams manifest as reality with the passing of months and years...the steady progress of my life plan and the general plodding on to achieve my goals. What I hadn't realized until now though is just how goal orientated my diaries are; often to the detriment of more personal things. I do not like to dwell on sad times but I was quite shocked to find a pattern emerge within the pages of my diaries - a pattern of very short entries whenever I was dealing with quite major life issues such as the death of my grandmother, my mother's battle with and victory over breast cancer, an important trip north of the boarder to Scotland, and more than one special moment, all virtually lost to the page. Instead of pouring my heart out during these emotional times, my diary is full of lists of goals, deadlines, editors' names and project ideas. It made me realize that I have an unconscious habit of throwing myself into my work during times of acute stress. It is almost as if I am trying to pretend the bad stuff really isn't happening by focusing the diary entries on work related topics instead. I am sure that I am not alone in finding solace in my work when life throws a fireball; the surprise is that, at the time, I was completely unaware that I was using my career as an avoidance tactic to numb the pain of grief, worry and loss.
I also noticed that I rarely write down the seemingly insignificant stuff - the compliment, the flirtation, the winning smile from a dishy doctor - those little moments of joyfulness which can turn a mundane day into something quite magical and special. I write about the weather, being a weather geek; I write about the things which have annoyed me that day; I write about my friends, my cat and my day to day activities such as dancing, riding and skating. But perhaps I should have written about the last conversation I had with my grandmother or the strong arm of a very dear friend who was there for me at her funeral, supporting me and surprising me with what can only be described as the silver lining in a sorrowful day. Luckily I have fond memories of these things now and I have been reliving the silver linings during my sickness, but I can't think why on earth I didn't write about it in my diary at the time.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to focus more on the little things and put more balance in my life - its all well and good to have lists of goals and to tick off various achievements along the way and being a work-loving Scorpio control freak, I am sure that I will continue to do this as I have the Bruce need to press ahead. But I will also write down more of the moments which make each day special - the way a handsome stranger turns his head to look at me as I walk by, the romance of a pair of amorous swans on the water, the unexpected meeting with a long forgotten dear friend, a beautiful sunset, the way my cat Pyewackett wakes me for his morning fuss, the things that make me laugh, a pair of handsome blue eyes twinkling at me across the doctor's surgery room, a secret shared in a silent glance...in short, the little things I have been taking for granted and which have been lost in the quest for bigger goals and greater achievements. What is this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare..? I plan to do more staring - and to write down what I see in my diary, recording the moments that make each day magical. From now on I will enjoy the secret anniversaries of the heart, the soul stirring moments of possibility - and I will record them in the pages of my diary so I remember everything that matters.