BOOK NOOK; The Shadow in the Glass by JJA Harwood

 "All the colour and softness would be leached out of her. It had already started. Wasn't she always tired, always sore, always cold?  How long had it been since she'd crept down to the library and let her imagination carry her away?  What if she forgot how to do it - what if one day she she would never be able to escape, not even in her own head?"

Isn't that the dread of all bookworms - that one day the books will fail to offer the escapism that bookworms, who are usually introverts, crave and need to thrive?  It doesn't bear thinking about and it's enough to make one shudder!  

It is just one of the themes explored in this fantastic novel, Shadow in the Glass, which explores the concept of what would happen if Cinderella's fairy-godmother came from a dark place?  What if she granted wishes, not to bring about a happy ever after, but more of a Faustian deal, where one's very soul is bartered and up for grabs?

I have read lots of fairytale re-tellings, but never one like this, where all the benevolence of the popular story is flipped into subversive malevolence.  It tells the story of Eleanor, an orphan who works in service in a large crumbling old house.  There she lives in the poorest of conditions, while surrounded by decaying wealth and nobility.  She works hard and dreams of escaping into a more luxurious life, as she tries to avoid the lecherous master of the house, who is notorious for impregnating staff and then sacking them without a reference.  

It would seem that the odds are stacked against Eleanor and her dreams are all she will ever have, until late one night she creeps into the forbidden library and finds an enchanted book,  which releases a dark specter who offers to grant Eleanor seven wishes.  She can wish for anything she likes, the only stipulation being that she must ask out loud for her wish to be granted. But there's a catch - if she uses the seventh wish, she will lose her soul.

Determined never to make all seven wishes, Eleanor embarks on a magical journey to improve her life and the life of her friends.  Because how much trouble can a little bit of self-improvement and social climbing cause? All she wants is a safe house to live in, a warm bed to sleep in and plenty of hot food and pretty clothes.  It's not too much to ask for. Or is it?

This book explores how far one impoverished young woman will go to better her lot in life and create her own wealth, once she discovers that the wealth must come from somewhere and that there is always a price to pay for it.  It is a dark, atmospheric fairytale with all the staples of Cinderella - a pair of glass slippers, a luxurious ball, a handsome prince and a clock striking midnight - but there the similarities end.  JJA Harwood has succeeded in creating a completely fresh new version, with a satisfyingly Gothic twist to the tale. 

Shadow in the Glass is a wonderful trickster novel, best read in a library at midnight - or at least tucked into bed with a candle burning beside you as you read.  Enjoy and be careful what you wish for!

Marie x

BOOK NOOK; House of Hollow by Krystal Sutherland

 

"Use the gifts you have been given," she said to me. "No one should be able to lay a finger on you.  You can bring them to their knees,  if that's what you want.  You can make them pay."

It has been a rainy day, full of thunder storms and lightning, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity to spend a day reading.  House of Hollow has held me in it's grip all day and I have enjoyed every single page.  It tells the story of three sisters who go missing from an Edinburgh street when they are children, only to be found a month later, with no memory of where they have been or what they have been doing, and with hair that has turned pure white from the shock of the trauma.

Years later, the sisters are all getting on with their own lives, trying to put the past behind them.  The eldest, Grey, has become a super model and fashion designer - her clothes are described in the book in great detail and it made me wish her clothes were real, because they sound simply gorgeous and I would love to wear one of her creations!

Meanwhile, Vivi, the second sister has become a member of a rock band and the youngest, Iris, is finishing school.  All three sisters have been changed by their childhood trauma, becoming extremely beautiful and having the gift of compulsion, which is the ability to makes others do what you want via the power of suggestion.

Bad things happen to people who cross these sisters - unhappy incidents and accidents plague their enemies, accidents that can always be passed off as rotten luck or misfortune.  But is it vengeful magic, or a curse that follows in the sister's footsteps?

The Hollow sisters are certainly different, and there is lots of mystery attached to them, which only increases their glamour.  Are they sirens, witches, Fae?  Whatever their gifts, they always seem to get what they want, but when a stranger begins to stalk them, their three worlds collide in a fight for survival.

This is an eerie novel of secret doors and darker realms; of pretty flowers that smell like death; of glitzy Paris fashion shows and crumbling haunted houses.  There is a rift in the family that Iris is trying hard to understand, Vivi's free-spirit verges on rebellion, while Grey is the beauty and the brains of the trio, the one who always calls the shots.   So when the stalker eventually catches up with Grey, it is left to Iris and Vivi to rescue her.

Part mystery thriller, part dark fairytale The House of Hollow is definitely one of the best books I have read so far this year.  It is an otherworldly book that tempts the reader deep into its heart of darkness, then swallows you whole.  I'm hoping that there might be a sequel. Enjoy! BB Marie x 

 

WISE WOMAN; Narcissistic Abuse

 

A few years ago I had a series of very unpleasant interactions with a woman who took an instant dislike to me because I was a published author, while she kept on having her work rejected.   There was duplicity in everything she did. She would be nasty to my face, but then contact one of my publishers and drop my name as if we were friends, because she thought that would get her book published by association. When that didn’t work, she began to try and discredit me with my editors, which also proved ineffective. 

In discussing this with my editors and fellow therapists, it soon became clear that we were dealing with someone who had a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD to be precise.  In this sense narcissism is far more than simply thinking too much of oneself, or posting too many selfies on Instagram. It is a psychological disorder which means that people who have it are basically incapable of healthy, well-adjusted relationships and they suffer from deeply ingrained jealousy. 

Narcissists have certain traits that mark them out from the rest of us, which will help you to identify when you are in the presence of someone with NPD. These traits include a rather grandiose sense of self, a fantasy of being powerful, an obsession with appearances which leads to fabricated stories of their ‘achievements’ – they might even adopt false titles to make themselves look more successful than they are.  They tend to believe that they are special and superior to everyone else, deserving of special treatment, demanding excessive attention and admiration wherever they go and they will demonstrate excessive amounts of envy.  In addition, they are manipulative and exploitative towards other people, including and sometimes especially, their nearest and dearest.  A narcissistic spouse will expect to be waited on like a royalty and will use the kids as weapons; a narcissistic mother will try to rule your life and that of your family long after you’ve flown the nest; and a narcissistic boss or mother-in-law can make your life hell!

The main issue with dealing with a narcissist is that they lack empathy, so they can never see your side.  They don’t acknowledge when they are wrong and they never apologise, because in their narcissistic world, they are never wrong and it is everybody else who is in the wrong.  This makes negotiation and compromise virtually impossible, because every interaction is a power play to their self-perceived superiority.

They often demonstrate a strong sense of entitlement, expecting that everything they want will just come to them without them having to work for it, and just like the narcissist I was dealing with who tried to use my name to get herself published, narcissists are happy to use other people – even people they don’t like - to further their own ends.  Basically, if they can tear you down and take your place, they will.

Furthermore, narcissists absolutely thrive on drama – it’s like mother’s milk to them; in the therapy room we call this the narcissistic supply, which basically means that they get a high off dramatic altercations and this is why they like to cause trouble – because it feeds them.  Conversely and somewhat annoyingly, narcissists can also be extremely charming, which is how they draw people into their toxic web in the first place and what makes it so difficult to get away from their influence. 

 So what do you do?

Well, the first thing to do is take a deep breath and step back a little bit.  Realise that it isn’t really personal, it’s just who they are. Identifying the person as a narcissist is half the battle, because now you know exactly what you are dealing with.  Then tread carefully. Exposing a narcissist’s lies, or telling them they have a personality disorder, will only induce narcissistic rage, which will set them on the path to vengeance. A narcissist can hold a grudge forever and they will immediately set about discrediting you by any means possible.  Their favourite method of vengeance is the smear campaign – this is when they will use all that charm to try and turn others against you, to damage your reputation both personally and professionally, and to make others question the state of your mental health.

So if you shouldn’t confront them, what should you do?  The best way to end a narcissists interest in you is to cut off their narcissistic supply.  In psychotherapy we call this the grey rock method – that is, being as dull and boring as a grey rock, which cuts off their supply. This means not engaging with them in any altercation – just because they invite you to an argument doesn’t mean that you are obliged to attend.  Tell them simply and politely that you’re sorry they feel that way, but you don’t; that they are entitled to their version of reality, but yours differs; that their emotion (anger, jealousy etc.) is their own responsibility, not yours. 

Because you are refusing to engage in a battle of wills, they don’t get the supply they want and so they will eventually move on to someone else.  Refuse to offer them any personal information too, because to a narcissist, information is ammunition and they will try to use it against you, so keep conversations to safe ‘grey’ topics like the weather. This gives them absolutely nothing to work with, or to work against you. If they accuse you of being boring, or of living a boring life, simply agree with them. If at all possible, cut off all contact with them completely.  Remember that they can use social media to glean information about you too, so be very careful what you post, even if you block them.

It may take some time, but once the narcissist realizes that you are not an easy target or a push-over and that you are not playing the game by their rules, they will find another target and source of narcissistic supply.  Being the target of a narcissist, their vindictive vengeance and abuse, can be an unpleasant experience.  I was lucky in that my psychotherapy training helped me to quickly identify it and deflect it effectively, but if you are struggling, don’t be afraid to seek out counselling to help you to work through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.

Unfortunately, narcissists are unlikely to ever change, but you can at least console yourself with the fact that you are always free to walk away from them and cut them out of your life completely, while they are stuck with themselves forever, so who has the last laugh really?  Until next month,

Serene Blessings

Marie Bruce x

 

 

 

 

BOOK NOOK; The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black

"Hazel remembered everything at once, all the locks come undone, all the memories rising up from the deep, murky place where she'd buried them, all of herself crashing into herself.  Not just the memories that the Alderking had taken from her.  Faerie curses were more powerful than that.  She got back every memory she ever tried to lock away."

As the summer solstice draws ever closer, my reading habits become more whimsical and I tend to read more faerie fantasy in summer, than in the darker months.  Faerie-lore is the only aspect of summer that I actually enjoy, so finding lovely fey novels to dive into is my one consolation for the hotter weather and the dazzling sunny days that drain me.  

The Darkest Part of the Forest is a stand alone novel, full of rich descriptions of an enchanted forest and the horned Faerie Prince who lies in a cursed slumber in a crystal casket in the heart of the woods.  The town that lies on the edge of the forest is home to families who are fully aware that the faerie folk are real.  They leave out bowls of milk in libation and send their kids to school in clothes that are inside-out, to prevent them from being taken by the Fey.

There is an uneasy truce between the Fey-Folk and the townsfolk, but that truce is broken when a child is snatched and a changeling is left in its place.  The human child is returned, but the changeling remains in the human world, despite being immortal.  And this is just the very beginning of the story!

As the novel develops, someone breaks the casket to free the Faerie Prince and unleashes the curse on the whole town.  It is down to Hazel and her brother Ben, to liaise with the changeling and the Fey to prevent the town of Fairfold from being destroyed by the Alderking's wrath.   But each sibling has their own secrets to keep and they both have a crush on the Faerie Prince.

It is a convoluted tale of Fey glamour and faerie revels on full moon nights; of love and loyalty tested; of a greenwoman out for revenge and a changeling trying to find a place in the world; of magical faerie horses and a faerie knight who only comes out during the hours of darkness to complete a quest. 

Like many novels of the Fey, The Darkest Part of the Forest is full of mystery, trickery, deception, enchantment, glamour and music that casts a spell of entrancement.  It's difficult to review without giving away spoilers, because so much happens in this book, but if you enjoyed reading  books like The Treachery of Beautiful Things, Wintersong or In The Night Wood,  then you will probably like this novel too.  It's a fantastic summery read for any faerie lover and one to be read outdoors in the garden, with a picnic. I have a few more books by this author, so I'm looking forward to reading much more of her work this summertime. Enjoy! 

WISE WOMAN; Prom Queen Syndrome

 

I didn’t have a prom when I left secondary school in 1990.  It wasn’t really a thing back then, but in recent years this American tradition has leap-frogged into the British school system and lots of teenagers now anticipate their prom with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation.  Because with the Prom, comes the Prom Queen; or at least, a magnification of the comparisons and envy that are a part of life and not just confined to our teenage years.

            I am reminded of a line in the film Ice Princess when Joan Cusack hits the nail on the head saying; “I guess no matter how old we get, some of us will always hate the Prom Queen”.   And it’s true isn’t it?  Because for every Mean Girl who grows out of such spitefulness, there is always the odd one who grows into it; that one woman who sees all other women as a blanket threat she has to tear down.  To such an individual as this, we are all the Prom Queens she loves to hate!

            So how do you navigate interactions with this kind of envious woman and how do you support your daughters and granddaughters as they face similar challenges in their own lives?  Well, first it helps to know where envy comes from.  We are led to believe that envy is an emotion, but while it is felt at an emotional level, it has its root in the psychological workings of the mind.  Psychotherapists often talk about the Locus of Evaluation and how it can be Internal or External.  Basically, this is a posh term for one’s world-view; bear with me a moment as I explain.

People who have an Internal Locus of Evaluation focus on their own lives, goals and ambitions.  They form their own opinions and they are not governed by what others think about them.  They are true to themselves and tend to be well-adjusted and productive individuals.  They also tend to begin their sentences with “I think/I feel…”

            On the other hand, people who have an External Locus of Evaluation focus on what everybody else is doing.  They begin their sentences with “She thinks/They think…”  as in “She thinks she’s all that!” – another Americanism, but one which is a classic sign of an External world-view. They constantly compare themselves unfavourably to their peers and have trouble making their own judgements.  This means that they watch other people’s lives from the side-lines, not to be a cheerleader, but with an unhealthy degree of competitiveness and a tendency to find fault in the ‘competition’.  So if they see a woman who is doing well, they are likely to be resentful of her success and the seeds of envy have been planted.  Acting from a place of envy, they might then attempt to sabotage and tear down their rival.

            But the truth is that this kind of envy really comes from a deeply repressed sense of admiration. The envious woman is in a bit of a bind, because in truth she admires everything about her rival and wants to be just like her – she might even emulate her rival’s style and hobbies etc., to prove to herself that she is just as good.  Yet because she cannot bring herself to openly admire the competition, instead she resentfully tries to pull her rival off the pedestal, in an attempt to try and take her place.

            I call this kind of behaviour Prom Queen Syndrome, which isn’t an official diagnostic term, rather it’s a phrase I use with my clients to help them understand what’s going on. Because sadly, it is often close friends and even sisters, who demonstrate this kind of behaviour, seeing their targets as the Prom Queen they want to tear down.  It can be difficult to cope with and damaging to relationships.

            In a strange way, Prom Queen Syndrome is a kind of compliment – a twisted compliment admittedly, but still a compliment - so try to take it as one and let the envious woman know that you take her sniping jibes that way.  The last thing she will want to do is offer you compliments, so telling her that’s how you will take her spite, might well be enough to silence her and nip it in the bud! 

Also try to get her to focus more on herself, pointing out the things she can do that you can’t, and nurturing in her a more Internal world-view, as you maintain your own Internal view-point. Because if you spend too much time worrying about any envious woman, then she’s already won.  So live your life, you do you - and to quote Anne Boleyn “Let them grumble”!

Until next month, Serene Blessings

Marie Bruce x

 

 

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Formal vs Self Education

 

My University Crest

As the end of the university semester approaches, my studies are moving away from structured lectures and towards more self-guided learning, although I still have Masterclasses and tutorials to attend.  I completed and submitted my penultimate assignment a week or so ago, and now there is only the largest piece of work left to write - the dissertation.  I know lots of my fellow students dread writing their Masters dissertations, but for me it's more like my day job of being a writer, so I'm not too phased by it.  I'm actually looking forward to being free to throw myself into it.

I have enjoyed being a part of the university life for the last two years, although this final year has been somewhat disrupted due to the Covid pandemic.  Still, it has been lovely to meet a group of people who are all on the same level and with similar ambitions and interests.  I have found the work to be enjoyable and my tutor tells me I am on track to pass with at least a high merit, so I don't have anything to worry about in that regard.  

I'm glad I had the university experience, though I must confess that I am also delighted that I can finally read whatever I want, rather than the set reading list and core texts!  I can't wait to immerse myself in a new series of fantasy novels, something I can escape into, instead of the dry-as-sticks university reading I've been having to do for the last two years.

I have now been studying, in formal education, for eight years, so I'm ready for a little rest!  And I have to say that the Masters degree has been much more enjoyable than the counselling diploma ever was.  Yes, academia will always be a pretentious world, but if you can take it for what it is, without being drawn into that pretentiousness, it can be a very fun experience.  Just don't fall into the trap of taking yourself too seriously.

Having said all of that,  I am greatly looking forward to the self-directed learning of the dissertation.  It's going to be wonderful to just tuck myself away in my cosy, dark academia study and work on my final project, as sometimes it has felt like the classes are more of an interruption than a vital part of the course.  Maybe that is because I have always self-educated anyway. Working and learning from home is what I prefer.

However, nothing beats walking through a university and knowing that you belong, that you have earned the right to be there.  I don't feel sad that my time on the Masters is drawing to a close because the university maintain close ties with their Alumni, so even when I've graduated with my Masters degree this autumn, I'll still be going back into university for readings, Masterclasses and seminars every so often.  If something interests me, I'll go, and I can still use the library whenever I choose.  I suppose that is the advantage of living in your university town - it's always going to be right on my doorstep, so that world of academia will always be a part of my life now.  And I am already thinking about what I want to do next and making plans for the next stage!

I would say that you need to be of a scholarly frame of mind if you want to complete any course of formal education, because quite a bit of the work is done outside of class, so you need to be able to self-educate to complete those tasks and assignments.  And for certain professions a formal higher education is essential.  But for those people who just want to learn more about a subject, as a hobby, self-education is the easiest and the cheapest option.  While you won't get the kudos of a formal, recognized qualification or a graduation, you also won't have to read anything that bores you either. Nor will you be held to a strict timetable - you can learn entirely at your own pace. 

For status chasers, university will give you just that, because it's true that people do treat you differently once they know that you are completing or hold a Masters degree or above. It does alter how others perceive you, and in turn, how they behave towards you.  A university  education commands respect in a way that self-education does not, so it has that as an advantage, but the truth is, I don't feel any different now than I did several years ago before I returned to education in 2013.  It's just that people regard me as being 'very clever' now, whereas before, I'd just been 'very lucky' to get published! But I'm no different really, I just have more letters after my name. 

So my summer will be taken up in writing my dissertation, which is due in early September. I am also planning to continue self-educating at the same time, on the topic of Criminal Psychology, which is a subject we touched on during the Masters this year and I found it quite fascinating, so I want to learn more about it.   

In addition, having successfully published my psychotherapy column for the past three years with a magazine, I will now be re-posting the columns here on my blog each month, under the Wise Woman tag, so look out for those.  

Aside from all that, I will of course be making fresh plans and new goals to work towards, because I'm a Bruce and that's just what we do - we press ahead.  Plus, I have to start psyching myself up for another graduation ceremony later this year, pandemic permitting. I need Rescue Remedy just thinking about it!  Onwards and upwards!

BB Marie x 

WISE WOMAN; Parasitic Lifestylers

 

Have you ever found yourself being used by someone who is only interested in what they can get from you? It could be an ex-boyfriend who used you for sex and who still tries to create a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario; or perhaps a work colleague who pumps you for your ideas, just so that they can pass them off as their own during meetings. It could be a partner who expects you to work hard to provide for them, regularly draining your bank account with their needs. It could even be a friend who wants access to your professional contacts, just so that they can leap-frog over you in your career. In situations like these you may have inadvertently become the target of a social parasite.


Some years ago I knew a woman who led a very parasitic lifestyle. She was fit and healthy, yet she refused to go out to work and claimed benefits instead. To top up her benefits, she would regularly ask people for money or groceries. She would target one friend at a time, tapping them regularly until they got fed-up of the scrounging and sent her away empty-handed. Then she would move onto someone else instead. She was always the first one to welcome new friends into the circle, ingratiated herself with small gifts, then set about her feeding frenzy. She usually had a sob story to tell and would suck people dry by playing on their emotions until they opened their purse. She could gather a week’s groceries, just by phoning a friend or knocking on doors!

Now, I am all for helping those in genuine need, but you have to know when a person is taking advantage of you, and when to draw the line. Why should you waste your time, money and resources helping those who will not help themselves? It only prolongs the problem, for while ever they get their needs met by others, they have no incentive to start meeting their needs for themselves, so it fosters learned helplessness and becomes a cyclical behaviour pattern. Sometimes tough love is the best response. Just say no. Repeatedly. Until they understand that you’ve shut up shop and you’re not a cash machine!

It is important to recognize a social parasite early on, before they have drained you to the point of resentment – or bankruptcy! Most people have heard of energy vampires. Social parasites work in exactly the same way, only they drain material resources instead – food, money, goods, services and so on. Some are so skilled it’s hard to say no, like the friend who never has enough money to cover their share of a meal or a taxi. Others have been doing it for so long that they think it is a normal way to live. It isn’t. It’s intrusive, unfair and immoral.

With the economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic just becoming evident, parasitic life-stylers are likely to go into overdrive, so it pays to have a ready response should one come knocking on your door in the near future. As I said, tough love is the best response and saying no repeatedly should eventually have the desired effect and send them away.

Like all parasites, they need a host to feed upon, so if it becomes clear that you are not prepared to meet their needs, they will move on to someone else instead. Offer more practical assistance, such as suggesting they apply for jobs or additional benefits, contact a social worker, or give them phone numbers they can call for a referral to a food bank or reputable debt charity. If they keep asking for money, tell them you don’t keep cash in the house as you only use a debit card for your own expenses. Refuse invitations to go out with someone who has a habit of not buying their round of drinks, or those who eat and run before the bill comes in. Be firm with them and with yourself.

Of course, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give a cup of sugar to a neighbour in a pinch, only that you shouldn’t supply a full list of groceries to the same person, for months on end, with no signs of them trying to provide for themselves, thus encouraging their dependency. Use your own judgment and common sense to separate those in genuine need, from those who choose a parasitic life. Your refusal might be just the shock they need to get a job and get their life back on track. Independence and autonomy should always be encouraged wherever possible.

Serene Blessings,

Marie Bruce x