WISE WOMAN; Prom Queen Syndrome

 

I didn’t have a prom when I left secondary school in 1990.  It wasn’t really a thing back then, but in recent years this American tradition has leap-frogged into the British school system and lots of teenagers now anticipate their prom with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation.  Because with the Prom, comes the Prom Queen; or at least, a magnification of the comparisons and envy that are a part of life and not just confined to our teenage years.

            I am reminded of a line in the film Ice Princess when Joan Cusack hits the nail on the head saying; “I guess no matter how old we get, some of us will always hate the Prom Queen”.   And it’s true isn’t it?  Because for every Mean Girl who grows out of such spitefulness, there is always the odd one who grows into it; that one woman who sees all other women as a blanket threat she has to tear down.  To such an individual as this, we are all the Prom Queens she loves to hate!

            So how do you navigate interactions with this kind of envious woman and how do you support your daughters and granddaughters as they face similar challenges in their own lives?  Well, first it helps to know where envy comes from.  We are led to believe that envy is an emotion, but while it is felt at an emotional level, it has its root in the psychological workings of the mind.  Psychotherapists often talk about the Locus of Evaluation and how it can be Internal or External.  Basically, this is a posh term for one’s world-view; bear with me a moment as I explain.

People who have an Internal Locus of Evaluation focus on their own lives, goals and ambitions.  They form their own opinions and they are not governed by what others think about them.  They are true to themselves and tend to be well-adjusted and productive individuals.  They also tend to begin their sentences with “I think/I feel…”

            On the other hand, people who have an External Locus of Evaluation focus on what everybody else is doing.  They begin their sentences with “She thinks/They think…”  as in “She thinks she’s all that!” – another Americanism, but one which is a classic sign of an External world-view. They constantly compare themselves unfavourably to their peers and have trouble making their own judgements.  This means that they watch other people’s lives from the side-lines, not to be a cheerleader, but with an unhealthy degree of competitiveness and a tendency to find fault in the ‘competition’.  So if they see a woman who is doing well, they are likely to be resentful of her success and the seeds of envy have been planted.  Acting from a place of envy, they might then attempt to sabotage and tear down their rival.

            But the truth is that this kind of envy really comes from a deeply repressed sense of admiration. The envious woman is in a bit of a bind, because in truth she admires everything about her rival and wants to be just like her – she might even emulate her rival’s style and hobbies etc., to prove to herself that she is just as good.  Yet because she cannot bring herself to openly admire the competition, instead she resentfully tries to pull her rival off the pedestal, in an attempt to try and take her place.

            I call this kind of behaviour Prom Queen Syndrome, which isn’t an official diagnostic term, rather it’s a phrase I use with my clients to help them understand what’s going on. Because sadly, it is often close friends and even sisters, who demonstrate this kind of behaviour, seeing their targets as the Prom Queen they want to tear down.  It can be difficult to cope with and damaging to relationships.

            In a strange way, Prom Queen Syndrome is a kind of compliment – a twisted compliment admittedly, but still a compliment - so try to take it as one and let the envious woman know that you take her sniping jibes that way.  The last thing she will want to do is offer you compliments, so telling her that’s how you will take her spite, might well be enough to silence her and nip it in the bud! 

Also try to get her to focus more on herself, pointing out the things she can do that you can’t, and nurturing in her a more Internal world-view, as you maintain your own Internal view-point. Because if you spend too much time worrying about any envious woman, then she’s already won.  So live your life, you do you - and to quote Anne Boleyn “Let them grumble”!

Until next month, Serene Blessings

Marie Bruce x