Picture this scene. You are having a night out with your friends
or your partner. You’re wearing a new
outfit and your favourite shoes; you’ve recently had your hair done and you’ve finally
found a foundation that makes your skin seem naturally flawless. You’re enjoying yourself with your loved
ones, having a few drinks and letting your hair down for a bit. Then you hear it. In a stage whisper, a nearby woman says to
her friends as they all glare at you “Look
at her. Who does she think she is?!”
Maybe
you know this person and maybe you don’t, but in an instant your confidence
plummets and you feel self-conscious, which is exactly what she wanted you to
feel. Her poison arrow has hit the
target – you – and suddenly the night isn’t as much fun as it was before. You might try to smile your way through the
rest of the evening or you might decide it’s time to go home or move on to
another venue, but now your choices are coloured by someone else’s perception
of you and that’s not okay. You have the
right to go out and enjoy yourself and to look great as you do so.
So
what just happened? In short, female
envy has just reared its ugly head and spat in your pretty face in an effort to
diminish you. In psychotherapy we call
this Female Relational Aggression and unfortunately it’s all too common. It happens on nights out, in the workplace,
in schools, colleges and universities, even in close friendships and between
sisters. Basically, female relational
aggression happens wherever there are groups of women coexisting together and
when Mean Girl types band together, they can wreak havoc and cause untold
amounts of psychological damage to their victims. Relational aggression can happen at any stage
of life and no age group is immune to it, which is why elderly women are often
so negative towards younger women. It’s
not just the generation gap that leads to misunderstandings, but relational
aggression at work, amplified by the envy of youth, that is in play.
In
practice it looks very similar to the Narcissistic Vendetta that we discussed
in an earlier column, though relational aggression is more prevalent and has
nothing to do with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If, however a narcissist is involved, then
the relational aggression is likely to be much worse and unrelenting. Remember, there is no cure for narcissism and
NPD.
So
what do you do when confronted with relational aggression and why does it
happen? This tendency some women have to
try and diminish other females comes from the natural competitiveness that is
in our DNA, but while men compete overtly and openly, women compete covertly
and in secret. There is a traditional
social standard which dictates that women shouldn’t appear too competitive as
it is often regarded as being unfeminine and unladylike, yet we are still
hard-wired to compete for a mate or to find the best resources for our
children, which means that competition is inevitable. So women compete with each other in secret,
leading to accusations of being two-faced and underhand.
We’ve
all done it at some point in our lives.
Think about it. Have you ever
felt envy towards a friend for her success, or beauty, or the things she owns? Have you secretly tried to emulate that
success in your own life, maybe by applying to work with the same company
without her knowledge, or by copying her style?
Buying the same things, having similar hair-cuts and so on is a subtle
form of relational aggression because your actions are saying “See. I’m just as good as you are!”
Think
about the film Black Swan where Nina, played by Natalie Portman, is stealing
things from prima ballerina Beth, played by Winona Ryder, in an effort to be
more like her idol. Nina wants the magic
she sees in Beth and she thinks that stealing Beth’s lipstick and so on, will
help her to attain it. This is
relational aggression at work, because you just
don’t steal from your friends and colleagues! It is about Nina trying to even the playing
field and bring herself up to Beth’s level by stealing her things.
Now
while most of us wouldn’t dream of stealing anything, we do frequently find
ourselves buying the same things as our friends, particularly those friends
that we admire the most and maybe envy a little. Again, this is a way of leveling up with a
woman we admire and/or envy, because the point of relational aggression is to
try and equalize ourselves among other women.
And if you can’t level up –
you tear her down instead. That’s how relational aggression works.
Another
example is that of a small group of women who are brought together through the
friendship between their partners or husbands.
There is a subtle homogenization that takes place over time – similar
haircuts, similar clothes, similar interests and so on. But more than this,
these women will go out of their way to point out to their own husbands how
similar the other women are to herself – her message being “Don’t even think about cheating on me with one of them because you
won’t be getting anything different at all, so you might as well stick with
me!” And woe-betide the new woman
who comes into the group, looking and acting completely different to the
rest. She will either have to conform to
the look of the group, or risk being bullied and gossiped about in a
relational aggressive campaign against her by the other women. Frequently the men have no concept of what is
going on and are baffled by this type of behaviour.
Becoming
more aware of when we are acting aggressively towards another woman, either
overtly or covertly, is the first step to ensuring that we don’t participate in
this negative phenomenon. You can always
choose to walk away if relational aggression is going on around you, or you can
make a stand for the victim and call out the instigators. Notice when you begin to covet something
another woman has, or when you begin to copy her. There is nothing wrong with being inspired by
other women, but copying everything someone has or does is a sign that envy is
at play in your heart and that you are moving into relational aggression
territory, so rein it in and find your own style instead.
Being
on the receiving end of relational aggression can be a very traumatic
experience and like the Narcissistic Vendetta, it can leave lasting scars. Sadly, the closer the perpetrator the deeper
the wounds, so if you have been betrayed by a sister or best friend due to her envy and covert aggression towards you, then the scars might last a lifetime. Counselling can help you to work through this
kind of trauma.
For
lesser instances of relational aggression, say in the workplace or at the gym,
understanding where this behaviour has come from can sometimes be enough for it
to no longer bother you.
You
might also choose to deal with it directly and in the moment, as I did. Some
years ago, when I was working in the local village pub, I was enjoying a drink
with my colleagues on my night off. It
was disco night and we were laughing, dancing and sharing a bit of banter, when
a woman who had just come into the pub looked me up and down and said “Who does
she
think she is?”. Quick as a flash I
retorted “She thinks she works here, so if you come in on my
shift, you’ll be thirsty!” I meant of course that she would not get served at
the bar. Sure enough, she left soon
afterwards and took her spite elsewhere. It was no great loss.
When
this kind of thing happens, remember that on some level, the woman who is
targeting you, envies you. You have
inadvertently triggered her competitive instinct and she feels threatened by
you. Instead of getting upset, play a
little game with yourself and look out for signs of her trying to level up with
you – maybe she turns up to the gym in new gym gear, or has had hair extensions
fitted to compete with your natural long locks.
See the signs and take it as a compliment. If it gets very out of hand, you might need
to confront her and point out the relational aggressive traits that she is
indulging in. Many women are unaware of
this phenomenon – having it pointed out and explained to her in a polite manner
and letting her know you are unaffected by her behaviour, should be enough to
stop her in her tracks. And if it isn’t,
just do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off! You are entitled to be your best, brightest
and most talented, successful self, so never let anyone diminish your light. Until next month,
Serene Blessings
Marie Bruce x
