WISE WOMAN; Narcissistic Abuse

 

A few years ago I had a series of very unpleasant interactions with a woman who took an instant dislike to me because I was a published author, while she kept on having her work rejected.   There was duplicity in everything she did. She would be nasty to my face, but then contact one of my publishers and drop my name as if we were friends, because she thought that would get her book published by association. When that didn’t work, she began to try and discredit me with my editors, which also proved ineffective. 

In discussing this with my editors and fellow therapists, it soon became clear that we were dealing with someone who had a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD to be precise.  In this sense narcissism is far more than simply thinking too much of oneself, or posting too many selfies on Instagram. It is a psychological disorder which means that people who have it are basically incapable of healthy, well-adjusted relationships and they suffer from deeply ingrained jealousy. 

Narcissists have certain traits that mark them out from the rest of us, which will help you to identify when you are in the presence of someone with NPD. These traits include a rather grandiose sense of self, a fantasy of being powerful, an obsession with appearances which leads to fabricated stories of their ‘achievements’ – they might even adopt false titles to make themselves look more successful than they are.  They tend to believe that they are special and superior to everyone else, deserving of special treatment, demanding excessive attention and admiration wherever they go and they will demonstrate excessive amounts of envy.  In addition, they are manipulative and exploitative towards other people, including and sometimes especially, their nearest and dearest.  A narcissistic spouse will expect to be waited on like a royalty and will use the kids as weapons; a narcissistic mother will try to rule your life and that of your family long after you’ve flown the nest; and a narcissistic boss or mother-in-law can make your life hell!

The main issue with dealing with a narcissist is that they lack empathy, so they can never see your side.  They don’t acknowledge when they are wrong and they never apologise, because in their narcissistic world, they are never wrong and it is everybody else who is in the wrong.  This makes negotiation and compromise virtually impossible, because every interaction is a power play to their self-perceived superiority.

They often demonstrate a strong sense of entitlement, expecting that everything they want will just come to them without them having to work for it, and just like the narcissist I was dealing with who tried to use my name to get herself published, narcissists are happy to use other people – even people they don’t like - to further their own ends.  Basically, if they can tear you down and take your place, they will.

Furthermore, narcissists absolutely thrive on drama – it’s like mother’s milk to them; in the therapy room we call this the narcissistic supply, which basically means that they get a high off dramatic altercations and this is why they like to cause trouble – because it feeds them.  Conversely and somewhat annoyingly, narcissists can also be extremely charming, which is how they draw people into their toxic web in the first place and what makes it so difficult to get away from their influence. 

 So what do you do?

Well, the first thing to do is take a deep breath and step back a little bit.  Realise that it isn’t really personal, it’s just who they are. Identifying the person as a narcissist is half the battle, because now you know exactly what you are dealing with.  Then tread carefully. Exposing a narcissist’s lies, or telling them they have a personality disorder, will only induce narcissistic rage, which will set them on the path to vengeance. A narcissist can hold a grudge forever and they will immediately set about discrediting you by any means possible.  Their favourite method of vengeance is the smear campaign – this is when they will use all that charm to try and turn others against you, to damage your reputation both personally and professionally, and to make others question the state of your mental health.

So if you shouldn’t confront them, what should you do?  The best way to end a narcissists interest in you is to cut off their narcissistic supply.  In psychotherapy we call this the grey rock method – that is, being as dull and boring as a grey rock, which cuts off their supply. This means not engaging with them in any altercation – just because they invite you to an argument doesn’t mean that you are obliged to attend.  Tell them simply and politely that you’re sorry they feel that way, but you don’t; that they are entitled to their version of reality, but yours differs; that their emotion (anger, jealousy etc.) is their own responsibility, not yours. 

Because you are refusing to engage in a battle of wills, they don’t get the supply they want and so they will eventually move on to someone else.  Refuse to offer them any personal information too, because to a narcissist, information is ammunition and they will try to use it against you, so keep conversations to safe ‘grey’ topics like the weather. This gives them absolutely nothing to work with, or to work against you. If they accuse you of being boring, or of living a boring life, simply agree with them. If at all possible, cut off all contact with them completely.  Remember that they can use social media to glean information about you too, so be very careful what you post, even if you block them.

It may take some time, but once the narcissist realizes that you are not an easy target or a push-over and that you are not playing the game by their rules, they will find another target and source of narcissistic supply.  Being the target of a narcissist, their vindictive vengeance and abuse, can be an unpleasant experience.  I was lucky in that my psychotherapy training helped me to quickly identify it and deflect it effectively, but if you are struggling, don’t be afraid to seek out counselling to help you to work through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.

Unfortunately, narcissists are unlikely to ever change, but you can at least console yourself with the fact that you are always free to walk away from them and cut them out of your life completely, while they are stuck with themselves forever, so who has the last laugh really?  Until next month,

Serene Blessings

Marie Bruce x