ONCE UPON A DREAM; The Mothership

People frequently ask me why I don't have children.  It's because I'm smart.  It's because I'm observant.  It's because I noticed from a young age that motherhood changes women, and not for the better! I have always known that motherhood is not for me.  I didn't even play with baby dolls as a child - only fashion dolls.  It is a way of life that has never interested me in the slightest. 

I remember having a tantrum with my mum when she insisted on dragging me to the GP for a Rubella injection when I was 11.  I knew then that it wasn't needed - I was never having babies. She didn't believe me and gave me the standard grown up answer of "You'll change your mind when you get older".  I'm now 43 - and I still haven't changed my mind, nor do I have any regrets or worries that I might have made the wrong decision and left it too late. I have made the right choice for me - babies are just not my thing.

I have noticed over the years that something happens to women when they have a baby.  The first pregnancy is filled with excitement and joyfulness - they can't wait!  Subsequent pregnancies are much more subdued and quiet.  There is little fanfare in the announcement and the joyfulness isn't apparent - because they know what they are in for!  The blessing of ignorance has been stripped from them and replaced with experience of the birthing chamber and the day to day toils of childcare.

I have watched motherhood turn bright, ambitious women into snazzy, resentful individuals, envious of anyone with an ounce of success or freedom. I have seen kind, compassionate women become engulfed in entitlement, expecting the world to bend over backwards for them just because they have a few kids in tow! As if!

Motherhood diminishes women and dulls their sparkle. They lose their glitter.  Motherhood can derail a promising career; or render it completely out of the question, particularly if education has been forsaken in favour of getting pregnant as young as possible.  When motherhood is viewed as a career choice, as it is by lots of teenage girls; or a get out of life free card when women reach a certain age and realise that they have done nothing with their life so far except drift, resentment is the result; resentment that they are shackled to the home and a school run; resentment towards their man who gets to enjoy a career and the success that goes with it; resentment of women who don't have children and who live a life of more freedom. 

It seems to me that the only person a woman can really trap with the 'accidental' pregnancy plan, is herself. But she knows that an empty nest just isn't enough to keep a man coming home every night to a wife he never wanted, or has tired of. And if she can't have more children herself, she'll use the grandchildren to fill the void. 

Men will take any and every opportunity to leave the house that has become a creche, whenever they can.  They take on jobs that mean they work away a lot; they stay late at work for meetings; they have to play golf with the boss at weekends; they work overtime to gain promotions.  And ultimately, a man is always free to walk away from the relationship and start again with someone new, possibly even having more children and a whole new family.  Men are never really trapped by parenthood in the way that women are, for it is always the women who are left holding the babies. 

Call me crazy, but I am not prepared to take such a high risk gamble with my life and the freedom that is so important to me. I want to be as free as any man, and the only way I can achieve that is to remain blissfully child-free. I certainly don't feel as if I am missing out on anything. My nurturing side is given over to animals and my counselling work, and my ambition has never been derailed.  I generally achieve my goals, because I can commit to them fully; I am not distracted by childcare duties. 

So I am content with my choice to remain child-free. What does irritate me though is the resentment I get from women with children, because I have more free time and disposable income than they might have.  I can spend my money on what I want. If I want a new Chanel perfume I can buy one, with my own money, not a husbands - I don't have to wonder if the kids need new shoes first.  If I want to go away alone on a nice holiday, I can do so - I don't need to organise childcare first and then worry all week! I am free to do as I please.  Spending my life hiding behind a pram has never been my aspiration, but for some women, giving birth is the best way for them to avoid life, tucked far away from the working world and the responsibilities that go with it. 

This doesn't go down well with some mums who seem to think that their life choice is more valid and important than mine. It isn't. The fact that they work to provide for their kids isn't more valid that the fact that I write to provide for myself.  But I often get comments like "Mmm, it must be nice"  Yes, it is.

I make no apologies for my life. I chose not to get married or have children because I knew it would make me feel trapped and I need to feel free.  I had the sense to think ahead - I took a good long look at motherhood and I didn't like the end the result I saw, so I didn't go down that path.  Which means that I don't wake up in my mid-forties wondering where my life has gone and why I haven't done anything with it!  I wake up knowing that I have achieved most of my goals and I am still setting new ones that I will achieve in the future.   I'm just not interested in being beamed up by the mothership.

My journey is one of freedom and fancy, of glitter and glamour. My path is artistic and creative.  I have the freedom to follow my heart wherever it leads and to chase after my wildest dreams...to go where the whim takes me, because freedom is my bliss. 

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Fey-Dreamer

Midsummer fey-dreams

I am a day-dreamer, a fey-dreamer...It is that time of year again, as the summer solstice approaches, my mind turns to all things fey and faerie, to the wondrous and the whimsical.  As the earth embraces the bright season and all is lush with new growth, I fall into fey-dreams of possibility.  Hope is renewed with the lengthening days and the magic within me stirs restlessly, eager to be cast out into the wider world with a heartfelt cry of Blessed Be!

I cast daily charm spells for all who need a little boost - for people I know and those I have never met; for my readers and my clients; for family and friends alike.  Charms are simple acts of magical kindness, like lighting a candle and dedicating the flame to those who need a little more light in their lives. Or blowing wish bubbles out into the clear blue sky, wishing joy for the sorrowful, or healing for the sick.  Random acts of magic like this help to keep me positive and optimistic. Because someone, somewhere needs a bit of magic in their lives and I am happy to share mine. It takes no time at all, but it puts a spring in my step as I think of the good wishes reaching the targets I know nothing about.

Summertime is all about faerie magic and it is nice to get out into nature more. I make daisy-chain crowns and wish on stars on a summers eve. I cast a pebble into the seventh wave of an incoming tide and state my desire to the merrowmaids.  I write goals on leaves and bury them to bring them into reality. I float feathers on a river to cast troubles away or dance with the sylphs of air on a windy day or invoke the winds of change by hanging wind chimes in my home. These are all simple charms to keep the good magic flowing in my life. 

The long winter can leave us all a little stagnant, but spring and summer bring oceans of opportunity if we are open to it.  Faerie magic can open your heart to love, joy and abundance, which is why I wrote a book and composed music about it. Reading books on fairy-lore and ritual can help you to rise above the mundane and see the world in a completely new light.  

I love reading books about Otherworldly places, allowing my imagination to take flights of fancy with the elves of Middle Earth, or the water kelpies of Scottish folklore.  

I believe that flights of fancy are to be encouraged at any time of year, but especially through the faerie season of midsummer.  I was going to write a Book Nook post about my favourite faerie books and music, but I honestly have too many to choose from. So instead I plan to Tweet about various fey books from now until the end of August - it is the best way to do them all justice!

So come follow me on Twitter and set your inner Faerie Queene free as we tread softly upon the petal path of faerie dreams, venturing deep into Elphame to dance with the Sidhe...for this is where the magic happens!

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Banking Karma

It's 3am as I start to write this post. I have been up all night writing essays for my counselling course, which I am happy to report will soon be at an end.  I have only five classes left to attend and a couple more essays to write, and then the training will be over.  I am looking forward to crossing the finish line!

It will be nice to get my freedom back.  When I embarked on the course I didn't imagine that it would infiltrate so much of my life, but it feels as though everything else has had to be put on the back burner for the past four years.  It will be nice to have free time again, where I'm not thinking about the latest college assignment.

I miss day-dreaming. I miss being able to sit in reverie, without feeling guilty because I'm not writing essays!  I miss reading books that are nothing to do with psychotherapy.  In the past four years, I have had to think of my course as a priority.  This doesn't sit well with my rebellious, Bohemian spirit. I like to be free to drift through the days, doing what I want, when I want to.  

I hate writing essays.  It is the most tedious writing I have ever had to do. Essays leave no space for self-expression because every word has to meet a certain target and you are shackled to the criteria.  This academic hoop jumping has really stifled my creativity.  The best way I can describe is, it is like writer's block, but instead of being blocked out of writing, you are boxed in to a corner and a particular kind of writing -  a kind that is zero fun to produce and feels very much like a complete waste of your time. It's not that it is hard intellectually - it's just very tedious to keep repeating the same thing over and over, because all essays are simply a variation on a theme. At least I keep passing them though, that's a blessing. 

I feel less like myself because of it, which is surprising because I was assured that this course would make me much more self-aware - so shouldn't I feel more like myself then?  Apparently not. 

All this will change once I have my life back in July - I will no longer have to wear the student hat, and I can go back to just being myself.  I won't be trapped in a classroom every week, bored and fed up of endless navel gazing. Instead I will have my freedom once more - freedom to look up at the stars and dream magically, rather than examining all the crap in the world and trying to identify where it came from!  Freedom to focus on my real job of writing once again, taking it in a new direction;  freedom to take the dance class that I've had to put off because it falls on the same night I'm in college; freedom to play, to be filled with wonder at the beauty of the world, rather than focusing on that one inevitable imperfection and discussing it to death!

There is one good aspect to the course though and that is my placement.  I love doing my clinical hours.  It is the only part of the training that makes me happy, and which validates my original theory that you really don't need a diploma to help people - counselling is little more than basic common sense and human kindness. I said as much at the beginning of my training, and four years later I stand by that assessment.   I have used nothing I have learnt in class on my placement because each organisation has its own way of working.  My placement is with a counselling organisation and totally separate from the college, so it is a nice break from the lectures.

I never expected that working for free as a psychotherapist would be the best part of the course, but it is.  Obviously it would be better if I was getting paid for my time, but that will come eventually, just like it did with my writing.  I love my placement.Because everyone is voluntary there is no hierarchy, and people are nice! There is no bitching, no snottiness (some counsellors I've met in the past can be quite snotty) and no veiled put-downs masquerading as 'concern' like you sometimes get with doctors.  It is just a really nice environment. I enjoy working there and I come home feeling elated that I have played a small part in helping my clients through a very dark time in their lives.  It is the one part of my course where I feel like myself again.

Of course helping people with their troubles is all part of being a witch, so despite the academics trying to remould me, I am still doing exactly what I have always done - and that is, I help people, bringing a glimmer of light into their darkness, as any wise woman of old would have done.  As a messenger, I can sometimes bring comfort to those who need a sign, but mostly I help people to keep living, as best they can, when they think that their life is over. 

I see it as banking good karma - I help those who need me, for free, and that skilled kindness will be returned to me by the threefold law at a later stage. Its a win-win situation.  I wish all good things for my clients, just as I do for my readers.  Spreading kindness and gentleness helps to shine a light in the world and it makes a positive difference. But I'd be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to the eventual cosmic pay-day! Good things come to those who wait. 

BB x

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Patience is a Virtue, But Mine Wears Thin!

"But it never is time for the waiting to be over, until its time. No matter how much wringing of the hands, crying, begging or bargaining we do, the waiting will continue until its damn good and ready, which is rarely soon enough...

The truth is that waiting is when the magic happens. Waiting is the mystical space between the dreaming and its coming true."

from Romancing the Ordinary by Sarah Ban Breathnach

I'm good at waiting, but sometimes my patience wears a bit thin.  Its not so much the waiting that bothers me - its the silence, the false endings and the lack of news that irritate me and make me wonder if my time is being wasted. But this is what I need to remember - it will all happen in its own time, not mine. Be patient. Keep busy. Play music with meaning and wait for the magic to happen, because this really is just the beginning...better to wait and make a fresh start, than to rush and make a false start.

xoxo

MUSICAL DOLL; Candyman

Good things come to boys who wait...

xoxo

MUSICAL DOLL; Half The World Away

The sun comes up in China

The lights go on in Rome

Half the world is waiting...

xoxo

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Pretty In Pink - Biker Heaven

My Life Mantra

I have been utterly seduced...I have just returned from retail heaven!  The local shopping centre is simply full of pink, tempting me in every shop window...shades of rose, blush, flamingo, candy floss, baby, shell...were everywhere I looked, as far as the doe-eyed could see.  The shopping buzz has me in its grip and I am delirious and dizzy with joy! 

Pink has always been my favourite colour, closely followed by red. But for years pink hasn't really been that available, so I am delighted that it is now the colour of the season.  I have spent a happy couple of hours shopping this morning, adding to my collection of all things pink.

Some time ago I bought a lovely dusky rose pink, trench-coat style jacket.  Because I am petite I have a problem getting coats and jackets to fit me and all the trench-coats swamped me, but this little pink jacket comes just past my hips and belts at the waist, so it fits quite nicely.  I have been wearing it for college and clinical placement and people always compliment me on it.  You certainly do get more attention when you're dressed in something pink, hence the old saying "Wear pink to make the boys wink".  I have always found this to be true. 

Earlier this week I was out with my mother and I spotted a darling pastel pink tote bag, which of course I snapped up right away.  It's the perfect size for me and matches my pink kiss-clasp purse from Accessorise, so I knew I was meant to have it.  It goes beautifully with the dusky rose trench-coat too and they make a perfect pair.

Then today I was seduced - literally seduced - by another pink jacket!  A leather biker jacket to be exact, in the softest, palest shell pink!!  It's zips were twinkling at me under the store lights and I just lost all sense of self control... I had to have it...I just had to. It reminded me of Michelle Pfeiffer singing 'Cool Rider' in Grease 2.  I love that song (see end of post) - it sums me up.  So the biker jacket and a pink semi-sheer skirt, shot through with silver thread, found their way into my shopping basket and I beamed at the check out girl as she claimed her commission on the sale.

I justified the purchase by reminding myself that I still wear the black leather biker jacket I bought way back when I was 18.  It still fits and looks fab, so if the pink one is as good an investment, I will be very happy with it.  I also feel like I deserve a little treat for making it through four years of academic torture - my psychotherapy training finishes this summer and this jacket is my reward for sticking with the course.

It also goes nicely with a very pretty dress I bought a few weeks ago - a dream of a dress that is floaty, floral and balletic in style.  If you follow me on Twitter you will already know that I love this dress so much I named it Juliet! It's romantic and feminine and I can't wait to wear it with my new pink biker jacket.

Finally I popped into Victoria Secret and sniffed around all their fragrances.  I love their bath and body products; my favourites are currently Amber Romance and also Temptation, which suits me, being the author of  The Wiccan Temptress, which you can purchase here if you are so inclined. 

So it has been a very productive few weeks of girly shopping sprees.  I do love buying new clothes - it honestly makes me feel better, and I need smart new things to wear for my clinical placement and also for my holiday to Oban in autumn.  I can't wait for that. Just four months or so to go and I will be back in the land of the kilted Scotsmen where kisses aplenty await! Until then let's not forget that... 

"On Wednesdays we wear pink" 

- from Mean Girls

I wanna Cool Rider (In a kilt!)