ONCE UPON A DREAM: I'm Back at Oxford!

 

I wasn't planning on returning to university. I finished my year of studying at Oxford University in December 2024, which marked the end of ten years of studying. I received the news that I had passed the course in January 2025 and I thought that was that. I thought that I was done with my studies. I'd already achieved all that I had wanted to achieve academically and I was happy to just take that knowledge forward and get on with my life.  Although I felt a slight touch of fomo back in September when all the back-to-uni vibes were buzzing, I personally had no intention of jumping back into it at all.

However, as soon as I realised that some people were irritated by my academic achievements, I felt like they were waving a red rag to a bull.  My rebellious Bruce heart was roused and I immediately applied to another university course! I was accepted back in October 2025 and duly paid my course fees. There's no denying I did it for devilment. I did it to prove a point. The point being, no-one puts limits on what I can achieve. No-one tells me what I can and can't do. I decide those things for myself. Its called autonomy and I'm actually rather good at it! Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

I also really enjoy studying. I love the scholarly life, the lectures, the study groups, the common room chit-chat and so on. To a certain degree, I even quite enjoy writing essays - not because they are enjoyable, but because I like to see for myself how much learning I have absorbed and what kind of sense I can make of it. This reputation for having a scholarly approach has also brought in additional writing opportunities that I might not have received otherwise, so studying has been great for my work as a writer.

The thing about studying at university level is that -  its like a game. The tutors, whilst very supportive and lovely, will push you and stretch you to see if you break under pressure. Academics has its own language and you will not be given a glossary of terms or a crib sheet to explain it all. You are expected to learn the language under your own initiative.  You are expected to come to lectures with a reasonable foundation of scholastic learning to begin with. If you don't already have that in place, its your job to do the ground work, and do it quickly! That's why peer support and study groups are so useful, because you can learn from other one another. If you have been out of education for some time, university can be very intimidating, but it is meant to be, especially at somewhere like Oxford, which has its own rep to protect. The onus is on the student to bring themselves up to par. 

When I first began studying the psychotherapy course back in autumn 2013, I realised that I didn't have a full understanding of the academic lingo. I didn't have an A-level, only my GCSEs, and I was jumping straight in at university level. That was a significant academic gap for me to bridge. I loved books, but I had to learn how to do more detailed close-reading of texts, breaking them apart, finding the key structure and thesis, formulating my own argument and using the text as simply a jumping off point for my own hypotheses. I knew how to meet a deadline, but academic research was quite new to me and not something I had done very much of in the past. It was quite a learning curve, but one that I enjoyed immensely. I studied the art of studying, alongside my actual course studies, learning what makes a great essay, what pitfalls to watch out for, how to construct an argument and so on. None of these things were taught in class by our tutors. They were things I taught myself through self-study outside of the lecture hall.   

I turned the whole thing into a game, competing not against my fellow students, but against myself, to see how clever I could become, how learned I could make myself feel. And that is where the buzz of academics kicked in - because there is a buzz to developing your own intellect and to leaving a class, a lecture or a course, a bit smarter than you were when you started. I learnt that I was clever, but I had to work hard for that knowledge, pushing through impostor syndrome, fear of failure and inadequacy until I slowly began to trust my own intelligence.  I loved that my mind was being stretched and the feeling of neuroplasticity that gave me. The academic buzz was strong!

So the idea of returning to university to do another course wasn't distasteful to me, and like I said, I had a point to prove! I do what I want, I achieve what I want and if people don't like me for it that's just tough. I'm always going to press ahead - its in the Bruce blood. 

I began my current course with Oxford a few weeks ago, at the start of Hilary term and it will continue until early summer. Its a topic that has fascinated me for many, many years and I am enjoying studying the subject academically.  There are, of course, more essays to write and presentations to give, but for the most part I am excited by the course rather than apprehensive about it. Having spent the whole of 2024 studying at Oxford, I know what to expect, so I feel that I am well prepared and I have a firm grounding in how Oxford University works, what the Professors expect etc. The subject is one close to my heart and it's making me rethink what I thought I knew about it, which is always a good thing. I have lectures a couple of times a week, plus study group and common room,  and our Professors are lovely. It can be a little dry at times, but that's Oxford for you! Its just all part of the academic sphere.

My first formative essay is due in mid-February so I am currently in the note-taking phase of planning that out. It is rather fun and I get to be a scholar all over again, which is nice. I do think though, that having been a university student for over a decade, across various courses and subjects, that I will always be a scholar now. It's how I have programmed my mind to work and that is no bad thing. Plus its really good for my writing career which is an added bonus. 

Until next time, Dominus illuminatio mea.

Serene Blessings

Marie x

 

BOOK NOOK: Boleyn Traitor by Philippa Gregory

 'She has a pretty face,' I say simply. 'But it's not a false face. And he's seen nothing but false faces and painted smiles for all his life. D'you think he wants an honest woman now? Does any man want an honest woman as his wife? Don't you all prefer liars?'

I have just finished reading Boleyn Traitor by Philippa Gregory and I feel quite moved by it. I have read all of Gregory's Tudor Court and Cousins War novels and I love how immersive they are. The writing is so rich and full of tiny little details about daily life in the Tudor court, that you feel as if you are a part of that world.  This novel is just as strong, throwing you into the story in the midst of Anne Boleyn's fateful marriage to King Henry VIII and leading you through the fates of his next three successive wives. 

I have no liking for Henry VIII. He was a terrible abuser of women, even by the standards of his own time. He was a despotic, misogynistic individual who ruled on a whim and was prone to childish tantrums. Like many overindulged spoilt brats, he only got worse as time went on, keeping his wives in a perpetual state of anxiety, insecurity, panic and fear for their lives. There is no doubt that he was a highly abusive husband who treated all of his wives appallingly, lining up the next wife before he'd even dispatched the previous one! Disgusting man! He was a real-life Bluebeard, murdering wives and quickly seeking out another, by way of replacement.

In this novel however, we follow the story of a woman who oversaw the Queen's Rooms throughout these tumultuous events. Jane Boleyn was Anne Boleyn's sister-in-law, wife to George Boleyn, and the women who managed to keep her head when they did not.  Indeed, Jane is a staple of the Queen's Rooms, keeping everything running smoothly despite the upheaval of having to welcome one wife after another. She is the Chief Lady in Waiting to the Queen - any queen, whoever the king's itch of the moment happens to be. Her allegiance is to the Crown, to herself and her patron, Thomas Cromwell. In short, Jane is a spy, using her place among the queen's ladies to glean information and pass it back to Lord Cromwell.

As such she is a rather duplicitous character and while I wouldn't say that I liked her, I did find myself having some empathy for her, especially towards the end.  You know you are reading a great author when you dislike a character but still find yourself sympathising with them. It is one of the signifiers of excellent writing. 

As first one queen and then another falls and is dispatched, Jane is on hand to usher in the new queen and to serve her as a friend and advisor. The problem is that Jane is a false friend and a bad advisor, her judgement being skewed by her own personal ambition. She is clever, but perhaps not quite as clever as she thinks she is. There is more than a touch of hubris about her and she is prideful because she is very book-learned and she can speak Latin and Greek with the powerful men of court.  Jane convinces herself that while the queens might be disposable, she is indispensable.  

I found this novel to be very chilling in places. There are scenes that depict the smooth running of the court, the Queen's Rooms especially, which go on in the same routine, regardless of who is the current queen, regardless of the current religion which oscillates between Catholicism and Protestantism and back again. Nothing else ever changes here, except the woman who wears the crown and her position is always precarious. There is no mourning when one queen is disposed of and another comes in to take her place.  There is no change in the routine, no change in the wardrobe - the new queen is expected to wear the jewels and attire of all the former queens with a smile of gratitude on her face. I'm surprised they even changed the bed sheets! Its all so cold, so cruel and unfeeling, like Henry himself is. There is an undercurrent of fear and distrust throughout the book, for how can a man who so easily switches from one wife to the next ever be trusted? He can't. His word is false, his temper is short and his love is only for himself. Sadly there are still men like that around today, who seem just as quick to trade in one wife for another.

Jane has to try and navigate all this, while passing information back to her mentor, Cromwell, and keeping herself as safe as possible in the treacherously unsafe world that is King Henry's court.  Jane Boleyn has been much maligned throughout history, often depicted as the original nosy Parker (her maiden name) and shown to be vindictive and vengeful. In Boleyn Traitor however, she is treated with far more sympathy than she is in say, Emily Purdy's The Tudor Wife, which holds fast to the propaganda of Jane as a spiteful, spurned wife. This is what I love about Philippa Gregory's work - she does her research thoroughly enough to be able to turn such propaganda on its head, presenting historical women in a more nuanced and multi-dimensional way, and while I did enjoy Purdy's novel, I prefer this one and the Jane Boleyn that Gregory portrays. Both novels are cracking reads, particularly if you enjoy Tudor court fiction.

I especially liked the way in which the court masques are used as a metaphor for the duplicity of the community and of the king. In Henry's court, everyone must wear a mask in order to survive and his love of play-acting and mumming is legendary. Gregory uses this historical detail as a plot device to great effect. There is also the significance of May Day and what it meant within Henry's court - the contrast between the seasonal merry-making and the betrayals that were playing out in the midst of all the revelry is truly shocking, as well-loved companions of the king ride away smiling, only to discover that favour has turned against them. This is masterful storytelling and I will never see May Day in quite the same way again!

As the novel progresses the tension increases and I had a growing sense of dread as I turned the pages. Even though I already knew how Jane's story ended, it didn't soften the blow when her luck eventually runs out. Of course her luck would run out - she was a woman, after all, and Henry really didn't like women. Her fate was in part self-inflicted, but I do believe that she would have suffered either way, by virtue of her being a women in the court of a misogynist king, as all the queens that she served suffered before her. It is impossible not to be moved by her story as she tried her best to survive in impossibly dangerous circumstances. 

Boleyn Traitor is a fantastic historical novel and it has kept me gripped late into the night. And just look at that cover! It is both beautiful and horrific - just as King Henry's court would have been. Enjoy the intrigues of this spectacular novel - and whatever you do, don't let your mask slip - you never know who might be watching...

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: Boleyn Traitor by Philippa Gregory is published by HarperCollins and is out now in hardcover, digital and audio formats. 

ONCE UPON A DREAM: Quiet Ambition

 

"Ambition is not a vice of little people."

Michel de Montaigne

I have often been ridiculed for my ambition. When I worked at the vets my success as a writer was smirked at and quickly dismissed by some of my colleagues as no more than a pipedream, something that would never happen. I remember the day when they all gathered around a computer and one of them Googled my name. I distinctly recall the silent shock that followed when all my traditionally published books appeared on Amazon and Waterstones websites and it became clear to them that I was already a highly successful author! This was no pipe dream - this was my life's work - and it was staring them in the face in black and white. I drove the point home by repeating that the vets was simply a student job to me while I completed my Masters Degree and that I would return to working from home and writing books again as soon as I had the Master of Arts under my belt.  Their attitude seemed to be that I should be content to be a receptionist, that I was very lucky to be working there doing twelve to fourteen hour days for minimum wage. 

This attitude continued even after I left the vet hospital to write new books for my current publisher, with one of my former veterinary colleagues using Facebook to remind me that working at the vet hospital had been my bread and butter and that I should never forget that fact, the implication being that it should completely define who I am as a person. As if! I rolled my eyes and pointed out once again, that it had only ever been a student job, that my real job was in publishing and always had been. It just goes to show though that there will always be those crabs in a bucket who try to pull you down, no matter what you do. 

Ambition is often viewed as a dangerous thing, something to be nipped in the bud and discouraged at all costs. While ambition that over-reaches talent is a bit conceited, unless steps are being taken to improve that talent with training and education; and while it can certainly be very dangerous when top jobs are given to self-serving individuals whose personal ambition outweighs the greater good of all, say for instance a President or a Prime Minister; in general I believe that ambition is a very good thing and we should be encouraging it, especially in young people. We should also encourage ambition in older people too, helping them to grow and develop and reach their full potential, because what you were born to is not necessarily the same as what you are meant for.  Growth is a natural aspect of life and it should be nurtured. 

I have always been quietly ambitious. By this I mean that I tend to keep a lot to myself. This is partially because I am a Scorpio and Scorpios are naturally very private, some might even say secretive. I have a very rich internal life that no-one knows anything about. I know what I am hoping to achieve, I know who my network consists of, I know what I want to do with my time and the kind of legacy I want to leave behind. I just don't talk about it. I keep it to myself and I quietly take the gentle steps I need to take in order to give myself the best chance of achieving those goals.  While I have never been interested in the red carpet lifestyle and I am definitely not dazzled by wealth, I still have my own sense of quiet, gentle ambition. I am interested in a much softer form of success, one that better suits my personality as an introvert and a woman who is bookish and cobwebby! I just keep it to myself. 

As an example, when I was a student of psychotherapy, everyone made the assumption that I wanted to work in the field as a counsellor, but that was never my plan. My ambition was to qualify, specifically so that I could add another string to my writing bow in the form of psychology writing, and I have achieved that goal. I now write psychology books under my first name, Jacqueline Bruce. Goal achieved. I allowed people to keep their assumptions. I didn't correct anyone or tell them my real plans. I just stuck with five years of training, qualified and then set about writing and publishing psychology books. As a result, while most of my fellow students have since bemoaned the fact that there are no paid jobs for counsellors and they are expected to work for free, I have been generating an income from writing about psychotherapy and helping people via my books, and occasionally in private practice where I have more control over the type of clients I work with. 

This is how quiet ambition works. It isn't loud. It isn't brash and boastful. It just sets the goal and then moves in silence to achieve it. Often the first anyone hears of it is after the goal has already been achieved. Once its a done deal, it is up for discussion, but not before. I find that this is the best way to focus on something, because there are no external opinions and distractions to contend with. As I said earlier, some people will go out of their way to try and tear you down, so by keeping your plans to yourself, you give them no opportunity to do so. By the time they hear of your ambitions, it should already be a goal achieved. 

I have also been berated for my success. In the past I have been accused of making things look easy, be this equestrianism, ice-skating, publishing, academics etc and I would say that this is the only downside to quiet ambition. Because if you are not talking about your goals, then you are also keeping your struggles to yourself. No-one will see the labour and consistent effort you put in, they will only see the triumph, in the same way that people see the swan gliding effortlessly on the water and fail to recognise the hard work that is going on beneath the surface as the swan's feet work like pistons in a factory! Some people only want to see the glide, the beauty, the grace. Smart people look beneath the surface to see how much work is actually involved! 

If people are not smart enough to look closely, they can quickly find themselves out of their depth as they suddenly realise that actually, its not that easy. It's bloody hard work! Such people might also blame you for the difficulty they are having in trying to achieve the same goals or enjoy the same hobbies as you, but that's on them. They obviously have a lot of personal growth to do. However, this is something I have had to deal with time and time again. It has proved to be the end of friendships and acquaintances,  as people try to emulate my achievements, only to discover through personal experience just how hard I had to work to achieve them! Nothing has just come to me. I have worked hard for everything I do, be that horse-riding, ice-skating, publishing my books or succeeding academically at university and post-graduate level. I'm just a very determined and driven person. I don't give up easily and I feel the need to press ahead. Achievement makes me happy. 

I think the reason behind such chagrin is that people mistake the sting of competition for a genuine ambition. They might be inspired to try and achieve a similar goal to me, or even the exact same one, but if they allow themselves to start seeing me and my achievements as their personal competition, someone to beat, to outshine, to outsmart, then they are only doing themselves a disservice. They are taking inspiration and transforming it into a form of toxic competition between me and them. But it isn't a competition, and for the most part I have no idea that they are feeling this type of way about my achievements until they start bitching at me about it! Then it becomes clear that they are feeling competitive towards me, convincing themselves that I've had such an easy ride, while they are having to work so hard for the same goal. Its the world's smallest violin! Because I didn't have an easy ride. I just kept the moments of struggle to myself. I chose to share only the triumph of the victory. But that doesn't mean that I didn't work hard for it. I did. 

Competition can quickly become very toxic. It can eat you up inside, leading to jealousy and envy, possibly even sabotage and disagreements. It can end relationships and friendships. It can lead to family feuds and sibling squabbles. Ambition should be nurtured and encouraged, yes, but if you are feeling overly competitive towards someone you claim to care about, you need to nip that toxic competition in the bud before it destroy your relationship with that person. Telling yourself that everything came so easily to them is a clear indication that toxic competition is in play and you are now seeing them as a rival, rather than a friend. 

Personally, I only ever compete against myself. I want to do better than I have done before. I want to beat my own achievements, so I'm not really focussing on what anyone else might be doing. I'm too busy living my own life and achieving my own goals, by myself, for myself. No competition required. I am the only competition I need to think about. How can I be better, do better, achieve more than I have before? How can I keep growing, keep expanding, keep challenging myself, even in small and gentle ways?  Where is my ambition taking me and is that the direction I want my life to go? Is it time to let the fire-horse of ambition have a free head or do I need to rein it in a little? What do I want my next achievement to be, and the next, and the next? Where does my personal Victory lie and what must I do to fight for it and attain it? How can I schedule in some positive rest? What does the space between achievements look like for me? What will I do, how will I recover from the labour of a big goal achieved? How can I learnt to fly peacefully and serenely, soaring through the clouds like a dove?

This is quiet ambition in action. Move in silence. Keep things to yourself. Don't mistake the sting of competition for a genuine ambition. Schedule recovery time. Compete only against yourself and know where and what your personal victory point is. Most of all, remember than successful people in any field have worked very hard to achieve their success. If that triggers you, you need to do some personal growth work and self-reflection to discover why.  

People will not stop succeeding and growing just because it makes you feel uncomfortable or threatened in some way. 

And I certainly won't! 

I'll use your chagrin as fuel to achieve even more! Thanks for the motivation. 

Serene Blessings

Marie x

WRITER'S DREAM: My Manifestation Workbook Journal!

 

"You may have heard that you must fight for what you want, but what if you could write for what you want instead..?"

Throughout my career as an author I have wanted to write about the alchemical magic and transformation of having a writing practise, in particular a journaling practise.  Many years ago I noticed that the things I wrote about in my diary as if they were pipedreams, would later manifest into my reality. For instance, back in 2003 I wrote "I wish I could write and sing my own album of pagan songs and melodies! That would be so cool!"  Fast-forward to 2007 and I was asked by Paradise Music to write and create an album of pagan and witchy songs that could be used in ritual, leading on to my album Moon Chants being released on Samhain 2009.  I didn't do anything to bring about this opportunity, other than write about the possibility of composing and singing my own songs in my diary a few years earlier.  The point is, I wrote about it and it happened. 

The same thing occurred again when I wrote in 2005 "I'd love to be a witchy columnist in a magazine and write for them each month!"  Then in 2008 an editor contacted me with a suggestion that I become their new columnist and I spent the next eight years writing my Witching Hour column with the top esoteric magazine in the UK, Spirit&Destiny. Again, this opportunity came out of nowhere. I wrote about it in my diary and it just happened. That is the alchemy of a journal writing practise.

Over the years I have also wished for the chance to write about the benefits of writing, journaling and keeping a diary of thoughts, dreams, feelings and ambitions, so I couldn't be more thrilled that I am now creating new Journals for people to use in their own lives. My gratitude Journal, I Am Grateful, was published last year under my first name of Jacqueline Bruce and it explores the concept of gratitude as a tool of emotional regulation and mental well being. More recently, two more of my Journals have just been published too and I wanted to jump on my blog and tell you a bit more about them.

The Manifestation Workbook by Marie Bruce is, in my opinion, the prettiest one of the bunch so far! It was published at the start of January 2026 and I am very excited for its release into the wild.  The floral cover is just beautiful and represents the potential blooming and blossoming of your life as you work your way through the Journal.  It is a soft book, full of pretty pastel shades and dreamy floral watermark imagery that sits quietly in the background of the pages, ready for you to script out your dreams and help them to bloom. The artwork isn't intrusive, rather it is designed to enhance your own written contributions to each page, with beautiful borders and watercolour images inspired by nature.  

There are Power Insights, Journal Prompts that promote self-reflection and personal growth, inspirational quotations from both ancient philosophers and modern celebrities, as well as plenty of space for you to dream on the page and write your future into being. I also wanted there to be space for you to get creative, so there are pretty boxes where you can draw, paint, stick in lists, photos, postcards and tickets from trips that inspired you and so on.  In addition, there is a double page spread specifically designed so that you can create your own portable vision board that aligns with your personal ambitions, right within the heart of the book.

Personally, I always get a little annoyed when I buy a guided journal, only to realise that there is actually very little space for me to write in it, meaning that I have to run out and buy a separate note book to use with the journal. Psychologically, a cramped writing space also makes for a confined way of thinking, so I always want my Journals to have plenty of space for you to dream vastly upon the page! Life is huge, its a big world and your ambitions should be large enough to take up space. I want people to use my Journals to help them dream vastly and expansively. 

I am frequently asked how it is that I tend to get the things that I want and achieve all my goals. The Manifestation Workbook answers that question, because it is largely based on my own life and the things that have worked well for me. It is basically a blueprint of my own strategies for success and how I keep my mind on track so that I achieve my personal goals. It is a tool for making your dreams come to fruition and for daring to allow yourself to dream big. It is designed to nurture your personal ambition and the prompts have been very carefully worded in order to bring to the surface the deepest desires of your heart. 

Like everything I write these days, my numerous years of psychotherapy training is at the epicentre of all my Journals and each one contains tried and tested psychological tools for you to try out, be that the concept of Free Play, Time Structuring, Self-Reflection or something else.  In fact, the act of journaling is in itself, a form of Scripting, which is a series of written exercises, letters and prompts that we use in psychotherapy to help people assimilate their past, present and future selves. It is a powerful psychological technique and it is present to some degree in all of my Journals.  

I think this is important to stress, because we live in a world of Pseudo-Psychologists who populate social media and offer advice and techniques that they are not really qualified to give, so you do have to be careful. Rest assured that my own Journals are the result of five years of university training in Psychotherapy and Therapeutic Counselling, with the graduate degree to match and the subsequent experience in practice with clients, so I know what I'm talking about!

In light of this, my third Journal, which was also published recently, is one of self-reflection. The Me and Mine Journal by Jacqueline Bruce is specifically designed to help you get to know yourself on a much deeper level. It is also meant to deepen your relationships with family and friends, as well as showing you how to navigate your way through a world that can often seem too loud, when all you want is peace. This is a Journal of self-discovery, asking you to consider exactly what your needs are, and if they are currently being met to the high standard that you deserve? The Me and Mine Journal will help you to rediscover Yourself and Your Inner Child, as well as key areas of your life such as Seasonal Changes, Relationships,  Ambitions and Hobbies, Emotional Intelligence and so on.  Again, there is plenty of space within the Journal for you to respond to the psychotherapy based prompts, and the unintrusive art work is soft pen and ink drawings of leaves, flowers and aspects of nature. 

These Journals are meant to be a collaboration between me and you and the universe. They are a place of co-creation, where you play a vital role in the completion of these books. In all of my Guided Journals, my authorial voice is much softer, more of a gentle whisper in the background, urging you to fill out the pages yourself.  That, I feel, is how a Guided Journal works best.  These are the books where I, the author, step back, while you, the reader, become the main author of the work - and indeed, of your life. Because in these books, it is your contribution that forms the most important word count! You will get out of them as much as you choose to put in. 

My hope is that you will come to love these Journals that I have created and that you will come to see them as close bookish friends and companions through life. All my Journals are timeless, so they are not attuned to a specific year or seasonal cycle, meaning that you can pick them up and dive right in whenever and wherever you happen to discover them. 

Much like my blog, they are a soft, safe space for you to turn to when life gets a little fraught and hectic and you need a gentle reminder that it is okay to slow down, to take a  moment, to reflect and observe, and most of all, to enjoy all the days of your life. I hope that you will embrace these Guided Journals, hold them close to your heart and treasure them as the precious tools of insight and transformation they were designed to become, and that you will make a sacred ritual out of your journaling practise. Happy Journal writing!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: This post promotes my own work as detailed below:

The Manifestation Workbook by Marie Bruce was published on 1st January 2026 and is available now.

The Me and Mine Journal by Jacqueline Bruce was published on 30th September 2025 and is available now. 

The I Am Grateful Journal by Jacqueline Bruce was published on 1st October 2025 and is available now. 

ONCE UPON A DREAM: Winter Hibernation

"...you must learn not to have those around you drink your energy. I have learnt the hard way. As a child I used to give away light like it was nothing. Those without it would fill themselves up with all that good energy like I was an eternal font. The purest light attracts the most impenetrable darkness."

from Hex by Jenni Fagin

We finally have a bit of sparkly winter weather, with our first proper snowfall of this winter making everything gleam! This is Mother Nature's reminder that the winter season is meant to be a time to bunker down, rest and dream of a brighter tomorrow. Hibernation is the key word at this time of the year, but I must be honest and confess that I have been in hibernation mode since early 2025!

Over the last couple of years I have reassessed my life and I have noticed a pattern. Like lots of empathic and compassionate people, I tend to give away too much of my light. I am very quick to step forward and help someone, to take on the responsibility for their safety and wellbeing. While this isn't a bad thing, and lord knows the world needs more kindness, too much of it can be detrimental to our own health and wellbeing. When it becomes a habit, as it had with me, it can lead to lots of one sided relationships that do not serve you, but only serve to drain you, leaving you exhausted.

Relationships should be reciprocal, meaning that you should get as much from them emotionally as you are giving. If that reciprocation isn't there, then that isn't a relationship - its a master/servant dynamic, one where you serve a purpose in someone's life and they are happy to keep you around for as long as you are prepared to serve, but you get nothing in return. You give, they take - but it never works the other way around. It's not a fair dynamic  - and it certainly isn't love! Or even friendship.  If anything, it demonstrates a complete absence of love and respect on their part. They have a use for you and that is all. 

2024 completely altered my perspective on life. It was a great highlighter year, showing me where all my energy had been going - into the black hole of false attachments and sporadic acquaintance, with absolutely no return on my investment! People would phone me when they felt down, heartbroken or they were having a bad time. Men would flirt with me when they were going through a rough patch with their wives or girlfriends and their ego needed a boost. Their attitude seemed to be "Ring Marie. She'll make you feel better." And I did. I was happy to, but when I was the one who needed a bit of cheering up after the riding accident, I didn't see any of them for dust! They were all far too busy, too far away, too out of touch, deliberately unreachable. In fact, I received more affection and support from my editor and publishing house than I got from those who claimed to love and care for me! At first I made excuses for them, like you do. But slowly, in the midst of their absence and silence, I came to the conclusion that I needed to start withdrawing my energy, to take back all my love and light and keep it to myself. 

As 2025 rolled in, I thought things were actually changing and I handed round second chances like a bag of sweets. Suddenly the phone was ringing most days, group chats were a thing I never signed up for but found myself in the middle of anyway, jokes were shared, promises exchanged, plans made (which turned out to be no more than pipedreams and future faking), male admiration quickly turned into resentment and intimidation at my academic achievements, and longed for reconnections at first made my heart soar - and then shatter into a million pieces. There are some heartbreaks you just can't ignore or make excuses for, particularly when you see that such cruelty was a deliberate act, and done with considerable force.  My PTSD was being triggered left, right and centre by the endless tiffs their male egos demanded, all so that they could compare notes and turn me into a discussion point of male bonding. I was exhausted and shattered by it all. And I'd had enough. 

So early on in 2025 I decided to withdraw my energies, to pull back my love and light and to begin to conserve it as the vital resource it is. I demanded space. I am not a never ending flow of love and support.  My well of light was vastly diminished and what was left of it, I needed to use for my own continued healing journey, rather than handing it over to someone else. I was still recovering from the trauma of the hospital and the accident, but as women often do, I had put my own needs to one side in favour of helping others.  In short, I had a bad case of compassion fatigue and emotional burnout.  I have been in emotional recovery from it ever since. 

Compassion fatigue basically means that you have been giving too much to others for far too long. You feel that you have nothing left to give anymore. You have no energy for your own life, because you have spent too much of it enhancing the lives of other people, being on call whenever they want you etc. It's like the steady drip of water from a pipe - if you ignore it it will turn into a flood, so you must find the leak and fix it to prevent further damage. That is what I set about doing for myself and my energy in 2025. I examined my life to see where the drip of energy was leaking out and this is what I discovered: 

 

• A sporadic acquaintance is not the same as a friend, so they don't yet deserve the perks of friendship.
• If someone leaves for a number of years, for work or education, they effectively become strangers, and again, they don't deserve the perks of friendship.
• Never write anything without a contract in place that has been signed by both parties. 
• Never sing anything without a contract in place that has been signed by both parties.
• The police do a difficult job, but it's not my job to help them with it.  
• A charm offensive is very convincing, but the signs are always there, if you look. So look.
• Never ignore the red flags. Highlight them, then leave. 
• Social media is designed to sap your life of all meaning and to rot your brain. Don't allow it. 
• Just because I am a qualified counsellor doesn't mean that I am obliged to help anyone and everyone who is going through a rough patch. 
• Healing hurts. It takes time. Physical healing is faster than mental and emotional healing, but all three need to happen before you are fully healed.  Allow this space. 
• Accidents, injury and healing changes you and your perspective on life. 
• The people who are at your hospital bed are the ones you can rely on.
• Yo-yo men are a waste of energy - just cut the string! Be done with it. 
• Men who are intimidated by a woman's achievements and academic success have some serious growth to do. Don't let it stop you from succeeding anyway. 
• Never feed the male ego by responding to the ridiculous tiffs they instigate. This is simply rage-baiting IRL. I learnt that through experience. You don't have to. 
• Understand the difference between a gift and a bribe. A gift is given freely, no expectations, no cover-up, no strings attached. I don't respond to bribery.  Even if its called compensation. 
• Scam callers aren't just irritating, they drain your energy. 
• People pleasing is damaging to your wellbeing.
• My talent is strong and authentic, people will want to purchase it, but I am not for sale. Only the work is up for grabs.
• A meeting of the minds is not the same as a meeting of the hearts. Love matters. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

This kind of life edit is a form of self-care. Once I had identified these leaks of energy, I set about fixing them. Most were simple enough - I just distanced myself mentally and emotionally from the drains, or I blocked them completely. 

I focused on my work, writing new books and psychology decks for publication in 2026. 

I signed up for a new academic course. 

I stopped answering my phone, unless it was my mother. 

I did a lot of journaling.

I scrapped my old car and the endless new batteries it was constantly draining. 

I stopped my hobbies and just stayed home more.

I slept and rested more. I allowed myself the time to heal that my body and mind needed.

I refused the bribery of compensation payments. 

I told the police to do a better job, that I wouldn't do it for them. 

I booked a holiday to the Highlands for this year. 

I took Christmas and New Year off work for the first time in ten years.

I invested in an answer phone.

Detachment = peace = Victory Ever After.

Most importantly, I began to put myself first. I had always been in the habit of asking people What do you need, what can I do to help? The people pleasing had gone into overdrive, so I turned it around and instead I began to ask What do I need, what can I do to feel better right now? The PTSD screamed back Build the barricades! Pile the books high! I replied with How about we just do a bit of nesting, to make the fortress as comfy and cosy and pretty as possible? How about we read the books and enjoy them, and perhaps re-organise the library next year? So that's exactly what I did and two of the most beneficial things I did for myself in 2025 was to give my bedroom a beautiful pink makeover, and invest in an answering phone. It is quite surprising how much this has calmed and soothed my spirits. My room is a restful retreat once more, but its also light and bright and ethereal. And it shimmers! 

The answer phone gives me peace of mind because scammers don't leave messages, they just stop calling! Screening all my calls also means that I am not interrupted when I'm writing, or reading new books for review.  And men can't instigate their ego driven, rage-baiting tiffs with a machine! I honestly wish I'd got an answer phone much sooner. I had one years ago and I had forgotten the additional layer of personal protection it offers. It creates a soft barrier between you and the outside world. Those who know me will leave a message, those who don't or who are ringing for nefarious reasons will simply hang up. Either way, my peace is protected. My soft space remains just that - soft, quiet and peaceful. It was the best purchase of 2025!

I spent much of the last twelve months withdrawing my energy in this way, being more selective in who I communicate with and how, thinking about where my energy goes and how this makes me feel in the long term. I've attempted to delete from my life anything that drains me and so far it's going well. This is the first winter in more than a decade that I haven't had to be anywhere - no job to go out to, no external hobbies such as skating or music school, no night classes, no ice to smash on field troughs or horses to exercise in the depths of winter, no books to write over Christmas and New Year weeks.  I spent Boxing Day watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy and New Years Day watching The Hobbit trilogy. It was the best fun! Its something I've been wanting to do for years, but never had the time.  I was always too busy working, studying, writing. This is the first winter in more than ten years where I can truly hibernate and enjoy the season for what it is meant to be - a time of rest and recuperation. A time to nourish my roots and recover from the past few year's activity and all the harsh lessons learnt. 

I haven't interacted with a man or a sporadic acquaintance in months - unless the postman counts! - and suddenly I feel so much calmer and happier than I have in years! It's been bliss. I wish I'd identified all their games much sooner, but better late than never. My world is quiet and feminine, dreamy and ethereal once more. Withdrawing my energy, keeping my love and light to myself, for myself, is certainly working. I feel calm, soft, safe and centred, sure in the knowledge that should the need arise once more, I have the capability to defend and protect myself, but that I need not be in fighting mode all the time. Even a warrior princess needs some time off! Even a Bruce is entitled to rest after the battle is won. 

I feel grounded in the best way. I've taken charge of my time and my attention, instead of letting it be syphoned off by people who do not have my best interests at heart, who only have a use for me, a purpose for me to fill in their lives, or a egotistical game to play.  Now I spend my days quietly at home, writing my books, reading books for review, watching films and boxsets, taking Lush baths, enjoying my quieter indoor hobbies such as tapestry and art therapy, listening to sassy female musicians like Sabrina Carpenter and Rose who were the sound of my summer last year. Taylor's Life of Showgirl has been playing on repeat since my birthday. And I am the most relaxed I've been in years! 

Men are the biggest conundrum to me - brave yet brutal, courageous yet conniving, false and faithless, sweet yet selfish, controlling disguised as protective, apparently supportive yet secretly resentful, afraid to make a move yet angry because we don't just jump naked into their arms! They want the chase, the challenge, but then they berate us for not making it easier for them, for expecting them to actually step up in a real way before we return their interest, for wanting them to show and tell that our devotion is returned, that they are not just a sponge absorbing all our adoration as if they are entitled to it and giving nothing back. Their beauty is only skin deep and their cruelty knows no bounds, but at least they are providing female musicians with a plethora of material to sing about!  Personally, they are a puzzle I have decided I really can't be bothered to solve.  

From now on I will be putting myself first in all things, in all respects. And I shall certainly continue my peaceful hibernation mode well into 2026. It's working like a charm and I couldn't be happier in my quiet little nest! 

How have you been spending your energy? Where has your love and light been going, and is there any return on your investment. If not, this might be the winter you need to withdraw too. 

Hibernation mode ON.

Serene Blessings,

Marie x

BOOK NOOK: Spectacular by Stephanie Garber

"It was just what she feared.

Tella could feel her heart sinking as she stood there on the snowy sidewalk. She tried not to let it show. She didn't want him to go out now and get her a gift out of pity or fear. 

She wanted one given out of love."

A gentle hush seems to drop over the world during these last few days of Christmas, before everything returns to normal on January 6th. I always like this much quieter phase of the festive period. Yesterday I went out to the theatre to see a production of A Christmas Carol and it was a wonderful play, with lots of singing and ghostly shenanigans. I haven't been to see a play for a couple of years, so it was a lovely way to end the festivities. 

Today I felt the need to be much quieter and self-contained, so I curled up by the fire to read a Christmassy book. I chose Spectacular by Stephanie Garber and I have been engrossed in it for much of the evening. It is set in the same world as her Caraval series, which I haven't read yet but it is on my tbr list. However, you don't need to have read the original series to read Spectacular, as it is a novella that stands alone. 

It is a wonderful book of magic and mystery and illusion, where nothing is quite as it seems. Tella is an adventurous young woman who is on the hunt for the perfect gift for her boyfriend. She needs something that will make him sit up and take notice of her, something that will urge him to declare his feelings for her, because she is doubtful that he actually loves her. She is hoping that her gift will prompt him to make a grand romantic gesture, so that she doesn't need to question his feelings for her anymore. In short, she is in need of some romantic reassurance from her beaux and she is using the festive season as a way to try and get her needs met!

Her hunt for the perfect gift is cut short however, when she stumbles across a boy selling colourful candy that smells just a little too tempting - and so Tella's adventure begins. She is swept away to another place, full of strangers and intrigue, toys that are alive, chimney smoke that smells like cinnamon and Nutcrackers that steal your dreams. 

This little book is full of festive magic, enchanted snowflakes, sinister blindfolds and a captivatingly seductive magician at its heart. As Tella is drawn into this new world, she discovers that temptation can be a fun game to play, but wonders just how far is she willing to go to discover the truth about the conjurer who is playing with her mind?  Are some illusions worth staying in the midst of, when reality is falling far short of romantic expectations? Is fantasy better than reality? Sometimes it is, for reality has a nasty habit of shattering our illusions and breaking our hearts. 

Perhaps the best romances are the ones where both fantasy and reality merge together into one epic relationship, one truly compelling lover. Tella does her best to find her way back to her true love, but she is captivated by the fantasy that holds her in its grip and helplessly drawn to the sexy illusionist who is spinning sugar and spice and all things nice to tempt her.  It's a mesmerising world and it kept me gripped until the final page. 

The book is beautifully illustrated throughout, with a red ribbon bookmark and a gold gingerbread house embossed on the front of the hard cover.  It is a very pretty book, both inside and out. I enjoyed it immensely and I have never read a festive story quite like this one. I have a few of Stephanie Garber's novels on my bookshelves so I think I will dive into more of her work in the coming days. 

Spectacular has provided me with a lovely escape into a sexy world of whimsical magic, enchantment and illusion this evening. It's only short, being a novella, so you can read it in an afternoon or an evening. This brevity makes it the perfect Christmassy book to finish off the festive period, before the return to work commences next week. 

Happy reading!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: This book was sent to me by the publisher, Hodder and Stoughton, for the purposes of review. It is out now in all formats.