"Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I rise."
Maya Angelou
Living with any kind of post traumatic stress is always going to be an uphill, possibly lifelong battle and because PTSD is an invisible illness, most people you encounter won't even be aware of your struggles. They won't know, for instance, that aggression is a part of the condition, that amnesia is a daily occurrence, that random temper tantrums and sudden outbursts, seemingly for no reason, are one of the symptoms, or that being triggered so easily is both embarrassing and often frightening for you, even more than it is for them. They will just label you as a stroppy cow, someone they can't be bothered with and they will give up and walk away. They may not be aware that PTSD is cumulative, meaning that it never truly goes away - it simply explodes to the surface of your personality with the next traumatic event or stressful period in your life.
Last year was particularly challenging for me in terms of physical healing after the riding accident, but the first half of this year was even more difficult. Back in January the flashbacks of the accident and the hospital began in earnest. They continued throughout the spring and into early summer, as my mind forced me to recall all the grisly details of the fall and what happened at the hospital. I relived those events in flashbacks every single day for over six months and it seemed as if the accident had set me right back to square one in terms of living with traumatic stress. It didn't help that I also had a couple of books to write, plus the final piece of work I was doing for my course at Oxford University. A stressful timetable opens the door for PTSD to come right on in.
Obviously, this had an impact on my mood and its fair to say that my fuse was quite short for a while! After all, I am the rose and the thistle combined. I am soft and prickly all at once. I remember snapping at people, snarling when I felt they were getting too close for comfort, because the fact is PTSD makes you hyper-sensitive to even the slightest touch or good humoured jest. It all feels very much like a threat.
Being constantly reactive to such perceived threats is exhausting. I slept a lot. I cried buckets of tears. I felt confused, hopeless and completely abandoned. I was probably extremely difficult to be around back then and it does take a very strong individual to stick with you when you're going through the endless cycles of flashbacks and tantrums! Most people give up, move on and leave you to it. I don't blame them. I often wish I could give up and move on from myself, but I can't. I just have to try and live with it all as best I can.
What I find most disorienting is that the PTSD symptoms are the complete opposite of my natural personality. While I will always have the feistiness of a Bruce, I am not an aggressive person by nature. My true personality is loving and kind, soft and gentle, quiet and introspective, dreamy and creative. That's not who people see though. All they see is a woman who flies off the handle without warning. I'm like Taylor Swift's Mad Woman, but as the song suggests, it is life that makes me this way sometimes - it is not who I am at my core.
Those who know me, know that I'm just a soft girl at heart, so when the PTSD symptoms rear their ugly head, there is an invisible, internal war going on inside me as the PTSD and the Soft Girl battle it out for supremacy! It's not fun. Not for me or for anyone involved. Often, I don't know that the trauma is in charge of a conversation until later, after I've calmed down again. Then I will think to myself "Oh, I was speaking from my wounds just then," or "Oh yes, I was projecting my trauma onto that person. I wish I'd not done that." or "Oh, I pushed them away because I was scared to trust and get close. Now they must hate me". The problem is that by the time I realise this, the person I was talking to has usually gone off in a strop of their own and so things never really get resolved.
Over the years of living with traumatic stress I have learnt to ask for time and space when I need it. I do this knowing full well that some people will never have what it takes to come back into my life and that's okay. It is my trauma, not theirs and they should not have to deal with it if they don't want to. As a soft woman, I understand this, but it does not make me feel any less abandoned.
Most folk run for the hills at the first opportunity, never to be seen again. Yes, I can be that scary when triggered! I can be a complete monster, say hateful things, lash out - anything to remove the perceived threat from my life so that I can try to feel safe again. There is safety in solitude after all. If there's no-one around there's no-one to hurt you. Yet, all I really need is a soft voice to soothe me and a gentle, understanding approach, but we don't live in an understanding world. It can be a very harsh world, and that in itself can be another trigger.
Of course, I don't expect anyone else to fix me. I don't need fixing. I am not broken. I'm strong and determined, ambitious and achieving, loyal and loving - I'm just a bit hypervigilant and perhaps too ready to do battle, too much of a feisty Scottish thistle and not enough of the softer English rose maybe. Sometimes I just need a bit of space from others so that I can work through the latest round of flashbacks and trauma at my own pace, without feeling threatened by the presence of another person, without trying to figure out what they need from me or who they expect me to be for them.
Time and space, patience and understanding - these are what bring me down from the ledge. These are the things that defeat the PTSD and bring out my softer side. It's a bit like playing hide and seek. When the trauma is large and in charge, I need to hide myself away until I have it back under control. Then, once my softer side is in control once more, I feel like I am peeking out at the world and calling "Come out, come out wherever you are!" Some will answer, most will not, but that depends on whether they are strong enough to handle me or not! The ones who answer, those who have been quietly waiting in my corner all along - those are friends for keeps, the ride or die type. Those are the ones I will learn to trust and want in my life. As for the rest - I understand and I let them go with love. That's really all you can do.
There are other things that help to pull me out of a traumatised funk too. Spending time in nature or with happy, healthy animals is so good for me. The love and affection of animals never feels threatening and they are a very therapeutic presence, so I like to go and visit the llamas, ponies and goats at the local stately home, feeding them and enjoying the innocence of their energy. Animals always bring out my softer side.
Unexpected moments of joy also help to dispel the belief that the world is full of people to fear and distrust. For instance, just recently my editor sent me a beautiful framed print of The Empress tarot card in Art Nouveau style, along with a lovely handwritten letter. It arrived through the letterbox one Saturday morning and I was both surprised and delighted by it. It was such a kind thought and it is always nice to receive a good old fashioned letter in the post. It cheered me up no end.
Music also helps and films too. This summer I have been to see Brad Pitt's F1 film three times! It's so good and it is nice to hide in the darkness of the cinema, allowing a story to unfold in front of you. No effort, no stress - just the comfort of ice-cream and a familiar face on the big screen, making me smile. Of course, my writing is a great comfort to me at all times in my life, whatever my mood. Right now I am working on my next card deck and the deadline is at the end of this month, so it is a pretty busy August. It helps to keep my mind happy and gives me a positive focus. When I am writing I am in another world, so my softer side comes to the fore because I am in one of my happy places. It is safe to say that right now and for the time being, my Soft Girl has won the battle and she is firmly back in control!
Perhaps the most important weapons in the war between PTSD and the Soft Girl are self-compassion and self-love. When the trauma induced tantrums and outbursts have scared everyone away, you have to learn to love and be there for yourself, because most people simply do not have the courage to be around you. They'd rather poke the bear and call you a mad woman. They are not strong enough to offer you the gentle, loving support you need, you have to do that for yourself.
Of course, there is a certain resilient strength in that softness. There may be a world full of scary people out there, but so long as you keep the hidden, broken pieces of your heart soft, loving and kind, healing is always possible. Bones mend, cuts heal, bruises fade - and so does trauma, eventually. Until then be kind to yourself and try to be soft with others. It isn't easy to come back into softness when you're triggered, it isn't easy to speak from your heart instead of from your wounds, but your softer side is the strongest part of you. One day you will find the person who courageously waits out the PTSD tantrum and then coaxes your Soft Girl out to play instead, offering safety, peace and fun in place of trauma and stress. And that's a friend for life!
Serene Blessings
Marie x
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