from Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
There are many double standards in society, most of which tend to put women at a disadvantage in comparison to men. One that really grinds my gears however, is that of berating women who provide for themselves. Its something I noticed several years ago and it happens time and time again. While we are thankfully a long way from the time when women were expected to marry so that they had a man to provide all their basic needs, as a collective society we still haven't evolved much since then. Interestingly, it tends to be other women who are the worst offenders here, with men being more likely to applaud a woman who is self-reliant, than her female counterparts are.
For instance, why is it okay for a woman to make out her Wedding-Gift list, thereby expecting everyone else to provide her with the exact tea-set, microwave and so on that she wants, but its not okay for a single woman to provide herself with a beautiful tea-set or whatever? Why does the bride-to-be consider herself entitled to demand an expensive dinner service, henceforth to be lovingly referred to as her 'wedding china', but a single woman is frowned upon for providing herself with her own beautiful china? Why is that? Surely we should be beyond such judgments.
Yet single women who provide for themselves are often viewed as spendthrifts, shopaholics or hoarders, while women who are provided for by their husbands (or their wedding guests) are showered with praise for their good taste! Its such a strange double standard and one that is frequently imposed on women by other women - usually the ones who have spent a lifetime being provided for or those who are struggling to provide themselves and their kids with the basics. We see evidence of this on social media all the time, when influencers are shouted down and trolled because they have dared to show something they have worked for. Is it envy, female relational aggression, insecurity on their part or something else? I'm not sure where it comes from, but it has been directed at me many, many times.
As a single woman I pay all my own bills and provide everything I need for myself with the income I make working as a writer. Even when I spent over eight years studying at university, I also worked long hours in an emergency vet hospital to provide for myself throughout my studies. I work just as hard as anyone else. The things I own are things that I have earned and worked for. Nothing has been handed to me on a plate - not even my V&A Alice in Wonderland plates! I'm just a woman who works hard, who likes pretty things and who has built up a beautiful collection over the years - as many married couples do, I would hasten to add!
I have often advocated for buying pretty things over plain ones because surrounding yourself with beauty is a well-known aspect of overall happiness. So why is it deemed acceptable for a married woman to proudly display and use her wedding china (which she didn't pay for and didn't actually earn!) but unacceptable for a single woman to also display the china that she worked hard to buy for herself? Why is the married woman entitled to such pretty things, but the independent woman isn't? What are we supposed to do, eat off paper plates?! Would that make everyone feel better? Maybe, but it isn't going to happen - not in this house!
Women who have collected a lot of lovely things are often labelled in negative ways by society. We are over-consuming the worlds resources, we are spendthrifts who don't understand the true value of money, we have more money than sense, we must be in a lot of personal debt and so on. Or, we must have come by our belongings through ill-gotten gains, via unexplained wealth, or due to some sort of underhand behaviour. In short, we are meant to be the problem. But purchasing isn't pilfering and buying crockery isn't a criminal offense. Its just life. People will always need plates!
I am always going to be fond of a nice tea-set and that hasn't changed since I was a girl. Now that I am an adult I can afford to indulge this little quirk and buy my own tea-sets, so that's exactly what I do. I have a large dresser, which is filled with items that mean as much to me as any married woman's wedding china means to her.
I have a mug-tree full of Disney Princess tea-cups. I have the V&A Alice in Wonderland tea-set, which is my pride and joy, I have the pink floral Bronte dinner set, plus a few pieces from Emma Bridgewater's autumn and winter collections and the quirky Yvonne Ellen Boozy tea-set, pictured above, which always makes me smile. I have a tea-pot in the shape of a white rabbit and another in the shape of an owl. When the internal lights of the dresser are on in the evenings, these tea-sets glow with colour, shimmering glaze and brilliant gold leaf.
It makes my heart happy to see it each morning, to throw open the dresser doors and pick out a tea-set to use that day. I'm proud to know that I have been able to provide these things for myself, with money I made from my writing and from working hard throughout my life. I am proud of my ability to self-provide, from the basics to the pretty extras that turn day to day life into a lovely treat.
Another woman might prefer to collect shoes, or handbags or something else, but whatever she provides for herself, she is entitled to it. We should all be providing for our own needs and wants, even married women - especially married women! Its such a thrill to know that you have bought something wonderful with your own hard-earned cash, no man required. And if its not his money you're spending, but your own, then he has nothing to say about it does he? So long as you are not getting into debt for it, you can purchase whatever you want with your own money.
So if someone tries to belittle you for your own hard-earned purchases, whatever that might be for you: if they spitefully suggest that you must be doing something illegal or underhand to be able to afford it, remember that this usually comes from a place of envy and very deep insecurity on their part. Perhaps they feel that they will never be able to rise above the struggle of meeting basic needs, or maybe your success shines a light on their failure. Whatever it may be, bear in mind that it is their issue, not yours. You don't need to feel guilty for having nice things, just because someone else's insecurity has been triggered by it. Take joy in your possessions - you've worked for them, you earned them and you absolutely are entitled to them. No-one else deserves them any more than you do, whatever they might try to suggest to the contrary.
As for me, I'm just going to bask in the warm glow of a well-stocked dresser, knowing that it is entirely self-provided. I might even host a tea-party this weekend, for as the Mad Hatter said, it's always tea-time!
BB Marie x
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