Writer's Dream; Nessie Away!

 I wrote this piece as part of my MA in Creative Writing last year.  It was a brief classroom exercise wherein we had to write a sketch of magical realism. As usual, I looked to Scotland for inspiration and an image flashed through my mind of Nessie, swimming up the river Thames and why that might occur...this is the result. Enjoy!

MA Loch Ness Sketch

by Marie Bruce

“The giant serpent, or monster as some people call it, was first sighted this morning heading up the River Thames.  At first eyewitnesses thought it was a submarine, when they saw the long neck breaking the water like a periscope, until the famous humps followed to the surface.  It is thought that the monster is making its way towards the Houses of Parliament, which have been evacuated as a precaution.  The Prime Minister has retreated to Chequers, said to be suffering from shock at this latest threat, just months after the Covid virus has been defeated.  Robert MacFuelee has been studying the monster for some years.  Robert, should Londoners be afraid right now and what precautions should they be taking?”

            “Aye there isna any need tae be afeared of Nessie, lassie.  Just leave a wee dram of whiskey by the waters edge on a Friday and Saturday night and that’ll keep her so happy, she’ll bless ye with good luck and long life.  We’ve been doing it fer decades in Inverness and she hasn’t been a bother at all.  She has a particular fondness for Talisker from the Isle of Skye, and Tomatin too as its made near her home town of Inverness.”

            “Mmm interesting. Robert why do you think that the Loch Ness Monster has ventured this far south and what does she want with the Houses of Parliament?”

            “The Scots have always been explorers and adventurers.  Our Nessie isna any different. She probably just fancied a change.  She is a shy creature, but she’s also used to a lot of tourists up on Loch Ness. Obviously we havna had the tourists coming due to the pandemic, so I think she’s probably just a wee bit lonely and felt like a holiday of her own.”

            “And why do you think she chose the River Thames specifically? Why not the River Don or the River Severn, for example?”

            “She’s used to space and the Thames has that.  She’s also used to people being around and London has that too. She might be shy, but she likes to feel the activity around her.  Just because the tourists dinna see Nessie, that doesna mean that Nessie doesna see the tourists! She knows all that goes on.”

            “And why do you think she is making for the Houses of Parliament?”

            “I think that’s a deliberate strategy on her part.  She wants to stir up the Parliamentarians, give them a wee fright to keep them on their toes.  Let’s not forget that Nessie is a Nationalist.  Who know’s – she might even be here on Nicola Sturgeon’s orders!  Just be glad she hasna got a keg of gunpower strapped to her back, ye know?!”

            “Robert Macfuelee – thank you.  Well, as the monster continues her progress up the River Thames, the Metropolitan Marine Police Force are urging people to stay away from the river and are advising caution.  The current police advice is Do Not Approach The Monster! – I repeat, Do Not Approach The Monster!.  This is Angelica Winterbottom, on the banks of the River Thames, for BBC News.”

    As the journalist finishes her report, a long necked head appears over her shoulder, as Nessie bares a toothy grin for the camera, in the ultimate photobomb opportunity.