If you are a fan of classic literature you will probably be aware that there is usually a moral lesson hidden within these novels. The most common of these lessons is that of inappropriate love and the fallen woman. Please note, there is no such thing as a fallen man. No, these tales are all about what happens to a woman when she dares to follow her own desires. The men, as always, get off Scot free.
I have been reading the classics since my early teens and I have always been ruled by my head, rather than by my heart. I can talk myself out of a romantic interlude in seconds with a quickly calculated risk assessment and the question "What is this going to cost me in the long term?" Recently I have been wondering how much of this self-discipline is a direct result of the reading I engaged in at such an impressionable age. Have I been conditioned by Victorian standards of female behaviour? Possibly.
But the simple fact is, that society hasn't really changed that much since then. Even today, should two people fall equally, but inappropriately in love(say one is married, or the boss, or a public figure etc) it is usually the woman who pays the price for that liaison; it is her life that is ruined, her character that is assassinated, she who is cancelled - while her equally-to-blame male counterpart is rewarded with greater prestige, promotions, accolades etc. In short, her life is left in tatters she has to rebuild, while his life continues on an upwards trajectory, just as it was before he knew her.
In Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, Anna falls madly in love with Count Vronsky, despite the fact that she is already a married woman. She is a lady of high society, with a husband of great authority and influence. She has position, respect, wealth and security. Yet she risks it all for Vronsky, and once dazzled by his military uniform, she follows her heart into a passionate affair with him. Of course her husband finds out and divorces her, but even then Anna remains hopeful that all will be well and she embarks on a new life with Vronsky. But all is not well, for Vronsky is a Count who must marry and produce an heir, yet he cannot marry Anna as her divorce stipulates that she cannot remarry at all.
This is the beginning of Anna's punishment, for a gentle-woman without a husband has no means of support. She is cast out of all good society, while Vronsky continues to attend balls, to dance and flirt with other woman, while leaving Anna behind. She realizes that he will marry someone else one day and falls into a deep despair. She has lost everything for him - her wealth, security, position, respect, friends and social standing, yet her options are limited. She cannot earn her own living, as the only respectable job back then was that of governess, and what mother would hire such a woman to teach her young daughters? She doesn't want to play second fiddle to Vronsky's future wife, as that would make her Vronsky's glorified lorette. Her final option is outright prostitution, becoming every man's whore, rather than just one man's whore and Vronsky's bit on the side. In such a situation, throwing herself under a train probably seemed like the most sensible thing to do!
Anna Karenina is a cautionary tale of what happens to a woman when she is led by her heart and breaks all the rules - she will lose everything, fall into madness, poverty and despair, and eventually commit suicide. Meanwhile, Vronsky (an equal participant in the affair, remember) , will work his way up through the military ranks, marry a virgin bride and secure the inheritance of his estate and title. Both parties had the same affair, but the woman is punished, while the man is promoted.
Now let's look at a character who is ruled by her head. In Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre, Jane falls just as madly in love with Mr. Rochester as Anna did with Vronsky, and at first all seems well for the couple as they make their way to the church to get married. Then it transpires that Rochester has a wife already, a mad woman locked away in the attic, and that he was attempting to marry Jane bigamously. He begs for her understanding and pleads with her to run away with him, promising a new life on the Continent.
Distraught and betrayed, Jane refuses and leaves him. She has no money, little food, nowhere to go and no plans, but she uses her head and takes herself out of temptation's way. She will not become his mistress. Eventually, she makes new friends and a new life for herself, and while she is still heartbroken, she finds contentment in what she has. She refuses a proposal of marriage from St John, which would give her lasting security, because she isn't in love with him and has no calling to be a missionary's wife. She holds true to her own conscience, allowing her head and common sense to lead the way, trusting that one day her heart will forgive her and will begin to heal.
And for being steadfast to the right path, Jane is rewarded with an unexpected windfall that makes her a wealthy woman, and with a spiritual awareness that Mr. Rochester is in need. She goes to him and finds that his wife has died in a fire, and that Rochester himself was injured and blinded as he tried to rescue her. However, this doesn't really make him a fallen man, because he still gets what he wants - Jane. Ultimately Jane is rewarded with her happy ending and she becomes Mr Rochester's second wife. It is no accident that Jane only received her heart's desire after she had resisted temptation to do the wrong thing, proving that she has a strong moral compass. One wonders how much of this is based on Charlotte Bronte's own experience of falling in love with a married man? Did she write Jane the ending she wished she could have had? Maybe.
It is also no accident that Jane Eyre was the first grown-up classic I read, at the age of 13, and now I too, am ruled entirely by my head. While I don't ordinarily like moral characters (Tiny Tim gets on my nerves, and even Beth March annoys me sometimes as she walks willingly towards death with a smile on her face! As if. Even in real life, virtue-signalers irritate me - don't get me started on Captain Tom - the zimmer-frame that launched a thousand virtue-signalers! Eyes roll) I like Jane because she demonstrates how hard it can be to do the right thing. She doesn't go through life with a smile on her face no matter what, as many moral characters do. She has a temper and her temper becomes a virtue when it saves her from being deceived and used by Rochester. She is a feisty moral character, rather than an insipid one, and that's why I like her.
So what can such cautionary tales teach us? Well, the heart will always do its own thing. You can't stop it. It will love wherever, and whomever, it chooses, but you don't have to follow it everywhere it goes! These days it is even more difficult to escape from an error of judgment in your past, with social media throwing up your ex whenever you log on. If your inappropriate liaison was also a public figure, he might surprise you from your own TV every now and then, jolting the pieces of your broken heart so hard, they begin to bleed all over again.
It can be difficult to move on when your old flame is all over Instagram etc, grinning from ear to ear over some new achievement of his, some big promotion or whatever. Seeing him playing happy families, when he told you the opposite was true, can be extremely painful. Watching him acting like a great guy, when he treated you unfairly and you know he's not all that he pretends to be on social media, can be irritating.
It can be especially hard to watch him succeed if your life was damaged by your association with him. For instance, if you lost your job and income, but he kept his; or if you had to move companies and start from scratch elsewhere, while he gets promoted at your old company; if he uses things you told him in confidence to steal your thunder, achieving your goals before you do; or if you sent him an olive branch and he chose to ignore it - this can all add a truck-load of salt to the wound. It can feel as if you are doing your best to climb back up the cliff to the position you were in before you met him, and meanwhile he is kicking rocks in your face, just to hinder your progress.
It's not fair that women get punished, while men get promoted, but it happens. You were both there, having the same conversations, the same interactions, but you are left to rebuild a life he left in ruins, while he goes on to win the day. Well, good for him. He might have broken your heart, but he can only break your spirit if you let him. Don't go down the Anna Karenina path, because the truth is, he's just not worth it. If he deceived you, betrayed your trust, take the higher path of Jane Eyre and rebuild your life, without him in it. If it's meant to be, you will find each other again, but if it's not, at least you will have a new life to enjoy - and who knows what that will lead to, or who you will meet.
And if you're tempted towards an inappropriate relationship, remember it's always the woman who pays the price, while the men get off Scot free. Women are punished, while men are promoted. It sucks, but it's the world we have to navigate. But if he turns up on Instagram, sunning himself on an island like a Greek God, do feel free to wish him a bad case of sunburn on his arse-end! He deserves no less.
BB Marie x
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