"I never trust a narcissist, but they love me;
So I play them like a violin and I make it look oh, so easy..."
Lyrics from Reputation by Taylor Swift
I realised some time ago that I have been collecting relationships with narcissists throughout my life, in the same way that school boys collect stamps. It was brought to my attention a couple of years ago, when a particularly vindictive narcissist began directing her spitefulness towards me and my work, and encouraging others to do likewise.
This was my first interaction with someone I knew to be a narcissist, so I was prepared for it, and I have to say, rather than knocking me down as she intended, she only fuelled my interest in this fascinating personality disorder. In fact, I have since gone on to publish psychotherapy features about this topic and you might have seen one I published in a magazine recently, which looks at how narcissists work. So on balance, although it was a rather nasty occurrence in my life, I actually made money from this unpleasant altercation and published more psychotherapy work from it, which I'm pretty sure was the last thing she would have wanted! Victory comes in many guises and living well really is the best revenge.
I'm not talking here about those people who are vain attention seekers. No, I'm talking about those narcissistic personalities that seek to harm others for the greater glory of themselves; who wear a mask of pretentious altruism and compassion, in order to get close enough to stir up as much trouble as they can possibly manage; who use the people close to them to get what they need, want and desire, feeding off their loved one's energies, while constantly undermining their efforts to please.
These narcissists can be dangerous and damaging to your well-being, particularly if you are in a close relationship with one. And if you dare to call them out on their behaviour and expose their duplicity and grandiosity, as I did, then they will make you their number one enemy and will go all out for revenge. Rumour-mongering and smear campaigns are their chosen weapons and they will try to ruin your reputation, both personally and professionally.
Exposing the false claims of a narcissist is like sunlight to a vampire - it reduces them to dust, and they will hate you for it! They can bear a grudge for a lifetime and will do all they can to see you fall and fail. The only way to beat them is to completely disengage, because they feed off drama, so by withdrawing from the narrative you essentially stop their narcissistic supply. Getting nothing from you, they will move their attention onto someone else instead, but their behaviour won't change.
In my research of this topic I discovered that narcissists are drawn to empaths, like nails to a magnate, and they will cling on just as tightly. This makes sense, as an empath is likely to pick up on the pain and vulnerability the narcissist is trying desperately to hide, so an empath would have more time for the narcissist and be less likely to lose patience with them, or leave them. This also explains why I have had more than one narcissist in my life for long periods of time! I do experience deep empathy quite regularly and it is probably this gift that the narcissists are drawn to.
Anyone can be a narcissist; your parent, your best friend, your tutor, your boss, your spouse - or all of the above if you are collecting narcissists as I did! The good news is that once you know the signs they become easier to spot, so you can avoid them. For me, it took an altercation with someone I knew in passing and already knew to be a narcissist, before I began to identify those same traits in people close to me. That's when I began to cut people out of my life if possible, or go low-contact with those I was forced to interact with, say on placement or in college.
There are defining moments in any interaction with a narcissist and these are most easily identified in any letters or messages they send you. I have letters that were sent to me some time ago from a covert narcissist, that I checked against these narcissistic criteria, and I was quite shocked to see that ALL the landmarks were present in BOTH the letters - sometimes word for word with the examples given in the criteria! This was a great validation to me, and proved that I was quite right to end that relationship and go my own way.
Two of the biggest defining moments are that the narcissist will question your sanity or state of mind, and also that they will send 'flying monkeys' to fight their corner for them. These monkeys might be other family members including children; friends; or people they have recruited as their 'allies' to try and engage you in conflict on their behalf - this last is especially likely to be the case if you have already defeated the narcissist in the past. They will stir up other people against you and use those people to get back at you by proxy, because they've learnt that they don't have what it takes to go up against you directly. They might even play the Victim card and call the police to complain about you. Fortunately the boys and girls in blue are highly trained in spotting narcissistic lies and deceit, so if all you've done is end a relationship, then you have nothing to worry about. The narcissist will be the one to look like a fool, not you.
You are always free to walk away from any relationship that is no longer enhancing your life, whether this be a partner, a best friend or someone you only know in passing. Likewise, you are also entitled to disengage from any narcissist who tries to draw you into their drama, or cause trouble for you. Block their number on your phone, ignore all letters and messages, and end all contact. Don't share information that they can use against you. If they have no contact with you and they can't glean information about you, then you are giving them nothing to work with. They will move on. They have to, because they can't live without their narcissistic supply - but that doesn't have to come from you!
Protect yourself further by researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so that you can spot the signs earlier in future. I know it sounds dry as old sticks, but it really is a fascinating subject, so you won't be bored. And it could save you much heartache and headaches further down the line. Swot now or repent later!
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