ONCE UPON A DREAM; Dealing with Narcissists

"I never trust a narcissist, but they love me;

So I play them like a violin and I make it look oh, so easy..."

Lyrics from Reputation by Taylor Swift

I realised some time ago that I have been collecting relationships with narcissists throughout my life, in the same way that school boys collect stamps. It was brought to my attention a couple of years ago, when a particularly vindictive narcissist began directing her spitefulness towards me and my work, and encouraging others to do likewise.  

This was my first interaction with someone I knew to be a narcissist, so I was prepared for it, and I have to say, rather than knocking me down as she intended, she only fuelled my interest in this fascinating personality disorder. In fact, I have since gone on to publish psychotherapy features about this topic and you might have seen one I published in a magazine recently, which looks at how narcissists work.  So on balance, although it was a rather nasty occurrence in my life, I actually made money from this unpleasant altercation and published more psychotherapy work from it, which I'm pretty sure was the last thing she would have wanted!  Victory comes in many guises and living well really is the best revenge. 

I'm not talking here about those people who are vain attention seekers.  No, I'm talking about those narcissistic personalities that seek to harm others for the greater glory of themselves; who wear a mask of pretentious altruism and compassion, in order to get close enough to stir up as much trouble as they can possibly manage; who use the people close to them to get what they need, want and desire, feeding off their loved one's energies, while constantly undermining their efforts to please. 

These narcissists can be dangerous and damaging to your well-being, particularly if you are in a close relationship with one. And if you dare to call them out on their behaviour and expose their duplicity and grandiosity, as I did, then they will make you their number one enemy and will go all out for revenge.  Rumour-mongering and smear campaigns are their chosen weapons and they will try to ruin your reputation, both personally and professionally.  

Exposing the false claims of a narcissist is like sunlight to a vampire - it reduces them to dust, and they will hate you for it!  They can bear a grudge for a lifetime and will do all they can to see you fall and fail.  The only way to beat them is to completely disengage, because they feed off drama, so by withdrawing from the narrative you essentially stop their narcissistic supply.  Getting nothing from you, they will move their attention onto someone else instead, but their behaviour won't change. 

In my research of this topic I discovered that narcissists are drawn  to empaths, like nails to a magnate, and they will cling on just as tightly.  This makes sense, as an empath is likely to pick up on the pain and vulnerability the narcissist is trying desperately to hide, so an empath would have more time for the narcissist and be less likely to lose patience with them, or leave them.  This also explains why I have had more than one narcissist in my life for long periods of time!  I do experience deep empathy quite regularly and it is probably this gift that the narcissists are drawn to.

Anyone can be a narcissist; your parent, your best friend, your tutor, your boss, your spouse - or all of the above if you are collecting narcissists as I did!  The good news is that once you know the signs they become easier to spot, so you can avoid them. For me, it took an altercation with someone I knew in passing and already knew to be a narcissist, before I began to identify those same traits in people close to me.  That's when I began to cut people out of my life if possible, or go low-contact with those I was forced to interact with, say on placement or in college. 

There are defining moments in any interaction with a narcissist and these are most easily identified in any letters or messages they send you.  I have letters that were sent to me some time ago from a covert narcissist, that I checked against these narcissistic criteria, and I was quite shocked to see that ALL the landmarks were present in BOTH the letters - sometimes word for word with the examples given in the criteria! This was a great validation to me, and proved that I was quite right to end that relationship and go my own way.  

Two of the biggest defining moments are that the narcissist will question your sanity or state of mind, and also that they will send 'flying monkeys' to fight their corner for them. These monkeys might be other family members including children; friends; or people they have recruited as their 'allies' to try and engage you in conflict on their behalf - this last is especially likely to be the case if you have already defeated the narcissist in the past. They will stir up other people against you and use those people to get back at you by proxy, because they've learnt that they don't have what it takes to go up against you directly. They might even play the Victim card and call the police to complain about you. Fortunately the boys and girls in blue are highly trained in spotting narcissistic lies and deceit, so if all you've done is end a relationship, then you have nothing to worry about.   The narcissist will be the one to look like a fool, not you. 

You are always free to walk away from any relationship that is no longer enhancing your life, whether this be a partner, a best friend or someone you only know in passing.  Likewise, you are also entitled to disengage from any narcissist who tries to draw you into their drama, or cause trouble for you.  Block their number on your phone, ignore all letters and messages, and end all contact. Don't share information that they can use against you.  If they have no contact with you and they can't glean information about you, then you are giving them nothing to work with.  They will move on.  They have to, because they can't live without their narcissistic supply - but that doesn't have to come from you! 

Protect yourself further by researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so that you can spot the signs earlier in future.  I know it sounds dry as old sticks, but it really is a fascinating subject, so you won't be bored.  And it could save you much heartache and headaches further down the line. Swot now or repent later!

BOOK NOOK; Shadowsong by S. Jae-Jones

"Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve...

...Better by far that you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad."

 from Remember by Christina Rossetti

Shadowsong is the sequel and conclusion to the Wintersong story. 

It follows Elizabeth as she begins to rebuild her life in poverty, after her return from the Underworld and when a rich patron offers to sponsor her career as a composer, it seems as if all her dreams have come true.  Vienna awaits, along with a life of riches and recognition, yet Elizabeth is consumed with yearning for her Goblin King and wants only to see his face again.  Her music is the last link she has with him and as she plays she feels his presence, drawing her back to the Underworld, where everything has changed, for an even darker force has been unleashed.

This is a satisfying sequel and bears all the hallmarks of a classic Gothic novel, dealing with themes of incarceration, madness, melancholy, addiction, corruption, self-harm, trickery and betrayal.  It is moody and atmospheric; a chiaroscuro world where the Wild Hunt bolts free, leaving icy death and devastation in its wake; where scarlet poppies, the flowers of the dead, whisper secrets and name the deceased; where magic mirrors and lakes become corridors into the nebulous realms of the Old Ways, where a sacrifice is demanded for every boon of life and turn of season. 

It's difficult to review books like this without giving too much away.  Like Wintersong before it, Shadowsong will draw you into another world, a dark fairytale realm of pagan horned gods and ancient beliefs.  It is a novel about facing your inner demons, where greater self-awareness and self-compassion bring victory and freedom. There are fewer musical references in this novel though, and the music seems to take a back seat to the story-line. Nevertheless, it is a fantastic read and I thoroughly enjoyed both books in this series.  Darkly enchanting, Shadowsong will sweep you away into a Gothic dream of love, loss and redemption. Enjoy!

BOOK NOOK; Wintersong by S. Jae-Jones

"We must not look at goblin men,

We must not buy their fruits;

Who knows upon what soil they fed

Their hungry, thirsty roots?"

from Goblin Market by Christina Rossetti

Tomorrow marks the spring equinox, but you wouldn't think so to look outside, as there is still snow on the ground.  It has been a long winter and so I wanted to curl up with a book that took me far away in my mind.  I have dozens of new books on my study shelves waiting to be read, but I reached for Wintersong; a fairytale novel based on the epic poem Goblin Market by Christina Rossetti, which is one of my favourite poems.  

Wintersong tells the story of Elizabeth, the eldest of three children, who befriends a mysterious boy in the woods and unwittingly makes him an innocent promise she doesn't really understand.  Years later a handsome stranger turns up in her life to lay claim to that promise.  He is magical and ethereal and powerful - and he is looking for a bride, or else he will plunge the world into an eternal winter of ice, snow and death.   

His choice falls on Elizabeth's beautiful golden-haired sister and he whisks her away to the Underworld, leaving Elizabeth no choice but to venture after them to try and rescue her sister from the Goblin King.  So begins an epic adventure for Elizabeth and her sister Katharina - one filled with all the feasting, dancing and fine ball gowns of the dark realm of the Fey.  But all is not what it seems and faerie glamour is all around them. 

As the title of the book suggests, the novel has a musical theme and there is musicality in the lyrical way in which the novel is written.  The author clearly has a depth of knowledge in musical theory and composition and this shines through in every chapter.  Anyone with a love of playing and composing music would enjoy this book, for it explores the magic of the musical composition and the genius of plucking sounds fresh from the mind and transforming them into melody and song for others to enjoy.  The vocabulary used is extensive and lyrically expressive.  It is a very intelligent novel.

Wintersong is by far one of the most sophisticated fantasy novels I have ever read, drawing upon classic poetry and the great composers, as well as folklore and mythology, weaving them together into a fairytale version of the Persephone myth, that literally sings from the page.  It blends together everything I love about the arts - literature, classical music, poetry, mythology - this book has it all.  It's so inspiring to read too.  It made me want to study musical theory - and I mean really study it - and take my own attempts to learn piano more seriously. 

This book is over 500 pages long and I read it in a day and a half, it's that good.  Curled up by the fire, listening to classical harp music playing in the background, I was completely swept away by this story.  It is beautiful, romantic, magical and whimsical. If you love music, or enjoyed other fairytale books I have reviewed, such as Entwined and The Treachery of Beautiful Things, I am sure that will love Wintersong too, so I will include the link here, should you want to give it try.  It is a beautiful escape into an enchanting world, resplendent in the music of love. 

"But did I remember something I had imagined, or something real? There was pretend, and then there was memory..."

Wintersong.  

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Lone Wolf

The snow is coming down again, in pretty white flurries.  It started yesterday as I came home from Cruse Bereavement Care.  I have been on placement with them for just over a year now and I have less than ten hours left to do, to meet the one hundred clinical hours required as the final part of my psychotherapy diploma.   So I should have that box ticked by the end of next month.  All that is left to concentrate on now, is the final placement report, which is a long, tedious piece of essay writing.  But it is the very last hurdle of a long five years of training to become a counsellor.  

The diploma is split into two sections, with two years of class lectures and the final year out on placement racking up clinical placement hours.  So although  I have passed all the academic aspects of the course, I still have this last little bit to complete before I am free of it altogether. 

All of which means that I am starting to think about what I want to do next.  I have already decided that I am taking the summer off from volunteering as a Cruse counsellor - my contract with them was for one year, so I have more than served it out, but I want a break from death and dying for a few weeks over summer, before probably returning to practice there in the autumn.  I have enjoyed my time on placement.  It suits my mind-set, because everyone is a volunteer, so there is no real hierarchy. 

Someone once asked me if I saw myself as an Alpha or a Beta, to which I replied "Neither - I see myself as a lone wolf, so hierarchy doesn't really come into it. That's how other people might see me, but I don't really care what anyone else thinks of me. I just do my own thing."  And it's true.  I do see myself as a lone wolf. I have lived alone for nearly twenty years and worked from home for the majority of that time.  I have a very autonomous spirit.  That is not to say that I cannot work well as part of a team - being part of a team is one of the things I have enjoyed most about my placement.  But I am not deeply entrenched in the Pack mentality. 

By this I mean that I am quite happy to play my part in a Pack, providing they are heading in the same direction as me, we share the same ethics and values and we are working together to achieve similar goals or for the greater benefit of others.  But I refuse to play any part at all in what I call a Bitch Pack - those groups of people who are all about gossip, drama, spitefulness and office sexcapades - life is too short to get caught up in that kind of juvenile behaviour and I avoid such Packs like the plague!

Its about finding your tribe and choosing your Pack carefully, because who you associate with is who you become.  I am happy to assimilate with a positive Pack that is heading in the same direction as me, to enjoy the experience of team work and making new friends, but at some stage it is inevitable that our paths will part and I will go my own way.   I need to do my own thing to be happy.  I need space and solitude to develop my capabilities and explore my creativity.  

Sometimes, a chance meeting with a lone wolf can be enough to make you question your own Pack mentality; to wonder if it might be time for you to go your own way a bit more. I believe that everyone could benefit from being more of a lone wolf, because existentially we are all alone in life anyway.  

In some working environments it is an inevitable aspect of promotion and doing well - hence the saying "It's lonely at the top".   If you have ambitions to break away from the shop floor and into the management suite, you will first have to break away from the shop floor Pack, in order to be seen as management material. The old Pack might well snarl at you for this, but you do what you need to do to get to where you want to be - they could well be happy enough on the shop floor, but that doesn't mean you have to settle for it.   Start to assimilate with the Management Pack instead and you'll be more likely to work your way up. 

In some professions, being a lone wolf is just part of the job.  A doctor or health worker out on call is usually out on their own, away from the Pack of the surgery.  This distance can be enough to satisfy those who have lone wolf tendencies, but who also like the support of a team as back up.   It can be a happy compromise for those who feel the need to break out, but not break away. 

In some careers, such as counselling, being a lone wolf is purely circumstantial, because there are no jobs for counsellors out there, so private practice is often the only option; it's less of a choice and more a necessity, which is why I'm thrilled that I am already a professional writer, as if nothing else, my training has given me a new area of expertise in which to publish my work!  Writing is also a lone wolf career because you are spending long hours alone at your desk, building a world on the page that no-one else can see. 

Autonomy is one of the greatest, most empowering gifts that you can give yourself.  That isn't to say that you can never accept help - a young soldier once washed my car for me, fixed my bookshelves and re-tuned my TV, all in one day; and not because he questioned my capability, but just because he was a pal who wanted to help me and he knew I liked having him around. It was a fun afternoon and we had a good laugh, but I went straight back to being the lone wolf after he'd returned to Catterick!

If you see yourself as a lone wolf, hierarchy becomes irrelevant. No-one can lord it over you, because you'll just walk away and leave them behind.  You never lower your standards, so people who want to be around you either have to be on the same level, or raise their standards to meet yours, and then maintain them.  You are adept at survival and thrive in your own company, so you don't become needy and clingy.  You make your own decisions and choices, which means that you're less likely to whinge and whine about doing things you don't want to do.  

If someone else wants to share in your journey, that's great, but they have to be your match and your equal - you are not prepared to carry a free-loader or be drained by a narcissist.  

If someone wants your skills for their Pack, they have to make sure that their Pack is up to your standards to begin with, because its not your job to make it so.  You can only enhance a standard that is already there and if its not already in place, you simply walk away. 

Committing to being a lone wolf raises your game to the next level and attracts only the Alphas for the long term.  I keep my standards high, I'm not afraid to defend myself if necessary, and the Betas in life - wastrel men, spiteful women and time-wasting jobs - just fade away and give me a wide berth. They know they can't compete, they don't have what I'm looking for, so they slink away with a disgruntled snarl - and that's just fine by me! I wish them well in their chosen Beta lifestyle, but I refuse to diminish myself to be a part of it and I remain a lone wolf, neither Alpha nor Beta, just strong and powerful, going my own way, doing my own thing. 

Autonomy is cool; independence is sexy; so why wouldn't you want more of it in your life?  And if a man offers to wash your car, you can let him, safe in your autonomy, because it's a nice thing to do...and because it makes for a really nice view! 😏

BOOK NOOK; The Viper by Monica McCarty

This very saucy book made me blush so much, but I loved it!

The Viper is the fourth novel in Monica McCarty's Highland Guard series.  It tells the tale of Isabella MacDuff/Buchan, who is one of my greatest heroines.  Her name is legendary in Scotland and if you are unfamiliar with her story, its worth researching her role in the Scottish Wars of Independence. 

Here are the historical facts in a nutshell; it was the ancient right of Clan MacDuff to enthrone Scotland's kings, but at the time Isabella's brother was being held as a political hostage by the English, purely so that he couldn't fulfil this role.  But the English had underestimated his sister Isabella and she took it upon herself to defy her Clan Comyn husband, steal his horse and ride out so that she could crown Robert the Bruce as King of Scots herself!  She had a clear choice  - Comyn or Bruce - and she chose Bruce.  For that reason alone she is my heroine; but for the price she paid for her loyalty, she won the respect of all loyal Scots, to this very day. You can learn more about her at The Bannockburn Visitor's Centre, which is a wonderful place to visit if you are ever in Stirlingshire. 

In this fictional account, The Viper, Lachlan MacRuairi, is the green-eyed bad boy of the Bruce's Highland Guard.  He has a reputation for ruthlessness and barbarity.  Few people actually like him; even his own comrades are wary of his temper and his black-hearted reputation.  He is certainly a man with dark secrets and he prefers to work alone.  He doesn't like to get too close to people, so when he meets the feisty Isabella and finds he can't scare her, he is a bit nonplussed.  

His mission is to guard her as she makes her epic journey to crown the Bruce, and in the process, she gets right under his skin.  At first he resents her for it, but when he learns of her fate, he knows that he has to rescue her from the cage in which she is being kept by the English.  

As for Bella, well she's not much more impressed with Viper either. She finds him arrogant and full of himself.  She hates that he tries to command her and expects her to obey him, without question, because that's what he is used to doing with his team of men.  She is intimidated by the lust she sees in his eyes and the crude way in which he sometimes speaks of her, though she'll never let him see it and uses her sharp tongue as a means of defence against his raw masculine desire.  She has been ill-used by men in the past, but as she begins to fall for Lachlan, she desperately wants him to see her for herself, for her courage and intelligence, not just for her shape or her beauty.  She wants a man who loves her spirit, rather than one who tries to break it.  

Well, don't we all? I think all women want to be admired for who they are, rather than as a receptacle for a man's lust, and this novel makes that point very well.  It makes an argument for love, over lust, though it accepts that the first is much easier if desire is present on both sides. But lust alone isn't enough to build a relationship. It's too fleeting.  It's too easy to forget and move on. 

Most women want a man who plans to stick around afterwards - not one who thinks he can just pass through her like a ghost, on his way to something else.  She needs to trust that he is interested in more than her body, more than a fleeting moment of pleasure; that he thinks of her when they are not together; that he misses her. We need the reassurance of long-term fidelity.  That is the only way to truly win us over.  It's a lesson Lachlan has to learn in spades!

The Viper is racier than the first three books in the series, but if you've ever read any Jackie Collins or Jilly Cooper, you shouldn't find that it's too much.  Just be aware though, that it has quite a few sex scenes, so probably not one to lend your grandmother!  That said, the story is great. There are some fantastic rescue missions, complete with explosives, blowing up walls and so on - it has a great military/SAS vibe to it, which makes it such a fun read.  I've already ordered the rest of the books in this series! What can I say?  The Highland Guard are holding me hostage for the foreseeable  future...and I have no intention of allowing myself to be rescued from them! 

"The Lovers"

Taken in Gretna Green last September 2017

MUSICAL DOLL; Treacherous

"And I'll do anything you say, if you say it with your hands..."

When that treacherous part of you is hoping his hands are quite chatty, yet speak in a gentle whisper...you're probably already doomed.😉 💘

"Your name has echoed through my mind and I just, think you should, think you should know"💋

xxx

MUSICAL DOLL; Cold

I'm dying here...

And I'm crying for the you that I remember, but now you make me shiver, you're so cold...

How can I fight when love is the enemy?

The Veronicas

xxx

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Standing By For Ant Middleton!!!

I just got tickets to see Ant Middleton's tour in September when he comes to my home town!!!!  I'm so excited!  I'm glad I waited too, because I was thinking of booking tickets for his Chesterfield show, but now he's coming to Sheffield as well, which is much easier for me to get to. 

I'm not sure what to expect really. I'm thinking it's going to be a cross between a motivational seminar and autobiographical tales of high adventure and derring-do.  All I know is that I love to watch him on the telly-box, so of course I want to see him on tour.  He is such an inspiration to me - all the SAS Who Dares Wins guys are; but for some reason the media world seems to have concentrated more on Ant than the others. Or maybe the other lads just let him do all the talking! 

He has a new book coming out too, which I'm hoping to buy at the event as a wee souvenir.  I enjoyed their TV tie-in book and I refer back to it time and again, so it will be nice to have a new book from him to read.  I was literally dancing when I got the ticket confirmation email!  I haven't been this excited about tour tickets since I booked for Kylie's Kiss Me Once tour back in 2014. Or maybe Disney On Ice;Frozen in 2016. 

I can't wait for autumn now and it's going to be a long six months waiting for the date to come up...I have a date with Ant Middleton! I'm actually going to get to see him in the flesh, and as he's even cooler than the beast from the east, I'm sure I'll learn lots. I'm really looking forward to it!