We are midway through December and the Christmas bomb has officially exploded. Its all tinsel and twinkle as far as the eye can see. You can't even pop to the shop for a loaf of bread without Slade screaming out a reminder that "Its Christmas!!"...as if that weren't obvious from every window you just trudged past!
It's all so pretty and twinkly and festive. It's meant to make you remember how happy and loved you are. But what if you're not happy? What if you're alone and lost? What if you're separated from your family because you are working away? What if you're bereaved, or ill? What if Christmas is just a big reminder of everything you don't have and the carol singers might as well just slap you in the face?
Christmas is a tough time for a lot of people - not everyone can muster up Tiny Tim's optimism in the face of adversity. I have always been aware of that fact, but working at Cruse Bereavement Care this year has really brought it home to me - for some people Christmas is just one more trauma to face, and fight their way through. To get to the Cruse office I walk past a least half a dozen homeless men; once in the office I do what I can to support broken hearts, knowing that ultimately there is only so much I can do. Christmas makes my job much harder.
In everyone's lifetime a sprinkling of Merry Shitmasses will have to be endured. It can't be merry and bright every single year, because life isn't like that. Our expectations of Christmas need to be moderated to the situation we are in during the run up to December. Some Merry Shitmasses are to be expected - if you have had a death in the family, been made redundant, or you've just been dumped, you will already be aware that Christmas is going to be tough on you this year. However some Merry Shitmasses take you completely by surprise, blowing up in your face over the festive period and knocking you for six, because there is something about this magical time of year that means the truth, no matter how painful it is, will come out. This is why applications for divorce soar in January. The Yuletide gods demand celebration - not sham.
Of course, the magazines won't tell you this. I have lost count of the number of times I have tried to explore this darker side of Christmas in my work and then had the call from an editor saying "Could you maybe write something a bit more uplifting?". Uplifting always wins the day in the media world, but I want to write things that are also relevant and helpful to my readers, and I know that not all of you will be looking forward to the festive season every single year, because shit just happens.
Suicide and domestic abuse rates increase at this time of year and December/January is the Samaritans busiest period. For some people Christmas stinks - ignoring that fact and expecting them to still 'make merry' is unfair and damaging and can ultimately do more harm than good.
I sincerely wish every one of my readers a very happy Yuletide, but if you do happen to be faced with a Merry Shitmas to endure, here are some survival tips to help you get through it with as much grace as possible;
Be Honest; Be honest about how you feel. I'm not saying that you should complain to anyone and everyone, but gently explain that you are not in the festive spirit and just want to get through it quietly. Real friends will understand. Also, the world will continue to enjoy itself and will still wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year - its not meant to be a personal insult to you so don't take it as one!
Have The Talk; A Merry Shitmas is a good opportunity to have one of The Talks with your kids - you know, the one about life not being a bed of roses and how things won't always go as they planned. Tell them that you can only make the best of the situation that you have been dealt. Teach them how to deal with festive upsets by setting the example, not of martyrdom, but of calm, determined resilience. Teaching kids how to take hard knocks is a vital life skill for them to have, otherwise they will become the kind of over-cosseted adults who cannot handle set backs.
Allow Extra Time; Christmas holds everything up, so if you are in the unfortunate position of having to deal with funeral arrangements or divorce proceedings, accept that nothing much can be done until the world returns to work in January. Funeral directors do still work over Christmas, but it takes a bit longer to arrange and might even cost more. Divorce, doctor and hospital appointments will usually have to wait until January. There's no point fighting against the tide, you will only exhaust yourself further. Take this extra time as a moment to try and recharge your batteries instead.
Opt Out Give yourself permission to opt out of anything you think will be too much for you. Turn down party invites, get the groceries delivered online, use up any time owing to have extra days off work, refuse dinner invitations, don't bother with Christmas cards etc. Again, real friends will understand your need to navigate the season in your own way this year.
Self-Care Look after yourself. Have pampering spa nights, eat good food, light scented candles, treat yourself to new pyjamas and slippers, take vitamin supplements to ward off colds and flu, write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal to help process them. This is not just survival for women either - men could get new shaving products or beard care items to pamper with and might find journaling easier than talking to someone about their troubles. Its about taking care of yourself, acknowledging that you have been hurt and are going through a tough time and need a little extra TLC, so be tender to yourself and treat you right!
Its Your Christmas Remember that it is your Christmas too. No matter how tits-up its gone, it is still your Christmas and you can do as much or as little of it as you want. Put the tree up, or don't. Bake mince pies if you want to, or buy them in if you just want to eat them and can't be bothered to bake. Keep the kids happy, but say sod-off to everyone else. Ditch the office party in favour of PJs and a glass of wine in front of the telly. Make a turkey dinner or beans on toast. It's your choice.
Never underestimate the power of opting out of the Big Day, enjoying yourself quietly at home, while the rest of the world has a melt down over a small oven and a dead bird! On Christmas Day, have a lovely hot bath, put your PJs on, plate up some festive snacks and go back to bed with a Jane Austen DVD box-set - that's what I did the year my Nan died on December 21st and it actually turned out to be a rather enjoyable day after all!
And remember, its just one year - next year your life will have moved on and you might have the best Christmas ever. Whatever kind of Christmas you have this year, may you be sprinkled with lots of Yuletide blessings...Merry Shitmass! Love to you all😍x
I hope you won't need these links, but here they are just in case;
www.cruse.org.uk for bereavement
www.samaritans.org.uk for general help
www.crisis.org.uk for homelessness/evictions
www.refuge.org.uk for domestic abuse
www.stepchange.org.uk for financial hardship and debt
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