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| Sometimes a day in bed is just what you need |
The daylight is already fading as I settle in to write this post. Autumn is upon us and another winter looms up ahead. It is time to get cosy; to be warm and quiet, curled up with a book and a cup of chai tea latte to keep out the chill.
I am in a reflective mood tonight. I really miss Pyewackett and as the nights draw in I feel his absence terribly. It has been just over six months since his death and I have been keeping busy and occupied, but as the dark season begins, it reminds me of how much I miss the day to day aspects of living with my cat. It has made me realise that I am grieving the loss of him.
Facing the void is never easy, yet the void inevitably follows on from a loss. This is true of any loss, whether it be the loss of a job, a divorce or break-up, or a bereavement. The void triggers our fears for the future, our anxieties and insecurities. It makes us question our identity, for who are we if we don't have that job, that marriage, that family member? The void is like a dark mirror, reflecting our own mortality back at us and forcing us to find an answer to the question What now?
Life is a cycle of birth, death and rebirth. Therefore, if your life has been touched by a death or a loss of some kind, it is only a matter of time before the rebirth takes place, although waiting for Life to labour a new beginning is a painful and frustrating process. It might seem as if a new start is way out of reach, but something has to come along to fill the void which the loss has left behind.
I frequently tell my clients to go easy on themselves, and in the past couple of days I have come to the conclusion that I need to take my own advice. There is no point pushing myself; reinvention simply doesn't happen overnight. Logically, I know this, but emotionally, I have been using my drive to move deeper into a viable counselling career as a way of avoiding my grief. Add to that my thyroid illness and traumatic stress, and it isn't really any wonder that I'm feeling tired and drained.
Part of it is the post creative come-down, which I have mentioned before in previous posts, and which occurs after a long stint of writing and the completion of a big project. Four years of studying has taken a lot out of me and not because the course was hard, but because we had a tutor who loved to treat us like puppets, constantly moved the goal posts at a moments notice and made things as stressful for us as he could get away with.
Trying to study under this kind of duress was almost impossible. I did as much work from home as I could manage and started to see the classes as just something to attend and get through - I didn't learn much from them because I don't respond to the brow-beating approach. I did what I could to distance myself from it as much as possible, even putting a filter on the constant barrage of tutor emails, but it still had a negative effect.
So part of my current fatigue is due to being in recovery from the onslaught I experienced in college. It isn't an experience I am eager to repeat, hence why I am taking a year off before I plan to do the MA. Even though the MA is held in a different university and by a different tutor, on a different topic - I still feel that I need this year long break. And the deep fatigue I am currently feeling confirms that theory.
Part of facing the void lies in letting go. You have to let go of what you have lost before you can move on, though this is easier said than done. But there is also another kind of letting go - that of surrender and I think that is where I am at right now. I feel ready to let go and surrender, just to wait and see what life has in store for me next. I have always been blessed with the right kind of opportunities when I needed them, and I have no doubt that this will continue. The right opportunity for psychotherapy work will come to me - probably when I least expect it. I trust that this will be the case, as it always has been before.
In the meantime my body is telling me that I need to rest; my mind is telling me that I need to rest and refill the creative well with new sights, sounds and experiences. I need Artists Dates and days off from writing, so that I can nurture new ideas instead. I need to relax and read and dream once more, without guilt or anxiety pushing in and spoiling things.
My Highland holiday later on in autumn will be just what I need - a complete escape and a much needed change of scene. The sea and mountain air of the Highlands always rejuvenates me and inspires me; the sound of the bagpipes makes my heart lift and I am so much looking forward to being back in Scotland once more. It is the place where I feel most free; where I am most understood. And who wouldn't enjoy time spent in a land of stolen kisses from handsome kilted men?
Until then I plan to read, rest and recuperate; to let go of control a bit and stop pushing for my future; to wait for my future to just turn up with a new opportunity, when the time is right and I am strong enough to accept it and do a damn good job of it. So mote it be.
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