ONCE UPON A DREAM; Master of Arts Graduation!

 

I have just had my second Graduation ceremony and I am now awarded the Degree of Master of Arts in Creative Writing!  It's been a weird course, much of it on Zoom because of the pandemic, and even our graduation was moderated due to Covid - for instance, there were no hand shakes, no champagne buffet afterwards and no scrolls were handed out at the ceremony. Instead, it was just a doff of the cap to and from Baroness Kennedy QC, who was presiding over the event.  I don't think I've ever met a Baroness before and she was lovely, not at all stuffy, so that was quite nice.

Just like last time, I was a bag of nerves. I left my mother in the foyer of the venue as we went through different doors to take our seats.  I was sat behind what seemed like hundreds of BA Graduands, who all had to receive their degrees first, so the wait was pretty nerve wracking.   As a Masters Degree recipient, and the first of only three MA students, I was in the penultimate group to go up, with only the PhD students behind me. So there was a lot of sitting and clapping and plenty of time for the nerves to build. 

By the time we were called to the stage area, my mind had already envisioned every possible disaster that could befall me;  I'd trip over my own feet, I'd trip on the steps going on or off stage, I'd slip on stage and butt-sledge across the boards, I'd rip the gown on the hand rail, I'd knock off my mortar board as I doffed my cap or I'd forget to doff completely and the Baroness would have me flung in the Tower and probably beheaded...

So by the time I was being given instructions to ascend the mountain of three little steps and stand on the white marker while my name was read out, then traverse the stage, I was shaking like a jelly.

How I got through it without vomiting on my shoes or peeing my pants in terror I'll never know! I'm simply not cut out for pomp and ceremony and I don't like being the center of attention.  Not for the first time I felt so grateful to my mum for giving me a nice long name, as this gave me vital extra seconds to collect myself as I stood on stage, before I began the walk of terror.  I don't recall doffing my cap, but my mum tells me that I did it beautifully.  To be honest, my brief time on stage is a blur to me - all I remember is the huge sense of relief I felt when I sank back into my seat, my eyes filling with tears of gratitude that it was over and I'd somehow managed to navigate the ceremony without mishap.  From then on it was time to celebrate!

The Christmas Market was in full swing - much smaller than usual, but still an improvement on last year when it was cancelled altogether, so we went into the pretty Alpine Bar and had roasted chestnuts and hot spiced toffee cider.  The we tried a spiced mulled gin, which was lovely, before going around the market and buying a few festive goodies.  Afterwards it was time to head back to university for the de-gowning ceremony, and from there we went out for a roast dinner to finish off the day.  It was lovely and my mum said she had really enjoyed the whole day, so that was nice.

Of course, I am still attending Masterclasses as and when I want to, although I now go as an Alumni so I can just pick and choose the speakers I want to hear and the seminars I want to attend.  This means that I will still be popping into university quite regularly, especially if they have events with an author I am especially interested in, as this is a great way to meet other successful authors and network a little bit.  

So my time at university is far from over, and I did find myself thinking during the ceremony earlier how lovely the PhD graduation robes are! One rung of the ladder remains - maybe I'll climb it, maybe I won't. All I know is that I have achieved the goal I set for myself and I am now a Master of Arts as a Creative Writer.  After over twenty years as a published author, I now have a high qualification in the job I've been doing for all that time! That is an achievement worth celebrating and I brought a new friend home with me too...😀

Congratulations to anyone else who has graduated this autumn - it has been a strange time to study, so the results are especially worth celebrating.  Enjoy! 

Marie Bruce MA x

BOOK NOOK; Wintering by Katherine May

 

"Our knowledge of winter is a fragment of childhood, almost innate; we learn about it in the surprising cluster of novels and fairytales that are set in snow. All the careful preparations that animals make to endure the cold, foodless months, hibernation and migration, deciduous trees dropping leaves.  This is no accident."

It is 4pm on a damp November afternoon and owl-light is just beginning to descend, pushing back the watery daylight with the promise of a velvety night to come. I'm burning Pumpkin Chai scented candles left over from Samhain and sipping on Turkish Delight hot chocolate.  Curled up in my little nook under a blanket, I have just finished reading Wintering by Katherine May and what a lovely little book it is too!

Wintering is both a personal memoir of living with chronic illness and an ode to the dark season of life.  At first, I thought that I had mistakenly picked up a book that was more about illness and suffering than the winter season I love so much, but once through the introduction and back story, I found myself hungrily devouring chapter after chapter of this charming book.  

May's work is extremely descriptive and she takes her reader on a journey from September to March, with stops along the way at Stonehenge, Iceland, a Swedish church, Norway and the coastal villages of England.  Here we meet reindeer, wolves, dormice, robins and bees, as well as St Lucy, the Cailleach, St Nicholas and a few ghosts.  Each chapter is a feast of various winter animals and events, seasonal changes, mental adjustments and the customs most of us follow blindly, because opting out would get us a bad reputation!  

Of course one must still do Christmas when one has a troubled child, a sick husband and a debilitating illness, but May shares her struggles with great humour as she tries to live up to society's expectations of doing it all, all the time.

Sometimes you need to rest and switch off and Wintering encourages just that.  I found that reading through the chapters had a very calming, soothing effect on the psyche, as my favourite season was laid out on the page before me, in all its icy beauty. The author nurtures her readers as well as herself as she writes.  While sharing her friend's story, for instance, May writes, 

"Nobody had ever said to me; you need to live a life you can cope with, not one that other people want. Just do one thing a day. No more than two social events in a week."  

When I read that passage, I felt a jolt of understanding and empathy.  How refreshing to be given permission to live the kind of life we can actually cope with?  How much would that reduce anxiety and stress? It puts things into perspective with such crystal clear clarity. It is certainly one of the most powerful messages of the book.

Wintering is a short book, but one that is packed full of all the best and brightest things that the winter season has to offer.  It will give you permission to enjoy keeping winter in a way that suits you and your needs. It will inspire you to welcome in the season with optimism and to take advantage of the extra hours of darkness to indulge in much needed slumber. 

In many ways, it reminded me of the works of Sarah Ban Breathnach and Cathy Rentzenbrink, so if you like their books you will probably enjoy Wintering too. Read it in one go, sitting by the fireside as I did, or indulge in a chapter a day to bring some much needed festive magic to your lunch break. However you choose to Winter this year, I wish you joy for the brightest dark season ahead!

Bright Blessings

Marie x

AD;  This book was sent to me by the publisher for review purposes. It is available to buy and download now. 

WISE WOMAN; Who Does She Think She Is?

 

Picture this scene.  You are having a night out with your friends or your partner.  You’re wearing a new outfit and your favourite shoes; you’ve recently had your hair done and you’ve finally found a foundation that makes your skin seem naturally flawless.  You’re enjoying yourself with your loved ones, having a few drinks and letting your hair down for a bit.  Then you hear it.  In a stage whisper, a nearby woman says to her friends as they all glare at you “Look at her. Who does she think she is?!”   

Maybe you know this person and maybe you don’t, but in an instant your confidence plummets and you feel self-conscious, which is exactly what she wanted you to feel.  Her poison arrow has hit the target – you – and suddenly the night isn’t as much fun as it was before.  You might try to smile your way through the rest of the evening or you might decide it’s time to go home or move on to another venue, but now your choices are coloured by someone else’s perception of you and that’s not okay.  You have the right to go out and enjoy yourself and to look great as you do so.

So what just happened?  In short, female envy has just reared its ugly head and spat in your pretty face in an effort to diminish you.  In psychotherapy we call this Female Relational Aggression and unfortunately it’s all too common.  It happens on nights out, in the workplace, in schools, colleges and universities, even in close friendships and between sisters.   Basically, female relational aggression happens wherever there are groups of women coexisting together and when Mean Girl types band together, they can wreak havoc and cause untold amounts of psychological damage to their victims.  Relational aggression can happen at any stage of life and no age group is immune to it, which is why elderly women are often so negative towards younger women.  It’s not just the generation gap that leads to misunderstandings, but relational aggression at work, amplified by the envy of youth, that is in play.

In practice it looks very similar to the Narcissistic Vendetta that we discussed in an earlier column, though relational aggression is more prevalent and has nothing to do with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  If, however a narcissist is involved, then the relational aggression is likely to be much worse and unrelenting.  Remember, there is no cure for narcissism and NPD.

So what do you do when confronted with relational aggression and why does it happen?  This tendency some women have to try and diminish other females comes from the natural competitiveness that is in our DNA, but while men compete overtly and openly, women compete covertly and in secret.  There is a traditional social standard which dictates that women shouldn’t appear too competitive as it is often regarded as being unfeminine and unladylike, yet we are still hard-wired to compete for a mate or to find the best resources for our children, which means that competition is inevitable.  So women compete with each other in secret, leading to accusations of being two-faced and underhand.

We’ve all done it at some point in our lives.  Think about it.  Have you ever felt envy towards a friend for her success, or beauty, or the things she owns?  Have you secretly tried to emulate that success in your own life, maybe by applying to work with the same company without her knowledge, or by copying her style?  Buying the same things, having similar hair-cuts and so on is a subtle form of relational aggression because your actions are saying “See. I’m just as good as you are!”   

Think about the film Black Swan where Nina, played by Natalie Portman, is stealing things from prima ballerina Beth, played by Winona Ryder, in an effort to be more like her idol.  Nina wants the magic she sees in Beth and she thinks that stealing Beth’s lipstick and so on, will help her to attain it.  This is relational aggression at work, because you just don’t steal from your friends and colleagues!  It is about Nina trying to even the playing field and bring herself up to Beth’s level by stealing her things.  

Now while most of us wouldn’t dream of stealing anything, we do frequently find ourselves buying the same things as our friends, particularly those friends that we admire the most and maybe envy a little.  Again, this is a way of leveling up with a woman we admire and/or envy, because the point of relational aggression is to try and equalize ourselves among other women.  And if you can’t level up – you tear her down instead.  That’s how relational aggression works.

Another example is that of a small group of women who are brought together through the friendship between their partners or husbands.  There is a subtle homogenization that takes place over time – similar haircuts, similar clothes, similar interests and so on. But more than this, these women will go out of their way to point out to their own husbands how similar the other women are to herself – her message being “Don’t even think about cheating on me with one of them because you won’t be getting anything different at all, so you might as well stick with me!”  And woe-betide the new woman who comes into the group, looking and acting completely different to the rest.  She will either have to conform to the look of the group, or risk being bullied and gossiped about in a relational aggressive campaign against her by the other women.  Frequently the men have no concept of what is going on and are baffled by this type of behaviour.

Becoming more aware of when we are acting aggressively towards another woman, either overtly or covertly, is the first step to ensuring that we don’t participate in this negative phenomenon.  You can always choose to walk away if relational aggression is going on around you, or you can make a stand for the victim and call out the instigators.   Notice when you begin to covet something another woman has, or when you begin to copy her.  There is nothing wrong with being inspired by other women, but copying everything someone has or does is a sign that envy is at play in your heart and that you are moving into relational aggression territory, so rein it in and find your own style instead.

Being on the receiving end of relational aggression can be a very traumatic experience and like the Narcissistic Vendetta, it can leave lasting scars.  Sadly, the closer the perpetrator the deeper the wounds, so if you have been betrayed by a sister or best friend due to her envy and covert aggression towards you, then the scars might last a lifetime.  Counselling can help you to work through this kind of trauma. 

For lesser instances of relational aggression, say in the workplace or at the gym, understanding where this behaviour has come from can sometimes be enough for it to no longer bother you. 

You might also choose to deal with it directly and in the moment, as I did. Some years ago, when I was working in the local village pub, I was enjoying a drink with my colleagues on my night off.  It was disco night and we were laughing, dancing and sharing a bit of banter, when a woman who had just come into the pub looked me up and down and said “Who does she think she is?”.  Quick as a flash I retorted “She thinks she works here, so if you come in on my shift, you’ll be thirsty!” I meant of course that she would not get served at the bar.  Sure enough, she left soon afterwards and took her spite elsewhere. It was no great loss.

When this kind of thing happens, remember that on some level, the woman who is targeting you, envies you.  You have inadvertently triggered her competitive instinct and she feels threatened by you.   Instead of getting upset, play a little game with yourself and look out for signs of her trying to level up with you – maybe she turns up to the gym in new gym gear, or has had hair extensions fitted to compete with your natural long locks.  See the signs and take it as a compliment.  If it gets very out of hand, you might need to confront her and point out the relational aggressive traits that she is indulging in.  Many women are unaware of this phenomenon – having it pointed out and explained to her in a polite manner and letting her know you are unaffected by her behaviour, should be enough to stop her in her tracks.  And if it isn’t, just do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off!  You are entitled to be your best, brightest and most talented, successful self, so never let anyone diminish your light.  Until next month,

Serene Blessings

Marie Bruce x

 

 

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Ant Middleton Tour - Finally!

 

New Tour Program

It's nearly midnight and I am just home from the long-postponed Ant Middleton Tour. I should have seen him last November, but it was put on hold due to the pandemic.  Tonight however, he was back in my home town and the seminar was certainly worth waiting for!  I've had the tickets since January 2020, so it's been a long time coming. 

It was fabulous to be in a theater space again and to see so many people enjoying the show.

Ant was very entertaining and funny, giving us all the gossip about his rift with Channel 4 and why he left the popular SAS UK show and took it to Australia instead.  I'll miss seeing him on my TV each autumn, but at least I can watch previous shows on demand. And I have the DVD of series one, which is my favourite.  

I do agree with him that the media has become far too pandering to political correctness and the various band wagons that have been doing the rounds in recent years. It makes for boring TV and is insulting to the causes the media is professing to support, not because it IS inclusive, but because it wants to be SEEN as being inclusive.  There is a significant difference.  

There is also the danger that if you shove something down the public's throat enough, it will have the opposite of the desired effect, leading only to even more tensions in society. Inclusivity has to be genuine to be effective.  

As always Ant was very out-spoken and eager to share his own opinions on the duplicity of the media! He is not without controversy.  He says exactly what he thinks and makes no apologies for that - but that's why I like him...he is a man after my own out-spoken heart!

I have all of his non-fiction books and tonight's tour has made me want to re-read them.  The tour program is also full of interesting tidbits about his life and his ambitions for the future. He has another new non-fiction book coming out soon and I can't wait to read that as well! 

Waiting for the show to begin

This is the second time I have been to see Ant Middleton. The first occasion was back in 2018, and I have enjoyed both his tours.  He is an entertaining speaker and he knows how to capture and hold the attention of an audience.  I have no doubt that he will continue touring for as long as people are happy to go and see him.  I would certainly go and see him again, and I'm going to pre-order his new book too.  He really is the best medicine, motivation and inspiration.  I highly recommend his work. 

I have had the best night out tonight, finally back in a theater, learning lots and laughing at all Ant's jokes.  I can't imagine a more positive way to spend a Saturday night on Bonfire weekend.

It's been a fantastic night out and I can fall asleep tonight all happy and motivated. 😀 

BB Marie x

MUSICAL DOLL; Jealous

"You and I, feel like its forever, 

You're my do or die...

Acting like I care less, but oh my god, I'm jealous!

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Autumn Riding & Writing

 

I have always missed horses the most at this time of year.  There is something about the autumnal trees and misty mornings that make me long to ride through the woods and enjoy a good gallop.  For a long while, I haven't really had the time to ride because I've been so busy with my studies, but I knew that once the Masters degree classes were finished, I would get back in the saddle.   

I really enjoyed my first ride on the autumnal equinox, and I have been riding regularly since then.  It's wonderful to be back in the saddle and out in the fresh air.  As a writer I spend a lot of time cooped up indoors, so it's lovely to get out riding once more.  Although I can't spend as much time at the stables as I would like, it just feels amazing to be back there at all, especially after the pandemic.  I feel like I will never take stable-life for granted again!

Riding is hard work.  It's a fantastic workout and it has the added adrenaline rush of a risk attached, because horses do spook and throw their riders from time to time.  But that's one of the things I love about it.  It is unpredictable and the horses keep me alert and thinking ahead.   Autumn is a busy time for wildlife and so the horses do tend to spook a lot, as birds fly out of the tree line, or squirrels dash around looking for food to store.  All this sudden activity can scare a horse and make them shy, so you do have to be ready for the unexpected!

When I worked at the equestrian center some years ago, autumn was my favorite riding season because it is still sunny, but neither too hot nor too cold to make riding and stables chores an arduous task.  The weather is just right.  The woodlands are stunning in all their autumn colours, and while the deer tracks can be muddy under hoof, it all adds up to an enjoyable and exhilarating riding experience.  

Although I no longer work with horses, I still love the smells and sounds of the stable yard; the shuffling of hooves through shavings or straw, the chomping of the bit and jingling of harness, the smell of fresh wood shavings as beds are put down, the grassy scent of hay as hay nets are filled, followed by the rustle as horses pull wisps of hay from the netting.  I love the scent of saddle soap and old leather, of molasses mixed into feed with fresh apples and carrots.  I love it all.

As the days grow shorter, stable routines become much cozier.  Beds are put down earlier and filled out with fresh shavings; horses are  brought in from the fields, groomed and put into their pajamas - that is they are rugged up and their stables bandages put on. Hay-nets are filled, weighed and put ready for the night checks.  Tucking the horses in for the night was always a pleasure. 

One of my favourite jobs at the equestrian center was mixing the night feeds. The feed room would always smell like a summer meadow, with all the varieties of feed in their bins. I enjoyed mixing up the meals for individual horses, adding in the molasses, the sugar beat, the appropriate supplements, stirring it all up and then leaving it to dampen down, before it would be given to the horses last thing at night.  Feeding time is still one of the things I miss about working with horses - but I am so glad I'm free of that job come the winter time or a summer heatwave!   Still, the scent of horse feed always makes me feel nostalgic for my very first job at the stables when I was a teenage girl.

That said, at this stage in my life I am much happier to just ride and leave all the hard work to a whole new generation of pony-girls! It's someone else's job to clear the ice from the water troughs, or dig the ragwort from the fields!  Now I love that I can just go and have all the fun, with none of the discomfort of working long days in pouring rain, or freezing winds.  Now I ride, I take joy in the outdoors, I see my horsey friends and enjoy the camaraderie - but then I get back in my car and drive home to my warm little house, where my writing work is waiting for me.   

I feel like I have a good balance of writing and horses in my life again and it makes me so happy.  It's as if the two things feed off one another - the writing pays for the riding and stable time, while the fresh air of a woodland hack or a lovely lesson blows away the cobwebs, leaving me clear headed, inspired and ready to write when I get home.  Since childhood, horses and books have always been the two main staples in my life, keeping me happy, healthy and motivated.  I am grateful that I am still in a position to enjoy both to the full. 

I'm currently working on some brand new projects too, which is very exciting.  My summer deadlines were met and so now it's time to bunker down for a dark season of new writing.  These two new projects are quite involved and there is a lot of work to do for them, but I am so thrilled that I get to create in this way that it doesn't really feel like work at all.  Writing is what I love to do. One of the projects is a dream come true for me and something that I used to imagine for myself, but then dismissed as a pipe-dream that would never happen.  Well, now it IS happening and I feel so grateful for the opportunity.  I can't wait to share it with you all!  The second project is also something that I have wanted to do for a very long time, but again, I didn't think that I would ever get the opportunity - I thought I'd missed the boat on that one completely, but now the chance has come along for me to bring that vision to life in my writing as well.  I feel very lucky.

To my mind, there is nothing better than riding beautiful horses and ponies in the morning, then returning home to settle into my study and start writing my dream projects.  I'm also planning to return to ice-skating at some stage this winter too, all being well and I am going to an ice-dance show in December, so that should get me in the mood for skating again. 

It's awesome that this is my life and that I get to do all the things I love once more.  After months of restrictions and lock-downs, it is wonderful to have my horsey, happy writer's life back again; to have things to look forward to again. I never take it for granted and I'm sure I'm not the only one who is just thrilled to have a life again, because life after a pandemic feels even more magical!

Blessed Be

Marie x 

BOOK NOOK; Beswitched by Kate Saunders

 

"Flora looked down at her own arm, and her heart did a somersault of shock. Instead of her long-sleeved T-shirt, she appeared to be wearing a dark green jacket.  Something was throttling her neck uncomfortably - a green tie with red stripes, like the tie her dad wore to his office. How did that get there? She had never worn a tie in her life. Had she been knocked out and kidnapped and forced into someone else's clothes? No, don't be silly."

As a child, I used to love reading old-fashioned boarding school stories.  I devoured Malory Towers, St. Clare's, Trebizon and The Chalet School series, so I was delighted when I was sent this middle grade book, Beswitched, for review purposes.  

Yes, it's a children's book, but it's also a great story and I have always believed that good stories are for everyone, regardless of age.  I've had it on my shelf for a few weeks, but I wanted to wait until I could devote an entire day to reading it.  That day was today and it has honestly been one of the most nostalgic books I've read in a long time.

Although the protagonist, Flora, is very much a twenty-first century twelve year-old, this book is full of old-fashioned charm. I immediately felt like a girl again, as I excitedly curled up with a bag of sweets and a brand new boarding school story to read! I wasn't a bit disappointed. 

Flora is sent off to a modern boarding school for a couple of terms, so that her parents can create a granny flat above their garage and have her grandmother come to live with them.  As a spoilt child of our times, Flora isn't happy about this at all.  Even less so when her train journey somehow takes her back in time and she ends up in 1935 and at a totally different kind of school!

Here she must sleep in a dormitory and wear a hideous school uniform. There are no hot showers, no posh hair products and she has to do Prep every night after a full day of classes. There are no laptops, mobile phones or internet to help with school work. She has to use her own brain for everything.  Add to this the pressure that she knows all about the Second World War that's coming but is powerless to stop it, and she feels the arrogance of the British Empire as it is in full swing, and Flora could be forgiven for having a sulky tantrum or two.

But all is not what it seems at St Winifred's School - students are dabbling in spells and witchcraft!  Flora makes new friends and they introduce her to a whole new world and a more modest way of living.  Will she ever find her way back home again, to her own time?

This is a lovely book for any young girl who loves school stories, or for any grown adult who used to love school stories!  It has all the charm of an Enid Blyton book without any of the problematic issues those stories are now frequently condemned for i.e classism, racism, sexism - all the isms really.  

In fact, Beswitched addressed these issues in a totally unique way, carefully considering them through the lens of the past without actually condoning them.  This book also highlights how much modern kids take for granted and how easy they have it compared to their grandparents.  It's a great historical and social commentary, told in a way that children can understand and relate to.  I did guess the ending, but I think that's because I'm an adult reader, not a child. Youngsters probably won't see it coming - they just don't think that far ahead! 

I think Beswitched will be popular with school teachers and parents alike.   It's certainly a nice little book and I have enjoyed reading it.  It really was like stepping back in time, into my own childhood reading habits! I highly recommend it as bedtime reading if you have kids - or even if you don't.   It's a simply spiffing read! 

BB Marie x

AD: This book was sent to me by the publisher for review purposes.  It is available now.