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| Its a long post so grab a cuppa! |
Christmas can be a dangerous time for women and children, with rates of domestic violence and sexual abuse increasing during the festive period. This is an uncomfortable truth that society as a whole shies away from. It doesn't align with the tinsel-touting message of it being the season of comfort and joy. It is much easier to imagine happy families gathered around the Christmas tree, smiling, laughing and opening gifts, or to think of loving couples going out on festive dates together and enjoying the extra time with one another. However, the fact is that many women and children face a torrent of abuse during the Christmas and New Year period.
With the alcohol flowing freely and time off from work, tempers can be quick to spark. A little joke or gentle teasing can be enough to flare up someone's temper and suddenly the Christmas cheer has evaporated and fists start flying. Drunkenness and drug use, which numb logical thinking, can also increase the risk of someone becoming violent and aggressive. What started out as festive family-fun may end with a sudden attack, resulting in a battered wife or beaten kids.
Add to that the increase in sexual attacks too, with office parties, nightclubs, pubs, concerts and theatres all being prime hunting ground for any predator. You might not know that you have been working alongside a sexual predator until you become his next victim, because these individuals tend to be adept at masking their true nature. But Christmas joviality and drunkenness is the perfect excuse for them to get a little too close, a little too friendly, a little too into the rough play.
In clubs, pubs and concerts you need to watch out for drink spiking or being hit with a rape injection on the dancefloor. If a stranger offers to help you outside, or take you somewhere quieter, say no. Find a bouncer or member of staff to help you instead, or go to the bar and ask to speak to Angela - in the UK, this is the national code word to let staff know that you are in trouble and need help. Personally I think we should have similar national code words in hospitals and hotels too, because sometimes the predators are in trusted positions of power and we need a way to escape them. Try not to get into a taxi alone and stay with your friends, travelling home together, even if this means a sleepover at a mate's house. If you notice that your pee is a pretty colour, such as pink, red, purple or blue, this is a sure indication that your drink was spiked. Don't ignore it - that nice chap you were chatting too could be the one who spiked your drink. Take action and either ask for Angela or leave the venue with your friends and get yourself home as soon as you can.
It's unfortunate that women have to think of these things, that we need to have contingency plans in place before we head out for a festive drink or go to a party, but until men change their predatory nature, its just something we have to do. After all, A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do, as Kathleen Baty would say. Predators will always target the vulnerable and those they deem easy prey, so take steps to make sure you do not present yourself to the world in this way. Better to be called a bitch for being a bit spiky, than to trust the wrong man and regret it. Just because a man seems nice, doesn't mean that he is safe. He could be using a charm offensive to reel you in.
Even the nicest of men have a habit of using the bait and switch tactic on women they are interested in. By this I mean that he will begin the relationship full of care and consideration for you, he will be gentle and tender towards you, he might even indulge in a bit of future-faking too. That's the bait. It's what draws you in and sparks your interest in him. Once he sees that you are falling for him however, he will make the switch, suddenly turning on you and becoming arrogant and obnoxious. He might deliberately pick a fight, just to see how you respond. His words are likely to be brutal and cruel. He does this because he wants to know how much he can get away with and how capable you are at standing up for yourself. Once he has tested the ground and assessed the strength of your boundaries, he becomes soft and sweet to you again.
Such behaviour can be very confusing - and it is designed to be! He reels you in just to give you a psychological slap in the face, when all you did was show that you like him. As he oscillates between a charm offensive and brutal word-play, he is using a basic power game to keep you off kilter, to make you unsure of yourself, unsure of him and of the relationship. Then he will accuse you of being insecure, or he will berate you for not trusting him!
And they ALL seem to do this! They even joke about it like its funny, referring to it as 'a tiff', when in actual fact what it was is mental cruelty and emotional abuse. And its not okay.
Of course, couples will always have differences of opinion, even arguments at times. That's a natural aspect of any relationship, but if he is deliberately picking fights with you, making you cry so often you begin to think twice before you say anything because you don't want to upset him (?!) that's not just a difference of opinion. That's abuse. As a result of this behaviour, you become extremely guarded, quiet, and more reserved in your communication. That's how men have successfully silenced women for centuries.
So why do women endure this dynamic within their intimate relationships? It's because we have been trained from a very young age to do just that. If you grew up with brothers, as I did, you were trained to endure his teasing and bullying, before accepting his gruff hug as an apology. You were told to stop sulking and play nice. In society we are told to let it go and move on, forgive and forget, to kiss and make up. In this way, girls are trained to become the women who will accept such behaviour from men.
In psychotherapy we call this relational dynamic the abuse and reconciliation cycle. He is charming, then brutal, then charming again. Over and over, sometimes for years or decades. This cycle of behaviour can include the verbal and emotional abuse stated above, but it can also mean physical and/or sexual abuse too. And the thing about abuse is - it escalates. A push becomes a shove, which becomes a slap, which becomes a beating. Understanding the patterns of abuse and the psychology of abusive men is essential learning for all women, I believe, because how else will you recognise it in time to get out before its too late?
And men need to understand that when they lose their temper and become angry, perhaps even breaking and smashing things, it can be very intimidating to a woman. Men are naturally much bigger and stronger than we are, and even if they have no intention of physically harming us, we don't know that! All we feel is the threat of a potential attack. Seriously lads, either simmer down, or take it to the gym.
When I lived with my ex-fiancé we didn't have one good Christmas. Not one. In the seven years we lived together, each festive season would follow the same pattern. I'd put the tree up, full of love and and hope that this would be a lovely season for both of us, that we would make our own traditions. Then the nights out with his mates and the festive parties would begin. His workplace party was usually the trigger for his excessive drinking etc., and he would come home in the early hours, rolling drunk and aggressive. He would pick a fight with me, sometimes even waking me up in the middle of the night just to argue. And then the shit-show would really kick off - punching walls and doors, smashing my things (always my stuff, never his), screaming in my face etc, before the grand finale when he would pick up the carefully decorated Christmas tree and throw it across the room, sparks flying as the fairy lights were ripped apart.
The implication was "Me big man! Me throw plastic tree! Huh!" It would have been funny - if it hadn't been so intimidating, as it was meant to be.
I should never have endured it for so long. But I did. I had nowhere else to go.
Every year I was with him the Christmas tree would go flying across the room. Every. Single. Year. One year, he followed it up by flinging his plate of Christmas dinner across the room too, then a couple of minutes later he announced that he was going to his mother's house because there was "nothing to eat here!" His mother fed him like a king, happy to have her precious little boy home on Christmas Day. I often wonder if he ever told her why he'd turned up unexpectedly, if he ever confessed his brutally bad behaviour towards me to his own family? Somehow, I doubt it. Not that they would have cared. They would have found it funny. They didn't much like me anyway.
Of course, in floods of tears, I cleaned up the mess, as women always do. I righted the tree. I rehung the baubles that could be salvaged, swept up the broken ones and put them in the bin, threw my dinner in the bin too. No appetite for it now. What was the point? Christmas was already destroyed - and by the very man who claimed to love me. There were other incidents too, like the time he pushed and held my head under water when I was in the bath, or the time he pulled a knife and suggested we make a suicide pact because, in his words, "You'd do it if you loved me". His hero was Sid Vicious which I think was the inspiration behind that particular moment - the whole Sid and Nancy thing. Needless to say, it was pretty scary.
I didn't tell anyone about the things that had happened. I kept it all to myself. When the man you love becomes the threat and your home becomes unsafe, what do you do, where do you go? When a man makes the choice to use his strength against you - and it is a choice - how do you respond? Hide, fight back and risk escalation, or endure it? You endure, until you can endure it no longer. I was young, in my early twenties, and I didn't understand then that domestic abuse, or any kind of abuse, doesn't always mean a punch in the face. You don't have to have cuts and bruises or broken bones to be in an abusive relationship. But it took me a while to understand that.
I remember the day when the penny finally dropped. It was summer. He'd had another tantrum and stormed out of the house. I was on my hands and knees, sobbing as I cleaned up broken glass and wiped my blood from the floor. My blood, never his. Then time just stopped, in a moment of crystal clear clarity - I sat back on my haunches and said to myself "This is abuse. This isn't love. I'm in an abusive relationship. How did that happen? I need to get out" And that was the start of the extraction process, as I began to make plans to end the engagement and make a fresh start on my own.
That was back in summer 1999. I broke up with him that September and ended our engagement. We never got as far as planning the wedding. Thank God! He wasn't receptive to the breakup, as abusive men don't like to lose control, so I had another six months of hell as he was regularly arrested by the police for his menacing and aggressive stalking. Another long, six months before I finally thought of myself as being free. It was one of the hardest times of my life and I wasn't yet 25.
And people wonder why I'm single.
I have lived alone and been commitment phobic ever since! Once bitten, twice shy. I spend Christmas alone now, or with my mum. Its safer that way. Solitude is the safest place I know. Abuse of any kind leaves lasting, but often invisible scars. Each year when I put up my pretty pink tree, I think back to that time in my life. I hang pretty, fairytale ornaments knowing that they will be treasured, rather than trashed, that the tree will be dismantled and put away properly in the New Year, rather than destroyed.
I think back to that time as I decorate my tree. I think of all the women who are also decorating their trees and hoping for a lovely festive season. Then I send a little prayer of strength to those women who, like my younger self, will witness their carefully decorated tree fly across the room this Christmas, at the hands of the man they love and adore. Or perhaps they will endure something much worse.
Yes, Christmas can be a dangerous time for women and children. 1 in 4 women experiences some form of domestic abuse in her lifetime and 45% of all adult female murder victims are killed by a current or ex-partner, according to Refuge. It's not paranoia to take steps towards your personal safety. It's survival. This post highlights fragments of my own story, but there are many others who have had similar experiences.
But remember dearest one, Christmas trees are not meant to fly.
So if your tree takes flight across the house this year, it is trying to tell you that you are in a bad place and you need to get out. It's not easy, it can be difficult, but it is possible.
In which case, the links below may prove useful to you. These are free charity services and they are there to help. Remember that if you and your children are in immediate danger to call 999 and ask for the police, or ask to order a pizza - this is another code word to let the operator know you need help but aren't safe to speak openly. Or you can simply tap on your phone and they will guide you from there.
Domestic and sexual abuse are both rife within our society and sadly the same woman can often experience different types and levels of abuse at different times in her life. That's not unusual. It's just one of the things society turns a bind eye to. But please don't. If you suspect someone you know is being abused, please don't turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. Reach out. Softly, gently and with compassion. You might be saving a life.
I wish you all nothing but peace, joy and safety, throughout the festive season and beyond.
Blessed and Protected Be
Marie x
Refuge - for help with Domestic Abuse.
Rape Crisis - for help in the aftermath of Rape & Sexual Assault.
Shelter - for help with Homelessness (including displacement due to domestic abuse).
Karma Nirvana - for help with Honour Based Abuse & Forced Marriage
Samaritans - for General Support and Sign-Posting to other services.
Childline - for youngsters under 19 who need Help & Support
Symptoms of Domestic Abuse - interesting article that's worth reading - knowledge is power
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker - an important book that could actually save your life one day.
