ONCE UPON A NIGHTMARE: Christmas Crises

 

Its a long post so grab a cuppa! 

Christmas can be a dangerous time for women and children, with rates of domestic violence and sexual abuse increasing during the festive period. This is an uncomfortable truth that society as a whole shies away from. It doesn't align with the tinsel-touting message of it being the season of comfort and joy. It is much easier to imagine happy families gathered  around the Christmas tree, smiling, laughing and opening gifts, or to think of loving couples going out on festive dates together and enjoying the extra time with one another. However, the fact is that many women and children face a torrent of abuse during the Christmas and New Year period.

With the alcohol flowing freely and time off from work, tempers can be quick to spark. A little joke or gentle teasing can be enough to flare up someone's temper and suddenly the Christmas cheer has evaporated and fists start flying. Drunkenness and drug use, which numb logical thinking, can also increase the risk of someone becoming violent and aggressive. What started out as festive family-fun may end with a sudden attack, resulting in a battered wife or beaten kids. 

Add to that the increase in sexual attacks too, with office parties, nightclubs, pubs, concerts and theatres all being prime hunting ground for any predator. You might not know that you have been working alongside a sexual predator until you become his next victim, because these individuals tend to be adept at masking their true nature.  But Christmas joviality and drunkenness is the perfect excuse for them to get a little too close, a little too friendly, a little too into the rough play. 

In clubs, pubs and concerts you need to watch out for drink spiking or being hit with a rape injection on the dancefloor. If a stranger offers to help you outside, or take you somewhere quieter, say no. Find a bouncer or member of staff to help you instead, or go to the bar and ask to speak to Angela - in the UK, this is the national code word to let staff know that you are in trouble and need help. Personally I think we should have similar national code words in hospitals and hotels too, because sometimes the predators are in trusted positions of power and we need a way to escape them. Try not to get into a taxi alone and stay with your friends, travelling home together, even if this means a sleepover at a mate's house. If you notice that your pee is a pretty colour, such as pink, red, purple or blue, this is a sure indication that your drink was spiked. Don't ignore it - that nice chap you were chatting too could be the one who spiked your drink. Take action and either ask for Angela or leave the venue with your friends and get yourself home as soon as you can. 

It's unfortunate that women have to think of these things, that we need to have contingency plans in place before we head out for a festive drink or go to a party, but until men change their predatory nature, its just something we have to do. After all, A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do, as Kathleen Baty would say. Predators will always target the vulnerable and those they deem easy prey, so take steps to make sure you do not present yourself to the world in this way. Better to be called a bitch for being a bit spiky, than to trust the wrong man and regret it.  Just because a man seems nice, doesn't mean that he is safe. He could be using a charm offensive to reel you in. 

Even the nicest of men have a habit of using the bait and switch tactic on women they are interested in. By this I mean that he will begin the relationship full of care and consideration for you, he will be gentle and tender towards you, he might even indulge in a bit of future-faking too. That's the bait. It's what draws you in and sparks your interest in him.  Once he sees that you are falling for him however, he will make the switch, suddenly turning on you and becoming arrogant and obnoxious. He might deliberately pick a fight, just to see how you respond. His words are likely to be brutal and cruel.  He does this because he wants to know how much he can get away with and how capable you are at standing up for yourself.  Once he has tested the ground and assessed the strength of your boundaries, he becomes soft and sweet to you again. 

Such behaviour can be very confusing - and it is designed to be! He reels you in just to give you a psychological slap in the face, when all you did was show that you like him. As he oscillates between a charm offensive and brutal word-play, he is using a basic power game to keep you off kilter, to make you unsure of yourself, unsure of him and of the relationship. Then he will accuse you of being insecure, or he will berate you for not trusting him! 

And they ALL seem to do this! They even joke about it like its funny, referring to it as 'a tiff', when in actual fact what it was is mental cruelty and emotional abuse.  And its not okay. 

Of course, couples will always have differences of opinion, even arguments at times. That's a natural aspect of any relationship, but if he is deliberately picking fights with you, making you cry so often you begin to think twice before you say anything because you don't want to upset him (?!) that's not just a difference of opinion. That's abuse. As a result of this behaviour, you become extremely guarded, quiet, and more reserved in your communication. That's how men have successfully silenced women for centuries. 

So why do women endure this dynamic within their intimate relationships? It's because we have been trained from a very young age to do just that. If you grew up with brothers, as I did, you were trained to endure his teasing and bullying, before accepting his gruff hug as an apology. You were told to stop sulking and play nice. In society we are told to let it go and move on, forgive and forget, to kiss and make up. In this way, girls are trained to become the women who will accept such behaviour from men. 

In psychotherapy we call this relational dynamic the abuse and reconciliation cycle. He is charming, then brutal, then charming again. Over and over, sometimes for years or decades. This cycle of behaviour can include the verbal and emotional abuse stated above, but it can also mean physical and/or sexual abuse too. And the thing about abuse is - it escalates. A push becomes a shove, which becomes a slap, which becomes a beating. Understanding the patterns of abuse and the psychology of abusive men is essential learning for all women, I believe, because how else will you recognise it in time to get out before its too late? 

And men need to understand that when they lose their temper and become angry, perhaps even breaking and smashing things, it can be very intimidating to a woman. Men are naturally much bigger and stronger than we are, and even if they have no intention of physically harming us, we don't know that! All we feel is the threat of a potential attack. Seriously lads, either simmer down, or take it to the gym.

When I lived with my ex-fiancé we didn't have one good Christmas. Not one. In the seven years we lived together, each festive season would follow the same pattern. I'd put the tree up, full of love and and hope that this would be a lovely season for both of us, that we would make our own traditions. Then the nights out with his mates and the festive parties would begin. His workplace party was usually the trigger for his excessive drinking etc., and he would come home in the early hours, rolling drunk and aggressive. He would pick a fight with me, sometimes even waking me up in the middle of the night just to argue. And then the shit-show would really kick off - punching walls and doors, smashing my things (always my stuff, never his), screaming in my face etc, before the grand finale when he would pick up the carefully decorated Christmas tree and throw it across the room, sparks flying as the fairy lights were ripped apart.

 The implication was "Me big man! Me throw plastic tree! Huh!"  It would have been funny - if it hadn't been so intimidating, as it was meant to be. 

I should never have endured it for so long. But I did. I had nowhere else to go. 

Every year I was with him the Christmas tree would go flying across the room. Every. Single. Year.  One year, he followed it up by flinging his plate of Christmas dinner across the room too, then a couple of minutes later he announced that he was going to his mother's house because there was "nothing to eat here!"  His mother fed him like a king, happy to have her precious little boy home on Christmas Day. I often wonder if he ever told her why he'd turned up unexpectedly, if he ever confessed his brutally bad behaviour towards me to his own family? Somehow, I doubt it. Not that they would have cared. They would have found it funny. They didn't much like me anyway.

Of course, in floods of tears, I cleaned up the mess, as women always do. I righted the tree. I rehung the baubles that could be salvaged, swept up the broken ones and put them in the bin, threw my dinner in the bin too. No appetite for it now.  What was the point? Christmas was already destroyed - and by the very man who claimed to love me. There were other incidents too, like the time he pushed and held my head under water when I was in the bath, or the time he pulled a knife and suggested we make a suicide pact because, in his words, "You'd do it if you loved me". His hero was Sid Vicious which I think was the inspiration behind that particular moment - the whole Sid and Nancy thing. Needless to say, it was pretty scary.

I didn't tell anyone about the things that had happened. I kept it all to myself. When the man you love becomes the threat and your home becomes unsafe, what do you do, where do you go? When a man makes the choice to use his strength against you - and it is a choice - how do you respond? Hide, fight back and risk escalation, or endure it? You endure, until you can endure it no longer. I was young, in my early twenties, and I didn't understand then that domestic abuse, or any kind of abuse, doesn't always mean a punch in the face. You don't have to have cuts and bruises or broken bones to be in an abusive relationship. But it took me a while to understand that. 

I remember the day when the penny finally dropped. It was summer. He'd had another tantrum and stormed out of the house. I was on my hands and knees, sobbing as I cleaned up broken glass and wiped my blood from the floor. My blood, never his.  Then time just stopped, in a moment of crystal clear clarity - I sat back on my haunches and said to myself "This is abuse. This isn't love. I'm in an abusive relationship. How did that happen? I need to get out"  And that was the start of the extraction process, as I began to make plans to end the engagement and make a fresh start on my own. 

That was back in summer 1999. I broke up with him that September and ended our engagement. We never got as far as planning the wedding. Thank God! He wasn't receptive to the breakup, as abusive men don't like to lose control, so I had another six months of hell as he was regularly arrested by the police for his menacing and aggressive stalking. Another long, six months before I finally thought of myself as being free. It was one of the hardest times of my life and I wasn't yet 25.

And people wonder why I'm single.

I have lived alone and been commitment phobic ever since! Once bitten, twice shy. I spend Christmas alone now, or with my mum. Its safer that way. Solitude is the safest place I know. Abuse of any kind leaves lasting, but often invisible scars. Each year when I put up my pretty pink tree, I think back to that time in my life. I hang pretty, fairytale ornaments knowing that they will be treasured, rather than trashed, that the tree will be dismantled and put away properly in the New Year, rather than destroyed. 

I think back to that time as I decorate my tree. I think of all the women who are also decorating their trees and hoping for a lovely festive season. Then I send a little prayer of strength to those women who, like my younger self, will witness their carefully decorated tree fly across the room this Christmas, at the hands of the man they love and adore. Or perhaps they will endure something much worse. 

Yes, Christmas can be a dangerous time for women and children. 1 in 4 women experiences some form of domestic abuse in her lifetime and 45% of all adult female murder victims are killed by a current or ex-partner, according to Refuge. It's not paranoia to take steps towards your personal safety. It's survival.  This post highlights fragments of my own story, but there are many others who have had similar experiences.

But remember dearest one, Christmas trees are not meant to fly. 

So if your tree takes flight across the house this year, it is trying to tell you that you are in a bad place and you need to get out. It's not easy, it can be difficult, but it is possible. 

In which case, the links below may prove useful to you. These are free charity services and they are there to help.  Remember that if you and your children are in immediate danger to call 999 and ask for the police, or ask to order a pizza - this is another code word to let the operator know you need help but aren't safe to speak openly. Or you can simply tap on your phone and they will guide you from there.

Domestic and sexual abuse are both rife within our society and sadly the same woman can often experience different types and levels of abuse at different times in her life. That's not unusual. It's just one of the things society turns a bind eye to. But please don't. If you suspect someone you know is being abused, please don't turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. Reach out. Softly, gently and with compassion. You might be saving a life. 

I wish you all nothing but peace, joy and safety, throughout the festive season and beyond.

Blessed and Protected Be

Marie x

Refuge - for help with Domestic Abuse. 

Rape Crisis - for help in the aftermath of Rape & Sexual Assault.

Shelter - for help with Homelessness (including displacement due to domestic abuse). 

Karma Nirvana - for help with Honour Based Abuse & Forced Marriage

Samaritans - for General Support and Sign-Posting to other services.

Childline - for youngsters under 19 who need Help & Support

Symptoms of Domestic Abuse - interesting article that's worth reading - knowledge is power

The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker - an important book that could actually save your life one day. 

BOOK NOOK: The Unwinding by Jackie Morris

"And so it seemed to her that he had always been a part of the landscape of her life, this great white bear. She brought him rosehips to sweeten his days, tried to explain how, once they had been flowers, but now were seeds. 

He had never seen a rose.  He told her stories, coloured with every shade of white, and spoke of a sky that danced with lights..." 

The Unwinding and Other Dreamings by Jackie Morris, is a book that I reach for every winter season. It is a tiny little book, but one that is filled with so much charm it lingers in the mind long after the final page has been read. It also features my favourite illustrations by this artist - a red curtained wagon, hung with glowing lanterns and filled with shelves of books, like a mobile library, which is being pulled along by a great white bear. The bear is ridden by a lady with long dark, Rapunzel hair and she reads as she goes, lost in her world of words and dreams. Later in the book she is shown sleeping peacefully with her polar bear as their dreams mingle to become one story of love and devotion. She is a storyteller and a collector of dreams, and she and her ice bear travel the world with their Library of Lost Dreams and Half-Imagined Things. 

As the title suggests, this is a book of dreamings and imaginings, lavishly illustrated with the author's stunning watercolour artworks, it is a book that is designed to dip in and out of, to read slowly as you savour each story.  The fairytales presented here are fantastical and whimsical, set in snowy landscapes and autumnal woodlands. There are fourteen tales in all, each one unique and lyrical and the book ends with a magical blessing of the wild creatures. 

In this little volume of winter magic you will find the dreams of the ice bears, a fox wedding, moon gazing hares,  a new take on Little Red Riding Hood, winged monkeys, fish that fly and the queen of winter.  There are philosophical questions such as what are the shapes of your dreams and where does love reside? Is a story really just a series of questions and answers or something more, and do all questions need an answer to be valid, or are the questions valid in themselves? Where do dreams come from, how do they take form in our mind and can we dream something into being, into our reality? I believe that we can.

This gorgeous book is full of wisdom that will lead you to ask yourself such questions and possibly many more too. It is a book that makes you think, makes you dream, makes you long to dance on a boat in the arms of a polar bear, and dream of a love that thrives in the space between the notes of a bird's song. The author has prescribed this book like medicine, "Take one story last thing at night before bed, then tuck the book beneath your pillow..." It is certainly a lovely distraction from stress and anxiety, leading the reader to a calming realm of fantasy, fairytale and the enduring, unconditional love we can find in our animal friends. It would make a great stocking filler for an older child, teenager or anyone who loves fairytales and beautiful artwork of a whimsical nature. 

The Unwinding and Other Dreamings is the kind of book you will want to curl up with on Christmas Eve, so that you can be spirited away by the dancing ice bears to their realm of icicle dreams and visions of snowy splendour.  "But if you wake to the light to find a book beside your bed - small, bound in beautiful covers - then you will know that in the night they travelled past, that you were dreaming, even if the waking has swept the memory of your dream far from you. You will know they followed the scent..." and visited you in the wee small hours of the night!

Enjoy the dreaming! Wishing you a peaceful and blessed winter season, wherever you are. Have a wonderful day. 😺 

With love from,

Marie x🫶

SLIPPERS & SKATES: Defying Gravity On Ice

Today I went to see the Christmas ice dance show at my local ice rink, where I used to skate. They put on a new show every December and I have been to a few of them, but I think that the performance I watched today is the best one they have ever done. It is called Defying Gravity and it is an amalgamation of The Wizard of Oz, Wicked and Wicked for Good, all with a festive twist.

As soon as I walked into the rink I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me. It was so nice to be back there again. It is a place that is very familiar to me, and it used to be a source of comfort and relaxation. I haven't skated in quite a while and today just served to remind me of how much I miss it. I miss the glide. I miss the whisper of the blades. I miss the smell of the ice as it welcomes you in. I miss all of it, so it was lovely to be back there again, watching some very talented young skaters bring an epic story to life on the ice. 

The costumes were amazing - some were very similar to those in the films, especially Glinda's beautiful pink gowns! They were just stunning and it was clear that a lot of hard work had gone into making this performance as true to the original source material as possible, while still making it viable for skating.  They had three different skaters dancing the lead roles of Glinda and Elphaba, I suppose because it might have been too much for one skater to be constantly on the ice, and this way more girls got a chance at skating these iconic characters. 

The chorus line was made up of skaters of all ages, from the tiniest little tots to adults, all in bedazzling costumes, skating their hearts out for a full house. Some of the costumes had lights on them, others had LED butterfly wings that flashed in bright colours. It was a feast for the eyes! Ariana's voice belted across the rink as the skaters danced their numbers to the movie soundtracks and it was simply spectacular. I was grinning from ear to ear for the entire performance.

They mixed in pop music such as Kylie and Katy Perry and lots and lots of Christmas songs as the skaters wore festive red costumes with white faux fur trim, enjoying Christmas in the Emerald City. I think my favourite aspects of the show were the scenes recreated from the movies - We're Off To See The Wizard, What Is This Feeling, Popular, Dancing Through Life, Changed For Good, Girl In The Bubble and of course, Defying Gravity.  I also liked the cheeky chair dance the Shiz schoolgirls did to the classic Pussycat Dolls song, Buttons, at their first sight of Prince Fiyero - that made me giggle because we've all been bowled over by a mad crush at a young age! It was a fun and flirty dance, aimed at getting Fiyero's attention. 

It was a lovely show, with some very graceful performances. Many of the skaters are medal winners and champions, so you get to enjoy top class figure skating for a fraction of the usual ticket price. It would cost twice as much to see Disney on Ice, and probably even more for professional figure skating championship tickets, so a trip to the local ice rink is great value for money. And they work so hard on these shows all year long, adapting popular fairytales, movies and books into viable ice dance shows, creating choreography, rehearsing, making costumes and scenery etc, it would be such a shame to miss it. 

I'm certainly very glad I went to see the show today. It was beautiful and full of fairytale magic. It was the perfect start to the festive season. Most ice rinks have some kind of event on over the Christmas period, so see what your own local rink has to offer this month. Who knows, you might even be inspired to take up ice skating as a new hobby in 2026. 

I'm certainly considering dusting off my own pretty figure skates and legwarmers! But that will be later on next year, as I have new books to write first of all.  In the meantime, I'm going to make a hot chocolate and watch one of my skating films - I think an Ice Princess and Ice Castles double bill might be on the cards tonight. 

Happy skating!

Marie x

 

WRITER'S DREAM: My Anxiety Relief Card Deck!

 

"Most of all, bear in mind that today can be a great day, tomorrow is a better day and that all shall be well in the future."

On the 1st of November my Anxiety Relief Toolkit was published. However, I have been so busy this month that I haven't had a chance to post about it until now.  This was one of those commissioned projects that made me think "Yes! My editor just gets me and she knows the direction I'm heading with my writing!"  This is my very first full length project that is pure psychology - so no witchery! As such it is being published under my first name of Jacqueline Bruce, which is my second author brand for all my psychology work. 

When my editor first asked me to write a book on overcoming anxiety, I was very excited. Then when she asked if we could possibly make it a card deck, I jumped at the chance and couldn't wait to get writing the book and creating the cards! I had so many ideas, not just in terms of content, but in terms of the overall look of the kit, so I quickly fired an email right back to her, suggesting colours, imagery, themes etc., which she then passed on to the design team.

Anxiety is so debilitating to those who suffer from it, so I wanted my kit to be a safe space for them to turn to. I wanted soft, pastel shades of pink, baby blue, lemon, peach, lilac and pistachio green. I wanted beautiful watercolour artwork and imagery such as butterflies, gliding swans, flying birds, clouds, mountains, trees, leaves, lions and soft beachy waves. So basically, I wanted pretty Laduree colours and soft watercolour images inspired by nature! 

My main goal was to make the kit visually soothing, calming the reader from the moment they opened up the box. I wanted it to be a pretty little toolkit of psychological medicine - I am a psychotherapist after all, so calming and soothing people is just what I do. I'm delighted to say that the team have done everything I asked for and the final book and card deck is so soft and dreamy, with imagery that blossoms across the page and blooms on the cards. It's simply beautiful and I'm so happy with how it turned out. 

The 50 cards are flashcards that act as little prompts and reminders, and which can be used singularly or in conjunction with one another to build up a calming ritual.  I have split the deck into five categories: Affirmations, Self-Soothing, Trigger-Calming, Journal Prompts and Self-Nurturing, making it easier for readers to access the kind of cards they need most at any given moment of crisis, overwhelm or anxiety. Each card describes a psychotherapy based technique and is designed to help readers overcome anxious feelings or bring someone down from the psychological ledge! 

The book is packed with psychological techniques and information, based on my experience of working with clients in practice as a psychotherapist. Like the cards, it is beautifully illustrated with soft watercolour themes inspired by nature, but which also speak of freedom, flight, transformation, strength, grace, gentleness, rebirth and resilience. I put so much thought into how this kit would make readers feel - I wanted it to be like a warm hug from a good friend, a soft space they can land on when life is rough, a soothing experience when the road gets a little bumpy, as roads are wont to do at times. 

In addition, I felt that the cards should be a meditative experience in and of themselves, a beautiful antidote to doom scrolling! I wrote this project so that the cards are their own tool, one you can carry in your bag or pocket if you want to. They don't simply repeat the information I share in the book - that would be pointless. Instead, they each hold a kernel of  psychotherapy wisdom, with tips that can help you to feel better immediately. This meant that I managed to carve out greater word space to tackle more complex issues in the book, by offering more psychology techniques in the flashcards. It also means that when you're not in the mood for reading a book, say because you are feeling overwhelmed, you can pick out a couple of the flashcards and engage with this short form content instead. So simple. So soothing. So easy. And sooo pretty!! 

I was writing this book and card deck back in December/January time and it was a lovely writing experience. I was curled up by the Christmas tree writing away in the glow of the fairy lights, wishing only that the published work would find its way to those people who need it most. I feel such a strong sense of achievement when I am writing my psychotherapy projects. I spent years training, volunteering and working with clients, so to be able to share what I know through my published writing is an honour and a privilege. But then, that was the plan all along. 

I genuinely believe that The Anxiety Relief Toolkit is one of the most important projects I have ever written, because it will help people in a very practical way, and much like my book, The Wiccan Guide to Self-Care, this book and card deck will guide people through hard times in a very soft and gentle way. It would also work well alongside my I Am Grateful Journal that was published earlier this year. 

Life can be tough, we all have challenges and difficulties to face, and everyone is struggling with something. This kit encourages softness as well as growth, surrender as well as strength, calm as well as courage and dreams as well as determination. 

It was a joy to write and to create these cards for you. I hope that it will prove helpful to all those who might be struggling, now and in the future.  And watch this space, because I have already written a second psychotherapy card deck too, as a companion to this one, so that will be out some time in 2026! Exciting times!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: This post promotes my own work, which is published as Jacqueline Bruce. 

The Anxiety Relief Toolkit by Jacqueline Bruce is out now in the UK. It is published on 3rd March 2026 in the USA. 

I Am Grateful: A Workbook to Beat Anxiety & Stress by Jacqueline Bruce is available now.

A Wiccan Guide to Self-Care by Marie Bruce is also available now. 

 

ONCE UPON A DREAM: Ant Middleton Unscripted Tour

 

It is after 11pm and I have just returned home from the Ant Middleton Live and Unscripted Tour.  This was my main birthday outing and I have been looking forward to it for months. Its the third time I have attended one of his seminar tours and I find them so interesting and inspiring. Tonight was no different.

It was a cold evening, so I got all bundled up in my long pink faux fur coat and headed into the city centre.  Once sitting in the theatre with a cosy drink, I settled back and waited for Ant to come along and work his SAS magic on me.  As usual the audience was mostly male, with lots of ex-military men who always shout out in response to Ant's questions such as 'Do we have any Marines in tonight? Any Para's?' and so on. It is generally clear that the bulk of Ant's audience is always men from the armed forces, and I do feel a little out of place, but I like the seminars so much, that its not enough to put me off. And if you're going to be surrounded by men, I'd much rather they were the highly disciplined sort! The man sitting next to me was called Greg and he had served in the Royal Marines. I got talking to him in the interval and he seemed like a nice chap. He was very attentive to me and my mother, making sure that we could see okay because we are petite and discussing Ant's books with me. I love a man who can talk books! So that was nice.

Ant was his usual opinionated self, warning people at the outset that there is nothing WOKE or politically correct about his shows. He often just says what a lot of us are thinking - like why is the British flag suddenly being taken down by police for 'inciting violence' and yet our soldiers are still expected to die violently for it? And why isn't the safety of British women and girls being taken more seriously by our own government? That said, this was not a political rally of any kind. It was simply a seminar where Ant spoke about his adventures as an explorer, mountaineer and soldier. 

I really enjoy hearing his stories, especially the military ones. He is an interesting speaker and his interactions with the audience can spiral into the hilarious at times. On this tour he did mini bootcamps, where he invited volunteers up on stage with him and proceeded to train them in the art of the perfect push up. Needless to say, I did not volunteer - I can't do any kind of push up, let alone a perfect one! I'd like to say its because my wrists are still weak, but the truth is I have never been able to do a single push up and its one of the things my Scots boys used to laugh at me for! The next task was even harder and Ant put volunteers into pairs and told them to stand back to back and link arms. Then they had to sit down and stand up on command, keeping their arms linked! It was very funny, as people struggled to get off the ground or fell over completely! 

I also enjoyed hearing about his plans to climb Mount Everest for the second time. He's going to do that next spring apparently. The phrase 'glutton for punishment' does spring to mind when he talks of all the risky things he's done and plans to do, but I guess he's just one of those people who need to push themselves constantly to be happy. Its not a lifestyle I would enjoy though - I'm far too bookish! 

The main thing I go to Ant's shows for is his motivational mentorship and good humour.  After the tough couple of years I've had with the accident last spring and then all the flashbacks of the hospital this year, I really needed a decent pep talk to get me feeling motivated and optimistic again and Ant Middleton has provided that in spades for me tonight. Its the reason I buy his tickets and books - because I know that they will act as a bit of a spring clean for my mind. He makes me feel like I can do practically anything if I put my mind to it - except climb Everest! I'll leave that to the experts. 

It has been a lovely seminar and I have enjoyed Ant's stories and banter. It was a lot of fun and I'm really glad I chose this as my main birthday outing. I went to see Wicked For Good on my birthday (it was brilliant!), but tonight was the main event and I enjoyed it so much.  Sadly there were no books or programmes on sale this time, but I have all his military self-help books so I'll probably re-read one of those. 

Ant Middleton's Live and Unscripted Tour is running until January 2026, so you might still be able to get tickets if you'd like to see him. Or you could always watch one of his TV shows. I liked Channel 4's Mutiny the best, where he recreates the sea voyage of Captain Bligh from Mutiny on the Bounty. Then of course there are all his excellent self-help books, so even if you can't get to the tour, you can still enjoy Ant's motivational work. 

I certainly had fun tonight. It was a lovely end to a prolonged birthday weekend and now I'm looking forward to the festive season!

Blessed be

Marie x

IVORY TOWER: Pink Shimmer Bedroom!

 

For the past few weeks I have been up to my eyes in wallpaper and paint, redecorating my bedroom and giving it a bit of a makeover. My inspiration was the series of background art images I purchased for my blog, pictured above and the Elven ambient video you can watch here - I love the soft pink world they portray, with roses and doves, books and candles. Its the kind of world I dream of. As a girl, I always had a pink bedroom, but as I grew older my tastes changed slightly, so I have been in the process of turning my deep royal purple room into a shimmering shade of light pink. This was much harder than I thought it would be and it took twice as long as I imagined!

I told my editor that I would be unavailable for the month of October, as I knew if I didn't book the time in to do it, it would never get done. I spent a while packing down all my belongings; clothes, makeup, perfumes, pictures, books etc;  I moved furniture to other rooms and then made a start in October. The room was finally finished at the weekend and I couldn't be happier with the result. It was very hard work and I'm pretty tired out by it, but it was well worth the effort. 

I wanted the room to be soft pink, but I also wanted it to glimmer, like my kitchen and hallway that I redecorated last autumn. They glow in the light and I wanted a similar effect in my bedroom. I chose a beautiful pink wallpaper that has a subtle shimmer in it and we covered every wall. Before, when the room was royal purple, it hugged you as you walked in - like a dark sanctuary. Now it feels like stepping into another realm - one of bright romance and optimism. The walls gleam and glimmer like starlight and when the sun comes in, the whole room lights up with a shimmering rosy glow. I have lots of chiffon and sparkly butterflies dotted around the room, and of course, my swan queens and unicorns. It wouldn't be my room without enchanted swans and magical horses!

I went all out and bought new crushed velvet curtains and bedspread in a soft blush pink, with new golden curtain poles to replace the old ones that had seen better days. I replaced the tired chrome knobs on a cupboard with sparkling new rose gold ones, and put up rose gold hooks for my dressing gowns. I painted the faded gold leaf accents on the bedstead in golden metal paint and I used leftover wallpaper to place new backing behind all my Pre-Raphaelite prints, so that they blend nicely into the pink walls. This makes the actual artwork stand out even more and it looks much nicer than the standard white background such prints usually come with.  I added iridescent bead curtains and pretty butterfly faceted crystal suncatchers to the windows, which make dainty rainbows dance around the room. My old a-ha framed posters were also given a makeover with a coat of sparkling glitter paint (because everything can be improved with a bit of shimmer!) and a few decoupage butterflies glued to the frames. My pretty Viking boys in pretty frames! They look so cute - I'm in love!

I found a hack on You Tube to turn your TV into a golden framed TV with a bit of inexpensive tape, so I did that too and I'm amazed at how well it turned out! My TV now looks like it has a rose gold frame and it looks so nice, I think I will do the TV in the lounge too.  I also got a new picture of glittering roses, which is just lovely. This room was quite a big project and I'd been putting it off for that very reason, but now its all finished, I'm so glad I did it. 

It's my birthday this week and so this room makeover is my birthday present to myself.  There are a couple of things I still need to do - I plan to place faux winter rose vines by the window frame, and hang a few sparkling crowns on the wall by the wardrobe, but I'm still waiting for those to arrive. I also need to spray paint the briar rose candle sconces I have as they are looking a bit worse for wear after all these years, so I'm going to give them a new lease of life with a coat of shimmering rose gold spray paint.  My mother also bought me a tall CD tower in white and a pink rug with roses on it for my birthday, so they are in place too. All in all it has come together quite well and I'm so pleased with how the room looks. 

I am very influenced by my surroundings and my mood is better when I am in a pretty place. I guess its the truth behind the saying 'tidy house, tidy mind'. That has always been true for me. I stayed at my mum's house while I decorated because I just wouldn't have been able to sleep amid so much chaos. Even now, there are all the boxes to unpack and things to organise and put away, but I can do that a box at a time. It will take a little while, but its a good excuse for a declutter and a reorganise, so I'm happy to do it. I'll probably just get everything squared away and it will be time to deck the halls for Yuletide!

For the most part the room is finished and I love the rosy glow it has. It looks pretty in all kinds of light, from sunlight to lamplight to candlelight - it simply shimmers! It feels very magical and it has renewed my own sense of enchantment. Everything sparkles and that sparks joy in me too. The room nurtures me and makes me feel like anything is possible once again. I had lost my sense of possibility I think, but now its back and with it a renewed optimism. 

Because I work from home I spend nearly all my time here, so I need my home to be as beautiful as I can make it. Transforming my bedroom was probably the best birthday present I could have given myself as it has really boosted my mood. Its just so pretty and I feel more like myself now that I have a pink bedroom again. Its a beautiful, glimmering, enchanting space to escape to when the world gets too much and I just need to retreat into a soft, peaceful space. 

My goal was to try and recreate the pink artwork of my blog background to the best of my ability - looking around my room I'd say that I have achieved that. This is still a magical room, but it is now much softer and more feminine, so it reflects the essence of my personality more accurately. With the dominant purple stripped away and replaced with the much softer pink, the room feels more fey than witchy, more enchanting, yet still quite regal in its own way.  It was hard work and time consuming, but the subsequent rosy glow has made it all worth while in the end and it feels like life is coming up roses again. Now all I need is an Elven Prince to charm me with his forever love... a girl can dream!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

BOOK NOOK: East of the Sun, West of the Moon by Jackie Morris

"So you are the one that should have had him. You are the one he waited for all those years and now he waits again. I hoped it was you when I found you in the woods, and wearing the necklace and all." 

The Norwegian fairytale East of the Sun, West of the Moon is one of my favourites and this novella version by the artist and illustrator, Jackie Morris, is a beautiful retelling. I have been dipping into it as I spent the last few weeks decorating my bedroom, and after long days up to my eyes in wallpaper and paint, reading a chapter or two each night has been the perfect way to unwind. The book sweeps you away to a cold Nordic landscape from the opening pages and it holds you fast in its grip until the very end.

Similar to Jackie Morris's other books, such as The Quiet Music of Gently Falling Snow, it is lavishly illustrated with beautiful watercolour images that dream into one another, lending an even greater sense of enchantment to an already magical fairytale.  It is a beautiful hardback book, with a slim ribbon bookmark attached and the image of a polar bear embossed in gold on the cover. I do love polar bears! 

In this story, a great white bear comes in the night and asks a young girl to spend a year and day with him at his castle in the far northern mountains. She agrees and soon learns to love the bear, though she suspects that he might be keeping secrets from her. When she learns what his secret is, the bear disappears and she is left bereft. Determined to find him, she embarks on a snowy adventure, seeking out the enchanted castle that lies East of the Sun, West of the Moon, where her beloved is being held captive. 

This retelling is told in a very traditional way, with all the usual tropes of a classic fairytale - there are three gifts, three magical sisters, seemingly impossible tasks, glamour magic, a seductive Trickster and elemental helpers. The tale whisks the reader along from quiet, gentle woodlands and through desert storms, culminating in a land of ice and snow at the very top of the world, where the bear-prince sleeps alone in his tower as he awaits his rescuing maiden. 

It is a stunning book and a very pretty retelling of a charming Nordic fairytale. The illustrations add to the atmosphere of the story, with polar bears aplenty, rich woodlands and snowscapes all brought to life with the expert stroke of the artist's brush. I especially like the Queen of the White Bears scene, with the Northern Lights in the background, its so pretty.  There is a twist at the end, and while personally I would have preferred a more traditional ending, this new ending is more in keeping with a modern reading audience. It is a nice ending, but I would have liked the original better and found it more satisfying, I think.

Having said that, East of the Sun, West of the Moon is a very charming book, with both the prose and images living up to the high expectations readers have for Morris's work. Its a lovely story to read as the darkness gathers and the nights draw in. The snowy setting makes it a perfect winter read in the run up to the festive season. It's like a polar bear hug in a book! And who wouldn't love to be friends with a polar bear? I know I would - I could do with a bear-hug! Enjoy.

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: This book is about to be re-released on 24th November 2025 and is up for Pre-Order now in hard cover format. 

BOOK NOOK: The Witching Hour

 " 'A general reading, then,' said Noelle, beginning the shuffle with more vigour than she meant, 'will reveal to you an insight into your past, present and future. It shall serve to help you understand the aspects of your life as it stands, and reveal to you the consequences of your intentions or actions. Will this suffice?' "

from A Midnight Visitor by Susan Stokes-Chapman

The Witching Hour: Ghostly Tales for the Darkest Nights is the third seasonal anthology of ghost stories to be published by Little, Brown Book Group, following on from The Haunting Season (2022) and The Winter Spirits (2023).  These collections have become firm favourites of mine for the dark season and this new edition is no exception. It features many of the same authors, including Bridget Collins, Natasha Pulley, Jess Kidd and Kiran Millwood Hargrave, to name a few, so you can be sure of the masterful storytelling contained within the beautiful covers of the book.

As the title suggests, the thirteen spooky tales in this particular anthology are all built upon the central theme of the midnight hour, when anything can happen and strange spirits come out to play. Each tale is complete in itself and together they create an atmospheric and macabre reading experience. The tone is traditional, akin to that of M R James, although the authors are all modern masters of the Gothic genre. 

In this anthology you will find a haunted dolls' house, a vengeful curse, teenage friends who refuse to be parted by death, a couple of modern ghost hunters and much more. Some of my particular favourites are The Signal Bells by Natasha Pulley which has a spooky fey slant (I would have accepted the invitation too!), The Midnight Visitor by Susan Stokes-Chapman in which a tarot reading goes awry, Feast by Kiran Milwood Hargrave where a midnight feast at a girl's boarding school has deadly consequences, and Macaw by Catriona Ward because it is narrated by an all-seeing parrot! I also very much enjoyed The Terror By Night by Bridget Collins for its dark academia vibes, and Dr Thrales Notebook by Michelle Paver which is set in snowy Norway and has macabre Frankensteinian elements to it. 

All in all, this is another fantastic anthology of ghost stories, just perfect for the dark winter nights.  The publication of these anthologies is something that lots of bookworms look forward to each autumn, and this new edition definitely lives up to the hype created by the first two volumes in the series.  I also like that the tales within The Witching Hour are all based around the same midnight theme, yet the stories are completely individual and unique. It is a companion volume that is certainly worth adding to the collection and the three books look stunning sitting together on a spooky bookshelf.  So dim the lights, burn a candle, curl up with this latest ghostly offering and wait for the clock to strike... Enjoy The Witching Hour!

Happy Hauntings!

Marie x

AD: This book was published by Little, Brown Book group on 16th October 2025 and it is available in hardcover, digital and audio formats. 

ONCE UPON A DREAM; Happy Birthday, Mr Scorpio!

 I'm a Scorpio, yeah the sexy jealous kind,

You had me when you said hi...Hi!

I'm feeling fireflies - oh my oh my!

It takes one to know one, so Happy Birthday, Mr Scorpio!

Love always, mo caraid, 

Marie

xxx

BOOK NOOK: Forest of Hearts by M A Kuzniar

 ' "Would you prefer the cold embrace of death?" I whispered seductively, apparently unable to play nice. Gods, this stranger, this huntsman, had creeped under my skin. His chuckle was deep, dark. Delicious.'

Forest of Hearts is a beautiful reimagining of the fairytale, Snow White, and the latest offering from bestselling fantasy author M A Kuzniar who wrote the wonderful novels Upon a Frosted Star and Midnight in Everwood. 

I really love this author's work so I was especially delighted when the publisher, Simon and Schuster, sent me a ARC for review prior to the book being released. I have been engrossed in it for the past couple of days and it has been a very surprising read. M A Kuzniar is best known for her literary reinterpretations of famous ballets and her work is full of sparkling enchantment that dances off the page like the sugarplum fairies and swan queens she writes about. This novel however, is something of a departure from the dazzling worlds she usually creates.  Instead of bright snowy landscapes and innocent girls entrapped in magical realms, Forest of Hearts takes place in a very dark forest and the main protagonist is not exactly innocent - she's a murderer.

In its original format, Snow White is quite a dark fairytale and this novel takes that darkness once step further, into the Gothic fantasy genre, where hearts are eaten for breakfast and PG rated sexual tension bubbles beneath the surface - it is a YA book after all. In this tale Snow White is called Elka, the huntsman becomes her ally and together they are out for vengeance against the wicked queen. 

It is quite a compelling read and perfectly pitched for its target audience. Teenage girls are going to devour this in one sitting! The dark forest setting gives it Twilight vibes and in some ways it reminded me of the film, Beastly, as the forest roots of her mother's curse snake beneath Elka's skin like poisonous tattoos. Add in the forbidden romance with the huntsman sent to kill her and you have a melting pot of magical mayhem, murder and tender hearted love. 

In Forest of Hearts you will find angels of death, helpful house spirits, fantastical creatures, a forest demon, the cutest baby dragon, glass coffins for the undead and lots of snippy banter between Elka and the huntsman. It retains the charm of the original fairytale, but mixes in darker themes as Elka tries to come to terms with her actions, her trauma and the things she has been forced to do just to survive. In this story the heroine is struggling to come to terms with her own shadow-self as much as anything else, trying desperately not to become a monster like her mother, yet still win the battle and emerge victorious. 

Its an enjoyable book and perfect for those of you who like fairytale retellings and folklore from around the world. I'm already looking forward to M A Kuzniar's next novel! Happy reading!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: This book was sent to me for review prior to publication by Simon and Schuster. It will be released on 23rd October 2025 in hardcover, digital and audio formats. It is available for Pre-Order now. 

BOOK NOOK: These Dreaming Spires

 "Every part of me, every cell, every atom died with you, and like Theseus there is no telling what I am anymore. 

I wanted to be strong, Art. I wanted to be noble like you always were, finish my work and not let this grief drown and consume me."

Ever since I read In These Hallowed Halls a couple of years ago I have been hoping that the publisher, Titan, would release a second anthology of Dark Academia short stories. This book, These Dreaming Spires, is just that and I was very excited to read the ARC that was sent to me a while ago, but I've been so busy with writing my own books that I have only just found the time to pick it up. 

Its an interesting collection and on the whole I found it quite enjoyable. It has some great stories with Gothic vibes and a few surprises for good measure. Here you will find restless ghosts, student rivalries, forbidden romance, secret cults, blood rites and more. I will say that this edition isn't quite as Gothic or traditionally Dark Academia as the first one was - in fact, this volume seems to lean more towards the sci-fi aspects of the genre, which isn't really my cup of tea.  Also, its a little heavy on the trigger warnings, but you'd have to be a real wimp to be bothered by any of the content in this book, as even the so-called body horror is so cartoonish as to be comical rather than actually horrific! But that's just the snowflake society we live in these days, where disclaimers are offered up as standard procedure, just in case someone takes offence. 

That said there were a few stories in this anthology that really stood out to me and that I very much enjoyed. Tallow's Cove, Within the Loch, Poisoned Pawn and The Coventry School for the Arts were clear favourites. I also liked Olivie Blake's God, Needy, Enough With the Screaming, in particular the aloof superior tone of voice of the main protagonist Seraphina, who was tremendous fun to read, despite her difficult circumstances.  These tales were all of a more typical Dark Academia vibe than the other sci-fi ones and so I liked them much better for that reason. If the entire anthology had been compiled of such stories I would have enjoyed this second volume as much as I did the first. However, if sci-fi is your thing you might prefer this second anthology. 

These Dreaming Spires is a compilation of scholastic tales that feature ghostly lovers, magical chess games, toxic potions, twisted initiation rituals and an enchanted book, so it has a lot to offer.  It is perfect reading material as we head into the dark season and it will keep you company as the nights begin to draw in. Happy reading!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: This book was sent to me by the publisher, Titan, for the purposes of review. It was released on September 2nd 2025 and is available in hardcover, digital and audio formats. 

ONCE UPON A DREAM: Happy Birthday, My Love!

 Enjoy your special day, my love...

Think of me when you cultivate your orchids - 

I'll imagine you chopping wood!

Love always,

Marie

xxx

BOOK NOOK: My Oxford Year by Julia Whelan

 "I came to Oxford looking for a Once-in-a-Lifetime Experience. I chose to experience a lifetime."

I'm not usually someone who suffers from the fear of missing out, but as University season rolls around once more, I find myself feeling quite nostalgic for the scholarly life, having completed my own studies at the end of last year - for the time being at least.  So it was with a sense of reminiscence that I picked up this novel which is set at Oxford University. 

My Oxford Year starts off well, as the main protagonist, an American named Ella, arrives at Oxford University ready for her studies. She has a political job all lined up to return to in America, and meanwhile she is full of excitement about having the chance to spend a year studying the great authors and poets of English Literature at her dream university.  Then she meets Jamie Davenport, handsome eligible bachelor and her new poetry professor. 

To begin with this book has all the usual vibes of the sexy professor trope, which is one of my favourite tropes in both dark and light academia novels, although sadly it's less of a thing in real life universities - believe me, I looked for a sexy professor, but alas, in almost a decade of studying, there were no sexy professors to be seen - not a sausage! I was deeply disappointed.  Fortunately there will always be a sexy professor to be found in the pages of a book and this one is no exception. 

After a rather shaky start, Ella and Jamie find that they have much in common. They enjoy word-sparring on various aspects of history, poetry and literature. They both have a deep love of words, exploring the meaning that we give to them, how we use and abuse them for our own purposes and how words once written centuries ago can still speak to people in the modern world. 

He reads poetry to her, they exchange ideas and opinions and their mutual high regard for romantic literature soon spills out from the page and into their lives. In the course of this student/professor word-play sparks begin to fly between them and they fall into a relationship that neither of them planned and which is inconvenient to both of them.  Ella goes along with it against her better judgement, and who can blame her? A man who writes and reads poetry to me would capture my heart forever! 

The book takes a darker turn when Ella realises that Jamie is keeping something from her. She suspects that he is cheating, but the truth is far worse. What do you do when you've finally found the love of your life only to learn that they will be snatched away from you again? How do you even begin to start letting them go, when all you want to do is pull them in closer and hold onto them forever? Can you ever really get over someone you have had the meeting of the minds with? I don't think that you can, because everything else seems dull and performative by comparison, and personally, I would never want to. 

My Oxford Year starts off light and lovely, but it soon becomes a much more sombre read. It is a beautiful love story and well worth reading. It teaches that love is always unexpected and it may not look as you hoped it would, but that its worth the heartache just to be with your one true love, for however long you have together. It reminds us that love is a beautiful thing, no matter what the circumstances. It is quite a sad book, yet at the same time it is very hopeful too. 

This story has also been made into a film available on Netflix, so if reading isn't your thing, you might prefer to watch that instead. 

Enjoy, but have the tissues at the ready!

Marie x

AD: This book is published by Harper Collins and is available now in all formats.

 

ONCE UPON A DREAM: Soft Girl vs PTSD

"Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I rise."

Maya Angelou

Living with any kind of post traumatic stress is always going to be an uphill, possibly lifelong battle and because PTSD is an invisible illness, most people you encounter won't even be aware of your struggles.  They won't know, for instance, that aggression is a part of the condition, that amnesia is a daily occurrence, that random temper tantrums and sudden outbursts, seemingly for no reason, are one of the symptoms, or that being triggered so easily is both embarrassing and often frightening for you, even more than it is for them.  They will just label you as a stroppy cow, someone they can't be bothered with and they will give up and walk away. They may not be aware that PTSD is cumulative, meaning that it never truly goes away - it simply explodes to the surface of your personality with the next traumatic event or stressful period in your life. 

Last year was particularly challenging for me in terms of physical healing after the riding accident, but the first half of this year was even more difficult. Back in January the flashbacks of the accident and the hospital began in earnest. They continued throughout the spring and into early summer, as my mind forced me to recall all the grisly details of the fall and what happened at the hospital. I relived those events in flashbacks every single day for over six months and it seemed as if the accident had set me right back to square one in terms of living with traumatic stress. It didn't help that I also had a couple of books to write, plus the final piece of work I was doing for my course at Oxford University. A stressful timetable opens the door for PTSD to come right on in. 

Obviously, this had an impact on my mood and its fair to say that my fuse was quite short for a while! After all, I am the rose and the thistle combined. I am soft and prickly all at once. I remember snapping at people, snarling when I felt they were getting too close for comfort, because the fact is PTSD makes you hyper-sensitive to even the slightest touch or good humoured jest. It all feels very much like a threat.

Being constantly reactive to such perceived threats is exhausting. I slept a lot. I cried buckets of tears. I felt confused, hopeless and completely abandoned. I was probably extremely difficult to be around back then and it does take a very strong individual to stick with you when you're going through the endless cycles of flashbacks and tantrums! Most people give up, move on and leave you to it. I don't blame them. I often wish I could give up and move on from myself, but I can't. I just have to try and live with it all as best I can. 

What I find most disorienting is that the PTSD symptoms are the complete opposite of my natural personality. While I will always have the feistiness of a Bruce, I am not an aggressive person by nature.  My true personality is loving and kind, soft and gentle, quiet and introspective, dreamy and creative. That's not who people see though. All they see is a woman who flies off the handle without warning. I'm like Taylor Swift's Mad Woman, but as the song suggests, it is life that makes me this way sometimes - it is not who I am at my core.  

Those who know me, know that I'm just a soft girl at heart, so when the PTSD symptoms rear their ugly head, there is an invisible, internal war going on inside me as the PTSD and the Soft Girl battle it out for supremacy! It's not fun. Not for me or for anyone involved.  Often, I don't know that the trauma is in charge of a conversation until later, after I've calmed down again. Then I will think to myself "Oh, I was speaking from my wounds just then," or "Oh yes, I was projecting my trauma onto that person. I wish I'd not done that." or "Oh, I pushed them away because I was scared to trust and get close. Now they must hate me". The problem is that by the time I realise this, the person I was talking to has usually gone off in a strop of their own and so things never really get resolved. 

Over the years of living with traumatic stress I have learnt to ask for time and space when I need it. I do this knowing full well that some people will never have what it takes to come back into my life and that's okay. It is my trauma, not theirs and they should not have to deal with it if they don't want to. As a soft woman, I understand this, but it does not make me feel any less abandoned.  

Most folk run for the hills at the first opportunity, never to be seen again. Yes, I can be that scary when triggered! I can be a complete monster, say hateful things, lash out - anything to remove the perceived threat from my life so that I can try to feel safe again. There is safety in solitude after all. If there's no-one around there's no-one to hurt you.  Yet, all I really need is a soft voice to soothe me and a gentle, understanding approach, but we don't live in an understanding world. It can be a very harsh world, and that in itself can be another trigger.

Of course, I don't expect anyone else to fix me. I don't need fixing. I am not broken. I'm strong and determined, ambitious and achieving, loyal and loving - I'm just a bit hypervigilant and perhaps too ready to do battle, too much of a feisty Scottish thistle and not enough of the softer English rose maybe.  Sometimes I just need a bit of space from others so that I can work through the latest round of flashbacks and trauma at my own pace, without feeling threatened by the presence of another person, without trying to figure out what they need from me or who they expect me to be for them.  

Time and space, patience and understanding - these are what bring me down from the ledge. These are the things that defeat the PTSD and bring out my softer side.  It's a bit like playing hide and seek. When the trauma is large and in charge, I need to hide myself away until I have it back under control. Then, once my softer side is in control once more, I feel like I am peeking out at the world and calling "Come out, come out wherever you are!"  Some will answer, most will not, but that depends on whether they are strong enough to handle me or not! The ones who answer, those who have been quietly waiting in my corner all along - those are friends for keeps, the ride or die type. Those are the ones I will learn to trust and want in my life. As for the rest - I understand and I let them go with love. That's really all you can do. 

There are other things that help to pull me out of a traumatised funk too. Spending time in nature or with happy, healthy animals is so good for me. The love and affection of animals never feels threatening and they are a very therapeutic presence, so I like to go and visit the llamas, ponies and goats at the local stately home, feeding them and enjoying the innocence of their energy. Animals always bring out my softer side. 

Unexpected moments of joy also help to dispel the belief that the world is full of people to fear and distrust. For instance, just recently my editor sent me a beautiful framed print of The Empress tarot card in Art Nouveau style, along with a lovely handwritten letter. It arrived through the letterbox one Saturday morning and I was both surprised and delighted by it. It was such a kind thought and it is always nice to receive a good old fashioned letter in the post. It cheered me up no end.  

Music also helps and films too. This summer I have been to see Brad Pitt's F1 film three times! It's so good and it is nice to hide in the darkness of the cinema, allowing a story to unfold in front of you. No effort, no stress - just the comfort of ice-cream and a familiar face on the big screen, making me smile.  Of course, my writing is a great comfort to me at all times in my life, whatever my mood.  Right now I am working on my next card deck and the deadline is at the end of this month, so it is a pretty busy August. It helps to keep my mind happy and gives me a positive focus. When I am writing I am in another world, so my softer side comes to the fore because I am in one of my happy places. It is safe to say that right now and for the time being, my Soft Girl has won the battle and she is firmly back in control! 

Perhaps the most important weapons in the war between PTSD and the Soft Girl are self-compassion and self-love. When the trauma induced tantrums and outbursts have scared everyone away, you have to learn to love and be there for yourself, because most people simply do not have the courage to be around you. They'd rather poke the bear and call you a mad woman. They are not strong enough to offer you the gentle, loving support you need, you have to do that for yourself. 

Of course, there is a certain resilient strength in that softness. There may be a world full of scary people out there, but so long as you keep the hidden, broken pieces of your heart soft, loving and kind, healing is always possible.  Bones mend, cuts heal, bruises fade - and so does trauma, eventually. Until then be kind to yourself and try to be soft with others. It isn't easy to come back into softness when you're triggered, it isn't easy to speak from your heart instead of from your wounds, but your softer side is the strongest part of you.  One day you will find the person who courageously waits out the PTSD tantrum and then coaxes your Soft Girl out to play instead, offering safety, peace and fun in place of trauma and stress.  And that's a friend for life! 

Serene Blessings

Marie x