Dominus Illuminatio Mea - The Lord Is My Light
I have always believed that being a bookworm can open many doors, because reading broadens the mind and teaches us to think in terms of possibility rather than limitation. This theory was proven true for me last autumn. Having spent the last few years immersing myself in novels of Dark Academia, as well as the Masters Degree, my mind began to toy with the notion of what it would have been like to study at a named university such as Oxford or Cambridge. How would it feel to be a thread in the tapestry of such a prestigious institution of learning, to become a student there and to play a small part in its great history? How does it feel to be an Oxbridge student and does it alter how others perceive you, or how you perceive yourself?
In the world of Dark Academia novels, the students are surrounded by historical splendor and they frequently come from well-off families with an affluent background. This elite type of education has historically been reserved for the privileged few, yet it is something that lots of people aspire to.
The thing about immersing yourself into a specific genre of fiction, is that it stays with you, long after the last page has been read. As I made my way through the DA genre, allowing my imagination to be transported to these elite seats of learning and affluence, my subconscious mind was already simmering up a possibility-brew, long before my conscious mind became aware of it. This is usually when the magic happens - when your mind is tuning into a frequency you didn't even know was in the air! This is also just the way my Bruce mind works. While most people would only pipe-dream about doing something, I start making plans to achieve it and then I take action on those plans. After all, that is how crowns and wars are won - by taking carefully planned strategic action.
So, in summer last year I actually applied to Oxford University, filling out the relevant forms and sending in copies of my Psychotherapy and Masters Degree certificates to prove my academic credentials. My editor studied at New College Oxford and she was very encouraging, vouching for the quality of the teaching and the brilliance of the Dons. Personally, I wasn't really expecting to get anywhere, but in September I was offered a place on the course I had applied for! To say this came as a shock would be an understatement. I am not the sort of person who studies at Oxford, being from a working class background and although the course is online, it still seemed like a bit of a stretch. I certainly wasn't counting on acceptance. In fact, I was expecting a rejection.
When the email came through with the Offer, you could have knocked me down with a feather. I printed it out and showed it to my mum when I next saw her, just to make sure I hadn't misread it. I hadn't. Oxford University, the oldest university in the UK, dating from 1096, were reserving me a place and awaiting the fees, which I duly paid. Its a self-funded course, so there are no student loans available to pay the fees, and being Oxford, it is rather expensive, but I knew it would be such a valuable experience that I just had to do it.
And from that moment on, I was in a bit of a daze - partly from the hit to my bank balance! But also from the dawning realization that I was about to become an Oxbridge student at the tender age of 50! lol How mad is that? My place was reserved for the January intake of students, so I was all set to begin studying again at the start of Hilary term.
My mother was over the moon, my editor was delighted - and I was in a state of shock. It didn't sink in for quite a while. I distracted myself with my work, throwing myself into my writing. Interestingly, I didn't pick up a single Dark Academia novel after I received the Offer letter! Those things had proven far too dangerous and look where they'd led me!
I think I was having a crisis of confidence, wondering if maybe this time, the Bruce ambition had gone a bit too far. Was I setting myself up to fail? Was I over-reaching? Was I really clever enough for Oxford?
I put it to the back of my mind and enjoyed my birthday and Yuletide celebrations. Then, at the beginning of January I received my first email from my new tutor, the Don who is the course leader, with instructions on how the course would run, what my obligations were as a student and ending with the words "We look forward to welcoming you to Oxford".
Although I am used to the world of academics and quite comfortable within a collegiate university setting, I felt the weight of Oxford pressing down on me - or maybe it was the weight of impostor syndrome. Whatever it was, I felt it. The expectation, the pressure to do well, the need to excel and to prove myself worthy of my place at one of the most prestigious universities in the world. It's a lot to take in and even more to live up to.
But as Hilary term drew ever closer, I began to get excited rather than nervous. I began to see it as a fabulous opportunity, not a disaster waiting to happen. I knew that I was about to follow in the footsteps of the great writers who had also studied at Oxford University, authors whose work I have loved and admired for most of my life - C S Lewis, J R R Tolkien, Lewis Carrol, Oscar Wilde, Philip Pullman and Percy Bysshe Shelley, who was actually expelled for his non-conformist atheist views! Now I was about to be a part of that same environment of learning that had produced some of literature's finest novelists and poets. It's awe-inspiring and incredibly exciting.
I'm not going to lie, when it was time for the first class to take place, all the nerves returned and so did the impostor syndrome, but within just a few minutes of absorbing the learning materials and the syllabus that we would be following, the nerves drained away and I felt like I'd found a place where I could grow intellectually and develop my expertise as a writer. The assignments don't look scary to me, because I'm used to writing essays and dissertations. However, the first assignment is due in on the same day as the deadline for my next book, so its going to be a very busy time! But I don't mind that and I'm up for the challenge.
Our Don is lovely. He's very knowledgeable and there is a marked difference in the caliber of the teaching at Oxford, in comparison to other universities. I noticed the superiority of the delivery and the course materials immediately. That's not to say that my local universities are bad, because they aren't. They just don't have Oxford's magic or the same weight of authority.
So far I am really enjoying the course and I'm so glad that I was Bruce enough to apply! I'm not counting my chickens with regards to passing, but I feel that I am learning a lot and stretching the neuroplasticity of my intellect in a positive way. It would be lovely to be able to go down to Oxford too, because now that I am a student there I am allowed to use their library, which would be wonderful. I just don't know if I'm going to have the time to fit in another trip, as I have a lot of writing work to do, as well as my studies. Still, I do have access to their digital library, which is great, so I won't be too upset if I can't visit in person. It would be nice though. The Bodleian beckons!
I remember back when I was studying the Masters Degree and Patrick McGuiness, an Oxford Don and one of our Visiting Fellows, came in to give a lecture. He gave us a taste of what an elite university like Oxford can offer. I recall thinking that he had sprinkled some of his Oxford magic on us and that that was the closest I'd ever get to studying at Oxford University myself. How wrong I was!
Maybe that was the initial seed that germinated and it has taken the past few years for it to bear fruit, nurtured by my interest in the Dark Academia genre. It always leaves me wonderstruck when life plays out in such a magical way. Back in 2020/21, immersed in the MA, I thought of Oxford as no more than a pipe-dream, a place I read about in books, somewhere our Visiting Fellows came from, like a far off land full of mystery. Now in 2024, I'm an Oxford student! Life is full of surprises.
I hope this post has inspired you in some way and helped you to see that it is never too late to try something new and that there is no age limit on achievement. Keep only those around you who want to see you rise and succeed. Discard those who try to keep you small, or who want you to remain at a lower level in life because that is what they are most comfortable with. You don't have to be an underachiever just because someone else is. If they refuse to accept or support your growth and achievement then get rid of them!
If they are habitually offended by your success, it is because they don't have your best interests at heart, whatever they might say to your face. Discard them. They don't deserve a place in your life and they will only hold you back, or envy your success and achievement. Frankly, you don't need the drag of a dead weight pulling you down.
My New Year intention was to stop working weekends and bank holidays, but I've already compromised with myself on that! Although I'm still trying not to do any publishing work at the weekends, I now spend Saturdays and Sundays studying and doing all my work for Oxford instead. So its a very busy time. I don't know if I'm smart enough to pass this course, but I'm going to give it my very best shot.
Whatever happens, at least I will have had the experience of studying at Oxford University, following in the footsteps of Tolkien and C S Lewis - and that is not something to be sniffed at. So far, I'm having the blue-stocking time of my life!
Bright Blessings
Marie x
