ONCE UPON A DREAM: Soft Girl vs PTSD

"Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I rise."

Maya Angelou

Living with any kind of post traumatic stress is always going to be an uphill, possibly lifelong battle and because PTSD is an invisible illness, most people you encounter won't even be aware of your struggles.  They won't know, for instance, that aggression is a part of the condition, that amnesia is a daily occurrence, that random temper tantrums and sudden outbursts, seemingly for no reason, are one of the symptoms, or that being triggered so easily is both embarrassing and often frightening for you, even more than it is for them.  They will just label you as a stroppy cow, someone they can't be bothered with and they will give up and walk away. They may not be aware that PTSD is cumulative, meaning that it never truly goes away - it simply explodes to the surface of your personality with the next traumatic event or stressful period in your life. 

Last year was particularly challenging for me in terms of physical healing after the riding accident, but the first half of this year was even more difficult. Back in January the flashbacks of the accident and the hospital began in earnest. They continued throughout the spring and into early summer, as my mind forced me to recall all the grisly details of the fall and what happened at the hospital. I relived those events in flashbacks every single day for over six months and it seemed as if the accident had set me right back to square one in terms of living with traumatic stress. It didn't help that I also had a couple of books to write, plus the final piece of work I was doing for my course at Oxford University. A stressful timetable opens the door for PTSD to come right on in. 

Obviously, this had an impact on my mood and its fair to say that my fuse was quite short for a while! After all, I am the rose and the thistle combined. I am soft and prickly all at once. I remember snapping at people, snarling when I felt they were getting too close for comfort, because the fact is PTSD makes you hyper-sensitive to even the slightest touch or good humoured jest. It all feels very much like a threat.

Being constantly reactive to such perceived threats is exhausting. I slept a lot. I cried buckets of tears. I felt confused, hopeless and completely abandoned. I was probably extremely difficult to be around back then and it does take a very strong individual to stick with you when you're going through the endless cycles of flashbacks and tantrums! Most people give up, move on and leave you to it. I don't blame them. I often wish I could give up and move on from myself, but I can't. I just have to try and live with it all as best I can. 

What I find most disorienting is that the PTSD symptoms are the complete opposite of my natural personality. While I will always have the feistiness of a Bruce, I am not an aggressive person by nature.  My true personality is loving and kind, soft and gentle, quiet and introspective, dreamy and creative. That's not who people see though. All they see is a woman who flies off the handle without warning. I'm like Taylor Swift's Mad Woman, but as the song suggests, it is life that makes me this way sometimes - it is not who I am at my core.  

Those who know me, know that I'm just a soft girl at heart, so when the PTSD symptoms rear their ugly head, there is an invisible, internal war going on inside me as the PTSD and the Soft Girl battle it out for supremacy! It's not fun. Not for me or for anyone involved.  Often, I don't know that the trauma is in charge of a conversation until later, after I've calmed down again. Then I will think to myself "Oh, I was speaking from my wounds just then," or "Oh yes, I was projecting my trauma onto that person. I wish I'd not done that." or "Oh, I pushed them away because I was scared to trust and get close. Now they must hate me". The problem is that by the time I realise this, the person I was talking to has usually gone off in a strop of their own and so things never really get resolved. 

Over the years of living with traumatic stress I have learnt to ask for time and space when I need it. I do this knowing full well that some people will never have what it takes to come back into my life and that's okay. It is my trauma, not theirs and they should not have to deal with it if they don't want to. As a soft woman, I understand this, but it does not make me feel any less abandoned.  

Most folk run for the hills at the first opportunity, never to be seen again. Yes, I can be that scary when triggered! I can be a complete monster, say hateful things, lash out - anything to remove the perceived threat from my life so that I can try to feel safe again. There is safety in solitude after all. If there's no-one around there's no-one to hurt you.  Yet, all I really need is a soft voice to soothe me and a gentle, understanding approach, but we don't live in an understanding world. It can be a very harsh world, and that in itself can be another trigger.

Of course, I don't expect anyone else to fix me. I don't need fixing. I am not broken. I'm strong and determined, ambitious and achieving, loyal and loving - I'm just a bit hypervigilant and perhaps too ready to do battle, too much of a feisty Scottish thistle and not enough of the softer English rose maybe.  Sometimes I just need a bit of space from others so that I can work through the latest round of flashbacks and trauma at my own pace, without feeling threatened by the presence of another person, without trying to figure out what they need from me or who they expect me to be for them.  

Time and space, patience and understanding - these are what bring me down from the ledge. These are the things that defeat the PTSD and bring out my softer side.  It's a bit like playing hide and seek. When the trauma is large and in charge, I need to hide myself away until I have it back under control. Then, once my softer side is in control once more, I feel like I am peeking out at the world and calling "Come out, come out wherever you are!"  Some will answer, most will not, but that depends on whether they are strong enough to handle me or not! The ones who answer, those who have been quietly waiting in my corner all along - those are friends for keeps, the ride or die type. Those are the ones I will learn to trust and want in my life. As for the rest - I understand and I let them go with love. That's really all you can do. 

There are other things that help to pull me out of a traumatised funk too. Spending time in nature or with happy, healthy animals is so good for me. The love and affection of animals never feels threatening and they are a very therapeutic presence, so I like to go and visit the llamas, ponies and goats at the local stately home, feeding them and enjoying the innocence of their energy. Animals always bring out my softer side. 

Unexpected moments of joy also help to dispel the belief that the world is full of people to fear and distrust. For instance, just recently my editor sent me a beautiful framed print of The Empress tarot card in Art Nouveau style, along with a lovely handwritten letter. It arrived through the letterbox one Saturday morning and I was both surprised and delighted by it. It was such a kind thought and it is always nice to receive a good old fashioned letter in the post. It cheered me up no end.  

Music also helps and films too. This summer I have been to see Brad Pitt's F1 film three times! It's so good and it is nice to hide in the darkness of the cinema, allowing a story to unfold in front of you. No effort, no stress - just the comfort of ice-cream and a familiar face on the big screen, making me smile.  Of course, my writing is a great comfort to me at all times in my life, whatever my mood.  Right now I am working on my next card deck and the deadline is at the end of this month, so it is a pretty busy August. It helps to keep my mind happy and gives me a positive focus. When I am writing I am in another world, so my softer side comes to the fore because I am in one of my happy places. It is safe to say that right now and for the time being, my Soft Girl has won the battle and she is firmly back in control! 

Perhaps the most important weapons in the war between PTSD and the Soft Girl are self-compassion and self-love. When the trauma induced tantrums and outbursts have scared everyone away, you have to learn to love and be there for yourself, because most people simply do not have the courage to be around you. They'd rather poke the bear and call you a mad woman. They are not strong enough to offer you the gentle, loving support you need, you have to do that for yourself. 

Of course, there is a certain resilient strength in that softness. There may be a world full of scary people out there, but so long as you keep the hidden, broken pieces of your heart soft, loving and kind, healing is always possible.  Bones mend, cuts heal, bruises fade - and so does trauma, eventually. Until then be kind to yourself and try to be soft with others. It isn't easy to come back into softness when you're triggered, it isn't easy to speak from your heart instead of from your wounds, but your softer side is the strongest part of you.  One day you will find the person who courageously waits out the PTSD tantrum and then coaxes your Soft Girl out to play instead, offering safety, peace and fun in place of trauma and stress.  And that's a friend for life! 

Serene Blessings

Marie x

BOOK NOOK: Magic Lessons by Alice Hoffman

"She had grown up drinking Courage Tea and the effects of that brew had lasted. When the bracelets came off, blue marks circled her wrists, and where the skin had been pinched for so long there were deep indentations in her flesh. 

She would have these marks all her life, and they would serve to remind her of what some people were willing to do for what they told themselves was love." 

Some authors have a voice so familiar it feels like meeting up with an old friend and enjoying a reunion right there upon the page.  Alice Hoffman is one such author for me. I love diving into her world of witches and witchery via the Practical Magic series of novels, and as we still have some time to go until the Practical Magic 2 film is released, I have been reading the prequel to the series instead.

Magic Lessons is the story of Maria Owens, the witch who cast the curse against love and the one who started it all. The novel begins in 1664 when she is discovered as a foundling child, a tiny babe wrapped in a blue blanket, abandoned on a cold January day. She is found by the wise woman, Hannah, a healer who trades natural remedies for payment in kind and who lives a quiet life on the edge of the woods.  However, it soon becomes clear to Hannah that baby Maria is no ordinary child. The wildlife is drawn to her, silver turns black as soon as she touches it, and she can call a flower to bloom with a kind word or two. Then she draws in her familiar, a black crow who will not leave her side and who is eventually named Cadin. All this leaves Hannah believing that young Maria is a natural witch, one who is skilled in the art of spellcraft and magic. 

As Maria grows up, her powers become stronger, more extraordinary and difficult to hide. The witch hunts are in full swing across England and Scotland and it is only a matter of time before Maria's gifts draw the wrong kind of attention.  For Hannah, this is a day that comes all too soon and she sends Maria to the coast, bidding her to take a ship and flee to America.  And so Maria's life truly begins, shaped by injustice, horror and prejudice. She is a young girl, forced to grow up too soon, but she makes the best of things and soon finds a place for herself in the world. 

Prequels can often be tricky to pull off, but this one is like a gentle whisper from the past, where the Maria we know from the gallows, whose hanging rope snaps and saves her life, is brought out into the open and given a voice that is entirely her own. Practical Magic is one of my favourite films - I actually prefer the film to the book -  and Magic Lessons gives a whole new background to that story.  Here we discover what led Maria to the gallows in the first place and why she felt the need to cast a curse on any man who dared to love an Owens woman.  While a knowledge of Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman would be useful, this novel is complete in itself and you do not need to have read the other books in the series to enjoy this prequel.  Then again, it's also the perfect excuse to re-watch the fabulous film, before you read this story!

Magic Lessons is a lovely novel, the language is lyrical and dreamy as Hoffman casts her spell upon readers. There are a few surprises, a couple of the most adorable familiars, lots of romance and as the title would suggest, some important lessons in magic are learnt and digested, for good or ill.  If you enjoy witchy novels, or you are a fan of the original book or movie, then you will probably like this beautifully written prequel to the series. Enjoy - and remember to fall in love whenever you can!

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: Magic Lessons is published by Scribner UK and is out now in all formats. 

 

WRITER'S DREAM: Norse Magic Extended Edition!

 "You know, Troll, we were never meant to be the same, you and I. You have your gifts and I have mine. We were never meant to do all the same things and my success doesn't mean your failure. We're just different, that's all. 

But understand this - no-one, including you, will ever have what it takes to sabotage me, pull me down or hold me back, because I refuse to allow them to!"

from the meditation Facing The Troll. 

At the beginning of this month the new edition of my book of Norse Magic was published.  This is the hardcover Extended Collector's Edition, with gold gilded page edges, gold foiling on the cover and stunning wolf artwork on the back of the book. It is fully illustrated throughout and it is just slightly smaller than A4 in size, so it is quite impressive. The design team have done a marvellous job and this book, along with my upcoming Celtic Magic Extended Edition, is part of a new collector's series called Gilded Magic. They are very beautiful tomes and the kind of books I used to pipe-dream about writing way back when I was still unpublished, many moons ago, so the publication of this edition is a writer's dream come true for me. It's just so pretty!  

I was asked to write this extended edition last spring, shortly after I had a riding accident and it proved to be a fantastic escape for me.  As I recovered from two broken wrists, which were still strapped up in post-operative splints at the time, I curled up with my laptop and took a mental journey to Norway, falling deep into the enchanted realms of Norse Mythology.  

It was an incredibly healing writing experience.  I was listening to several albums by a-ha as I worked on this project, thinking back to the time when I met the band at one of their concerts in 2010, and so my three favourite Norwegian boys have subtly found their way into certain parts of the book.  I can only hope that I have done the mythology of their country justice, but it was wonderful to revisit this topic once again and draw upon those precious memories.  I remember Morten telling me of the Norse fairytale East of the Sun, West of the Moon, which I hadn't heard of before, thinking it was simply the title of one of their albums, and so, in honour of this memory, I decided to write a meditation based on that story. You can read more about this meeting in the Acknowledgements of the book. 

There are lots of meditations in this collector's edition and they were tremendous fun to write. From glade-skiing and wild-skating, to dog-sledding, enchanted castles and dragon ships - I have been free to develop my own fantasy pagan fairytales into tools of insight and relaxation. Writing the book was a great escape for me, taking my mind off the pain of my injuries and transporting me to a world of ice, snow and magic. I wanted my readers to be able to enjoy that same form of escapism, so I hope that the meditations help to facilitate that. 

Norse mythology is a vast, multi-dimensional subject with many layers to explore.  In my book, I have attempted to give readers a small taste of that complex and multi-faceted folklore, cherry picking the ideas, legends and characters that I found the most interesting and compelling, from Lagertha the Shield Maiden and Brynhild the Valkyrie, to the sad tale of Tyr and Fenrir.  I hope that the book serves to whet the reader's appetite and that they will want to discover more, going on to do their own explorations of Norse mythology. 

By far the most challenging aspect of writing a book like this one is the language difference and the spellings, which were the bane of my life! I had to check and double check spellings of names, places, battles and so on, every single time I wrote them down because I did not trust myself to simply remember the correct spelling and I didn't want to give the copy editor a hard time or offend the Norse people with my bad spelling! It was a bit of a headache - I do not speak Norwegian and the language barrier was difficult to work around,  but it was worth it in the end. 

This book had to be more than double the length of the original edition, so there was lots of space for me to explore the mythology more deeply and come up with lots of new material, from magic and meditations to legends and superstitions. I was even able to incorporate a touch of psychology too, which is always fun to do. 

Norse Magic Collector's Edition was such a wonderful writing experience for me during a very difficult time as I recovered from the riding accident. Yes it was painful to write thousands of words each day while my wrists were still mending and my wounds healing, but the subject matter was so inspiring, the memories so deeply embedded in my heart, that I will forever look back on this project with fondness. It was impossible to feel sorry for myself when I was writing about the bravery of the Shield Maidens.  It was impossible to feel defeated when I was invoking the strength of the Valkyries with my words.  It is impossible to feel too isolated with a-ha's music and Morten's voice soaring in between writing sessions, with the memories keeping me company and dreaming my heart alive.  

In a way, this book is a love letter to the boys of a-ha and I was thinking of them as I wrote it, so it is my own small way of saying thank you to them for the music that has been the soundtrack of my life and that has brought me such joy over the years. 

For all those reasons, this book will always hold a very special place in my heart and I trust that it will find its way into your heart too.  Here in the UK, we do not fear the longships - we've seen longships before. Men sailed here from the Northlands and hauled their boats ashore...and I for one, am very glad that they did, for they have left us with a tremendous legacy of myth and magic, courage and romance.  Enjoy this new foray into the realms of Nordic magic and bewitchery! Forever yours x

Serene Blessings

Marie x

AD: Norse Magic Extended Edition is out now in hardcover. Celtic Magic Extended Edition is up for Pre-Order now. 

BOOK NOOK: The Rose Bargain by Sasha Peyton Smith

 

"Remembering is heavy. It lasts so long."

I have been in the mood for enchantment lately, being drawn to whimsical books I can enjoy while sitting out in my garden as I listen to the sound of birdsong.  With a China teapot full of mint tea and a dainty tea cup, I can sit in the glider by the patio table and enjoy a lovely afternoon of sunshine and reading. 

The lighter half of the year is the perfect time to indulge in novels of the fey and the faerie court, so when I received The Rose Bargain, I knew I had to save it until I could give myself up to the story entirely. I finished it today and it has been a fabulous read. Like many fey novels, this is a tale of romance, beauty and trickery. It has some parallels with Christina Rosetti's poem, Goblin Market and it also reminded me a little of These Hallow Vows. 

The Rose Bargain tells the story of two sisters, Ivy and Lydia.  Lydia has been missing since her formal presentation to the queen at her coming out, and Ivy is determined to find out what happened to her. The book begins in England, during the 1400's and the Wars of the Roses. However, in this version of events, the fey queen intervenes in the Wars and the outcome is that she takes the English throne for herself, setting up her Fey Court at Kensington Palace, in London.  Fast forward four hundred years and Ivy is due to make her own debut at Queen Mor's Fey Court, where she hopes to discover where her sister vanished to. 

But the Queen has a surprise for all the debutants. One of them will be chosen to marry her son and heir, Prince Bram, after a series of tests and trials to determine who is the most suitable. Each English Rose competitor is allowed to make a single bargain with the Queen, in the hopes of improving her chances of becoming the chosen bride. Bargains such as a prettier smile in return for a happy memory, or a musical gift in exchange for a finger nail and so on, are bartered for and agreed upon with the queen. Their competitor contracts are signed in blood and the games begin.

However, like all Fey, the Queen doesn't play fair, for she is of course a trickster, leading the girls a merry dance around the May Pole as she plays a game of bait and switch, with her son as the prize and poverty and destitution, or even death, as the punishment for those not chosen.   Ivy is thrust into this deadly game of ritualized courtship and she finds herself torn between Prince Bram and his rebellious half brother, Emmett. With her family at stake and her reputation on the line, she has to ensure she wins the Crown Prince, while keeping her feelings for his brother a secret. 

The Rose Bargain is a fantasy novel of high stakes courtship, glittering ballrooms, faerie revels and forbidden romance. It is the first novel in a duology and I cannot wait to read the second book! It's a great read and would appeal to anyone who likes faerie romance, so if you enjoyed reading These Hallow Vows, then you will probably like The Rose Bargain too.  Happy reading! 

Marie x

AD: The Rose Bargain is published by Harper Collins from February 2025 and is out now in hardcover, audio and digital formats. 

BOOK NOOK: The Cornish Witch by Elena Collins

"This is how people ensnare us, by promising things that won't come to pass."

I have just finished reading The Cornish Witch by Elena Collins, which was kindly gifted to me for review by the publisher Boldwood Books prior to its release. I enjoyed it immensely and it is one of those witchy historical novels that I love to read. Set in Cornwall in a small fishing village it tells the duel narratives of Susanna and Katel, a mother and daughter from the 1600s, and Megan, a modern day surfer and herbalist. 

When Megan discovers that she has a half sister, she travels to Cornwall to find out more about her. There she spends her time surfing and diving, and learning about the history of the haunted pub where she is staying, The Ship Inn. After a close encounter with the not so friendly ghosts, she is determined to find out who they are and why the are so tormented.

Back in 1625 The Ship Inn was the bustling hub of the village. It was also the base for a group of smugglers and wreckers, who would stash their stolen booty in the cellar.  Susanna lives in one of the cottages attached to the Inn and she makes her living as a healer, wise woman and midwife. In this quiet, sheltered life she has brought up her only daughter, Katel, who is a flighty young woman eager for male attention. In her hurry to find love and ward away rivals, she turns to a less wise women than her mother, a woman called Tedda who has a reputation for witchcraft.  The subsequent spell casts a dark shadow over the whole village, leaving both Katel and her mother in danger, as the workings of the spell play out with disastrous consequences. I felt great empathy for Susanna who was the calm voice of reason trying to break through the noise of irrational fear and a web of superstition. 

This is a novel in the style of a traditional Cornish sea yarn, filled with smugglers, sea shanties, witchcraft, romance and of course, ghosts.  In lots of ways it reminded me of the works of Daphne du Maurier, so if you like books such as Jamaica Inn and Frenchman's Creek, The Cornish Witch will probably be one you will enjoy too.  I especially liked the descriptions of surfing, which really gave a feeling of being swept up by the power of the ocean and carried on crests of waves.  As a non-swimmer I really appreciated this insight into what it must be like to be a surfer and to feel completely at home and safe in the sea. 

It is a coastal novel and I could almost smell the surf and the tang of the ocean as I read this book. It was eerily atmospheric when it needed to be and at the same time, it had all the freshness of a coastal mystery and romance.  It is the first time I have ever read any of this author's work and I was hooked from the very first page, which is always a good sign.  I believe she has also written another novel about a highway-woman, so I'm certainly going to be picking that one up next.

The Cornish Witch is the perfect read for anyone who loves the work of Daphne du Maurier or Barbara Erskine. It will sweep you away on a tide of intrigue and leave you feeling as if you have spent time on the beautiful Cornish coast, wherever you happen to be.  It's the perfect book for taking on holiday.  Happy reading!

Marie x

AD: This book was sent to be by the publisher, Boldwood Books, prior to its release for the purposes of review. It is available in all formats from the 20th April 2025. 

MUSICAL DOLL; Crying in the Rain

 Soul mates forever...

All I want you to know - I love you...

Forever yours

xxx

MUSICAL DOLL; Kylie Tension Tour!!!

 It's soon after 1am and I have just come home from seeing Kylie in her Tension Tour concert! I feel so lucky that I was able to pick up cancellation tickets at the last minute for a reasonable price, so I was super excited to see her.  This is the fourth Kylie tour I've been to - Let's Get To It in 1991, Fever in 2002, Kiss Me Once in 2014 and now Tension in 2025. I played her album this afternoon as I got ready, defiantly dressed in a silver sequinned minidress - it's not often I get my legs out, but a Kylie concert demands it, along with all the sparkles that compliment her glitterball music. 

I've been having a bit of a bad time with flashbacks of the riding accident and the hospital trauma over the past few months, so I really needed to just get out and let my hair down a bit. I was looking forward to a night of drinking, singing and no doubt making an exhibition of myself dancing along with my idol. I had the best, most liberated time!

There's something about seeing Kylie that always gives me chills. I get so excited to see her, in a way that I don't experience with other artists. I loved seeing The Corrs last November and Girls Aloud last May, I loved seeing Torvil and Dean last month, but none of them give me the nervous jitters before the show in the way that Kylie does. I think it is something to do with her having been my idol for so many years now, since I was about 12 years old. I get so star struck by her! 

If you have ever seen Kylie perform live yourself, then you will know that she always, always delivers a superb show. It's like the biggest and best disco in town. Her vocals are live, her dancers are hot, her costumes are high fashion couture and her energy is seemingly boundless. She is a tiny figure on a huge stage, but she completely owns it and her presence is like a force of nature.  She has great audience interactions too - tonight she presented a young girl with a rose as she sang Where The Wild Roses Grow and wore the vintage scarf from her Enjoy Yourself days back in the 1980s, that belonged to a fan, kissing it before handing it back to him.  She just seems so kind-hearted and generous.

My favourite aspects of the concert was the opening act when she came down from the ceiling on a trapeze, singing Lights, Camera, Action, and the Disco set on a separate central stage, complete with a huge glitterball that spun around and bathed the entire audience in sparkling light. It was simply beautiful to see.  I also loved her costumes, and while there wasn't a feather headdress to be seen, she did wear a sequinned red jumpsuit-to-dress combo and a black sequinned cape dress which was stunning. I really liked those outfits. She did a walkaround the crowd so that people could take pictures of her and had a couple of on stage quick changes that went at lightning speed.  Of course she performed all the old favourites - On A Night Like This, Love at First Sight, What Do I Have to Do, Can't Get You Out Of My Head, and my own personal favourites Better The Devil You Know, Shocked, Get Out Of My Way and Two Hearts. She even took a request song from the audience which tonight was Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi. Mostly though it was high energy dance tracks from her most recent albums Disco, Tension and Tension 2.

 

I had such a fantastic time this evening and it was just what I needed to lift the darkness of flashbacks and trauma that I've been experiencing since February. It put me into a joyful place once again and definitely broke the tension!  This is the happiest I've been since the accident, so Kylie has certainly worked some healing magic on me with her music tonight. I feel so grateful that I got to see her again. She really is brilliant, so if you get the chance to attend the Tension Tour, I urge you to go as she will be touring the UK until June. In the meantime, I'll probably share some of the concert footage on Twitter over the coming days, so keep an eye open for that. Enjoy!

Bright Blessings

Marie x